WOTY

Resilience 

Psychologists define resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress.

Resilience involves behaviors, thoughts and beliefs that can be developed in anyone.  

The goal of being resilient is to move away from perfectionism.  Hmmmm…I never understood my challenges as a desire to seek perfection, but it makes sense.  

• Competence in the face of stress
• Positive outcomes despite high-risk status
• Adapting to trauma 
• Using challenges for growth to make future hardships more manageable.  

One pneumonic used to strategize resilience is S.A.V.E.S

Social connection-isolation is toxic.  

Surround myself with resilient role models- (someone who overcomes challenges every day).

How can I engage in my community?

What is an activity I can do to foster confidence?

What hobbies would I like to pursue?

Attitude- 

Permanent-remember this moment/season will change.  The Chinese Farmer story is a good reference that we never really know what’s best.  

Pervasiveness- shift focus to positive thoughts and let those thoughts grow.  What we focus on grows.

Personalization- opening up to the broader context

How can I incorporate gratitude?

What mindset/actions can help me foster a growth perspective?  

Values

Finding something we hold onto when the storms are beating against us. 

Balancing the idea that we are unique and special with humility.  

What traits do I value?

What makes me unique?

Emotional-acceptance 

We think we have to change uncomfortable emotions.  

Creative hopelessness.

Accept what is.

Get curious about emotions - what are they telling me?

What does it look like to voice emotions without ‘needing fixed’?

Learn to self soothe- what actions feel comforting?

Silliness-

Laugh at myself!

Don’t take myself or life so seriously!

Have fun!!  

What things help me to feel childlike?  

What blocks me from feeling free to be silly? 

The one thing in life I can be certain of is that change is inevitable.  Life will always be presenting itself to me, and in some ways that I do not agree with, or want to participate in.  Taking care of myself in ways that build resilience will help me manage these seasons with a touch of grace.  

Over again

On my weekly indoor stair climbing routine, I find the prompting for this journal topic today…

As I struggle to pick my feet up, and find myself covered in sweat, I continue going up.  My lungs desperately seek the replenishment of oxygen as my brain lights up with the increase in blood flow.  

I am listening to Mike Shinoda sing the words to the song ‘Over again’, and I think of the hang ups, events, things and people I have said goodbye to over the years.

I realize that there’s a part of me that ‘holds’ on, even though I have said goodbye.  Today, I find peace in the awareness that sometimes we need to say goodbye over, and over again. 

Holding on feels like a safe place to stay, but in reality the goodbye is where peace is found.  With the closure comes an open door for a new opportunity.   So, without judgment, I allow myself to say goodbye over and over again until peace is restored.  

This is MY journey and I’m so in love with it!  💕

Winter solstice

Winter solstice: The symbolic death and rebirth of the sun 

Finding the beauty in the season.

The cold, dark, isolated days of this season has brought me anything but joy over the years.  It was once recommended that I may struggled with SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and light therapy might help me feel better.  I can get that down…

This year I see the season through a different lens…through a lens of gratitude.  

I find gratitude for the ‘forced’ slowdown.  Days when it’s just too cold to want to leave the house.  

What winter solstice looks to me now is:

• Snuggly blankets
• Extended journaling sessions
• Sweaters and hoodies
• Fuzzy Hats
• Cold, crisp winter air
• A quieter and more peaceful feeling to the outside world
• Sledding
• Snow
• Bubble baths
• Hot cocoa!!!  
• All things Christmas 💕

As my perspective on this season changes, I find great joy in this time of year.  

Winter solstice…I’m grateful for you!

The color pink

To my favorite littlest leech,

You requested that I blog about you and you even suggested that I include the picture of the pasta that you made for me.  It was yummy at that too, and well worth a blog!  You have a gift for food presentation that looks too pretty to eat sometimes!  

When I think of the beautiful young lady you’re becoming I think about the color pink…

Pink has many meanings that fit the gifts you share with the world.  

Unconditional love - the kind of love that sees you through the hard times with a gentle helping of grace.  You may get frustrated, annoyed, hurt or disappointed, but I know you'll always continue to love. 

Compassion- Have a bad day, you're the person I'd want to talk to.  You are so loving and you take time to really show others how much you care.  This isn't something that can be taught, it's just something that you have or you don't.  

Playfulness- the color pink resembles a connection to one’s inner child.  I wish for you that you never grow up....your childlike spirit is contagious!  I love cruising around at night with you when the nighttime weather is warm, windows are down and we sing to our favorite songs at the top of our lungs as the wind blows our hair around.  

Sense of humor- you have a great sense of humor!  You laugh at my bad jokes.  You laugh at my ‘speed ahead’ dark humor.  You make crazy sounds with Sprite challenge laughs!  You are so funny!   You just laugh, a lot, and I cherish hearing the sound of your joy.  

What was said to the rose that made it open?

Something invisible, non-dual opens the roses.  There is no scientist that can figure out what it is, where it is, how it works and it's in every one of us.

I love you now and forever Madeline Rose! 🌹 

Finding joy in acceptance

Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. 

As I walked into my weekly Celebrating Recovery meeting, I felt a sense of peace, belonging and acceptance.  I was excited to be here.  

Tonight large group sat in the gym, as the sanctuary was being used to practice for the upcoming Christmas performance.  There were about 4 rows of seats compacted together in front of a makeshift stage, with a Karaoke machine set up for sound.  

I found a seat in the middle of the row, two rows back.  It wasn’t long before I was surrounded by people on both sides of me.  I felt secure and grateful for the feeling of intimacy that came with the smaller setup.  This was my place, I felt happy.  

As they began singing the worship songs I was excited that I actually recognized one of them.  I enjoyed singing along.  

Tonight was a graduation for a step study group of men who shared their testimonies.  Many cried as they recalled how unmanageable their lives had become before they let the light of God take their burdens. I found this experience so moving.  

As we made our way to small group I still found myself smiling and peaceful.  I started as I always do…Hi, I’m Amanda, and I struggle with codependency, anxiety, fear, insecurities, depression and unresolved trauma.  

Tonight, I shared that my life became so dark this year, that at one point I remember crying out; “God, if you take one more person away from me, I’m done with you.”  This is the moment my life became unmanageable.  The moment I decided to do life alone, without a savior.  

Then I shared how I feel that God saw a part of me that I was unwilling to trust him to manage.  My fear of being alone.  Because he LOVES me, he let me sit in that feeling-with open arms awaiting me to look to him for healing.  See, I realize how I have been caught with this hang up and it’s holding me back from being my best self. 

As I shared, the group listened so intently, and I felt the holy spirit’s presence.  He was amongst us.  I shared my desire to find a group that offers a 12 step program so I can continue in my healing journey.  I wasn’t expecting approval from anyone, I’m ready to own my own life.  

As I walked out of the meeting I felt excited for the next one.  I still had a smile on that was SO big!  I have found acceptance to my hangup, and I know freedom is on the other side!  

This really is a beautiful life! 

Boxes to check

 

Yep…Vancouver has an extra space, and I left it imperfect.  Now I call this place my little secret.  lol

This list of goals is the first thing I place my sights on as I awake…my personal checklist of fun and frills! 💕

As 2023 comes to an end, I reflect upon the highs and lows the year brought.  Without the lows there’s no doubt that I would not have leaned into lessons for personal growth.  The wins are what kept my head above water.  

God has this journey so perfectly orchestrated for me. He sees areas where I have stubbornly resisted growth and he allows me to fall into them face first.  I imagine God says: “Oh, you don’t like feeling insecure…here sit in that feeling for a while…Because I want you to trust me with the hardest feelings…because I love you and I KNOW what’s best for you.”  

This last year the greatest fear I have had to lean into is the fear of being alone.  Finding peace in my own skin.  Trusting God will carry me through.  With this fear brought feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and a desperate search for a sense of control.  

At my lowest point I remember crying out to God ‘please don’t take anyone else away from me’.  In my experience I have noticed how once I hit a low, I can look forward to the highs that always follow.  

As I head into the new year, I find I am inspired to invest into learning about myself and loving myself in a way I never have before.  

And so continues the highs and lows of this beautiful journey called life… 💕

Bring it 2024…I have some boxes to check!!!

A willingness to look within

I am grateful for my willingness to look within.  

To examine past experiences that have left me feeling unlovable and apply new skills to find solutions.

I had parents who loved me, this I have never questioned.  Even so, they are mere mortal humans and along the way I did not receive the securement I needed to feel ok in my own skin. 

As I get older I find myself struggling with the concept of 'being alone'.  Deep down I have the perspective that if I face plant, I won't be ok.  I won't have anyone to help me up.  Today I have a new truth.  

What I know:

• I am very capable of provided a fun and fulfilling life
• I am loved by many
• I have support
• I can provide for my family
• I have made it through many hard trials and come out on top. 
• I am proud of the woman I am today and this is the result of the beautiful and complex combination of trials and wins throughout my life.  
• It's a beautiful life

I was prompted by a few close people in my life to create some goals for myself.  I closed my eyes and meditated on the idea of me, and me alone.  What would I do without needing anything from anyone else to feel completely and ridiculously happy?

I made a list, and as I did I envisioned myself doing each thing and having the best time at it.  Then I typed the list up and printed it out onto a poster to hang on my wall.  

Each morning now I wake up and look at my list and I feel excited for opportunities to check items off!

Before I can truly pour into loving others, I must first be able to look within and love what I see.  

This has me thinking of my WOTY... and I want it to be a year that I pour love and attention into the most important thing to me right now....ME.  

Self-nuturing:

making myself feel worthy, loved and celebrating my uniqueness just the way I am.  

I desire:

To love myself like I am the last human left on this planet

To show myself self respect 

To show myself compassion

To love myself exactly as I need 

It is enough to be cared for by myself

I envision the falling of leaves from the trees.  Each leave twisting and turning as it makes its way to the ground below.  Bringing with it words of comfort, encouragement, and validation.  This is my tree of life.  

As a result of my willingness to look within when I get to the place of peace I am seeking I know that it is a result of laying old demons to rest and finding peace.  I can heal my life. 

Better days

 As I woke up this morning, I felt in a pretty good mood.  I had this surge of motivation to be ok with myself.  To let go of attachments to any other person or thing.  I felt enough.  

As the day progressed, I could feel the mental chatter in my head begin again to tell me that I am not worthy of love.  I felt a surge of anxiety that I will be alone, with no one to love or to love me.  I desperately wanted to make this thought go away.  I don't want to feel this way again.

Life is constantly changing, and I am noticing that I am not as resilient as I use to be.  As I see myself growing, I notice how uncomfortable I am feeling.  If I lean in to allow myself to feel, maybe I will find healing.  

I just want to feel better right now.  I want to learn the lessons and find peace today.  I am not honoring God's will or God's time.  I am operating on Amanda's time.  I think, "this feels yucky, and I want to feel happy".

I have never truly been alone....in 44 years I have always had someone to share space and entertain me.  I don't know how to be by myself and find joy.  It scares me.  Debilitatingly scares me.

Tonight, I drug myself to the Celebrating Recovery meeting, practicing discipline to myself and my spiritual need to connect and to honor myself by showing up.  As I sat in large group, I felt tears welling up.  I sat there and planned how I could quietly sneak out the door before I cry.  Heaven knows I don't want to cry in public.  C'mon, not now God....

I made my way to small group and noticed how shallowly I was breathing.  Barely taking any breath at all.  As they opened up with prayer, I felt the tears pooling.  C'mon God, not now, I thought.  So, I opened my eyes and focused on my breath to choke the feeling back down.  

As the ladies began to share, one of them mentioned the holiday's, and that was my breaking point.  I couldn't stop the tears from coming, so I just allowed them.  I ugly cried.  It felt cleansing.  I imagined I was anywhere but where I actually was and allowed the tears to flow.  

No one handed me a tissue, per the group guidelines.  See, there is a theory that handing someone a tissue stumps the feelings and tears from flowing.  In some way it is a sign that the crying needs to stop.  In this group, feelings are encouraged, so this would go against that purpose.  I also resisted grabbing a tissue and just allowed myself to feel and process.

When it was my time to share, I found the courage to speak whatever came to my mind.  I don't know if any of it made any sense, but I know that I felt a weight off my shoulders when I was done.  It felt good to confess my struggles, and the negative feelings associated with being alone.  It felt good to own my truth and to seek support to look up.

My real struggle is finding peace in the stillness, feeding my own needs through the holy spirit.  

Phillipians 4:9 states that God will meet all of our needs...really?  I don't feel like this is true.  Or is it my perception of what I 'need' that is off.  

• Need for approval from humans:- Seek the all knowing, perfect God
• Need for connection:- Seek the all knowing, perfect God
• Need for answers:- Seek the all knowing, perfect God

After listening to a video from Steven Furtick I notice the following points to meditate on. 

God doesn't take the need away, he becomes the need.  

When joy is low, entitlement is high

Being set free from what is expected, allows us to receive what we need. 

Blessings:

I am capable of self awareness

I am worthy, just as I am

I am witty, and fun

I care so deeply

I have a natural ability to connect with kids

I have improved SO much in the past 4 years in my personal growth

I am a fighter

I love being a mother, friend and partner

I love learning

I am excelling at my job

I have good health

I am determined to build a life I love

I am capable of finding the silver lining

I can adapt to the changing seasons of life

I have a cute laugh

I have the most supportive and loving people in my circle

I have an abundance of family

My life is truly beautiful, I just need to open my eyes to it.  

Coping with change

I think back to when I got divorced and why I left that relationship.  I recall waking up one day and feeling the words "I don't want to be married" running through my head.  I was terrified by the thought of those words.  I couldn't understand what was going on that I would feel this way.  At that point in time, I seemed to have the 'perfect life'.  How was it that I felt so empty inside?

I remember talking to my counselor about how I felt, and I described it as if I was standing back looking at life happening all around me.  Life was not happening for me.  She asked if I was happy.  Of course, I said.  I have a beautiful family.  They make me happy.  Are you happy?  Well, no.  It's not about me though.  She reminded me that it very much is about me.  She reminded me that I'm a healthier parent, person and partner when I am happy. 

As I walked away from a marriage of almost 20 years, I remember feeling childlike, with an awe for the big world in front of me.  I felt this curiosity to figure out what I wanted and who I was.  I immediately began digging deeper into my own emotions and behaviors.  Self-care books were my obsession.  I just couldn't learn enough about myself.  I was single, raising 3 kids in a two-bedroom apartment and I was happy!  I was so content at a time when I could have played a victim and self-sulked.  

I started making connections with people around me.  Real connections, well...more real than I had before.  During my marriage I took complete care of a small circle of people.  Investing wholly in them.  Now I wanted to expand my circle and be enough for a larger amount of people.  Show up for more people.  Give my life meaning and purpose.  

I met Allan a few months after moving out.  Through the years of being together I have watched and learned SO much from him about connection and showing up for others.  A journey I was just learning about that he had spent a lifetime living.  As the relationship continued to get stronger, I found myself reverting back to the old ways of being SO much to so few people.  My circle had significantly decreased. 

I think about the day that I am laid to rest.  What legacy will I leave behind for those that know me? Will I just be a quiet soul making it through the days or will I impact others with connection, love and memories?  I LOVE making and reminiscing on memories!

As my kids are getting older and moving on to the next phase of their lives, I find myself struggling to find joy.  They have been my world…investing all I can to not miss out on anything.  Now I feel lost.  I know what I love but I’m not sure how to bridge from where I am to where I want to be.  I could use these next 2-3 years to dig in and invest in my future or I can lay in bed and cry.  

I know I have not been coping well at all.  My self-care, hope and spirit have been dampened.  I do not feel like myself.   I'm isolating and withdrawing from my community instead of seeking connection.  I feel lost without the duty of being 'mom'.   I don't know my purpose outside of parenting.  I have become dependent on my kids to fill me with joy, love, laughter.  I know this is not their job.  

Where do I go from here?  I don’t have a vision for my future but I have an idea of what it feels like.  It feels like peace, joy, connection, confidence, passion, youth.  I’ll hold onto this feeling. 

As I reflect on the struggles I am having with this next chapter, I am empowered to think about my word of the year and where I want to put my focus.  

Word of the year

It's time again for the Word of the Year.

Previous words:

Gratitude

Communication

Faith 

This year I find myself at a very challenging phase of life.  As my cup of people home with me, that I engage with, continues to get smaller, I find myself struggling to be ok with myself.  I have not been able to cope with the idea of having me-time in a healthy way.  I find myself isolating, feeling down, crying and losing hope that I will ever be happy again.  

I think what I may be missing as this next chapter develops is connection.  Authentic connection with people.  I think there is a part of me that has always been afraid to miss out on anything my kids are doing.  To the point I have not invested in myself or my own hobbies. I basically live thinking when they are moved out, then I will...

I sit and wait for opportunity to be there for them, even if a whole day goes by and we don't engage.  This is not a healthy dynamic for any of us.  I realize how harmful this way of thinking is for them as well, to see a mom who isn't engaged in her own life.  This is a hard reality I haven't been willing to admit to myself for many years now. 

I have no one to blame for how I feel except myself.  No one can pull me out of this rut except for me.  It will always be my choice to feel better or not.  

So, this year I want to focus on connection.

Connection with myself and connection with others.  

Merriam-Webster defines connection as the act of connecting.  hmmmm, using the word to define the word.  Yea, that's not going to help me. 

What does connection look like for me?

Being curious about other's lives and desires

Being curious about my life and desires

Communicate openly about my feelings

Showing up to really hear someone

Speak from my heart

Have fun!

Socialize 

Not enough

I’m feeling overwhelmed today with emotions.  I am not sure how to manage relationship challenges that have arisen.  I have more people not like me today than ever before.  My world already feels shaken due to Trever leaving home.

I have hurt Allan’s daughters by actions or the lack of and while I seek restoration, they are not open to talking to me at this time.  How do I find acceptance of this?  

I am such a people pleaser, and I love to be included in, and a part of things.  It's hard knowing that his girls don't want me in their lives.  I definitely don't feel the same way.  They bring a lot of joy to me.

So many feelings of rejection have surfaced.  

Now I sit in these feelings and fight off the mental chatter that I’m not enough, I’m not lovable.  

It’s heartbreaking that they are so hurt by me, but more so that I failed an opportunity to be there when they needed me. I FAILED them.  Tears fill my eyes as I type this.  My brain converts this to: I am a failure.  

What I want to understand:

• What and how I have hurt them
• How I can show up differently in the future
• What they are feeling
• What they need going forward 

I feel disrespected by both girls as I am being talked about...but not to.  Time to forgive…I know I have been guilty of the same.  

I know I need to own my dismissal of their mom’s concern.  I became so self absorbed that an opportunity to show up and build trust was missed.  

Affirmations:

I am lovable 

I am enough

I have learned new skills to manage this.  

I have learned how to apologize 

I have realized the value of community and the willingness to share struggles and seek support. 

Stay open to truly hearing…

Nonjudgmental awareness 

After talking to Allan he reminded me that I called and shared with him the concerns that day so that he was able to handle the situation.  I felt a huge sigh of relief knowing that I did that... it’s natural for me to take blame even if it’s not mine to own.  I’m grateful to hear that I communicated it to him.

As I was still feeling bad for dismissing their mom due to an effort to stay out of the drama, I did text her an apology.  There was a part of me that wanted an acceptance response.  I did not receive one.  I think there was a point in time that this would have bothered me, but today I just wanted to clear my head and heart.  I'm in a good place now and I don't feel that there is anything else I need to do.  

It wouldn't hurt to have some grace and love for myself along the way.  I have been very harsh on myself and taking everything very personally.  I can work on having compassion. 

Runaway tire

I’ll never forget the day I got the phone call:

I don’t remember the exact details of the call but I do remember the high points.  Sometimes in moments of stress our brains only process certain tidbits of information.  This is what I remember:

Mom…

Tire fell off

Car is in the road..we can’t drive it

Called 911

Tire damaged this guy’s leaf blower…

Police are here

The police man wants to talk to you

…I’m on my way I say.

As I arrive to the scene I get the full story of what happened.  As Jayce and Maddy were navigating home after school the front of the car started making a weird noise…then it went away and all got quiet… (there’s the sign).  

Sometimes quiet is a good thing, other times like this one, it’s not.

As they are driving down Maple street, off flies the tire!  It hits the trailer of a neighboring truck full of professional yard equipment and bounces high enough to clear the two lanes of oncoming traffic and land in a pond across the street.  Yes, this REALLY happened.  

As I pull up, I see the old Honda being slowly driven out of traffic and onto a quiet side street.  We make arrangements for a tow truck and while waiting… realize the tire is still floating in the nearby pond.

I glance over at Madz and ask ‘wanna go fishing for a tire with me?’.  Being a brand new tire that Jayce had purchased just a couple days prior, I couldn’t let it get away.  Without hesitation she’s ALL in!  And off we go..

After about a minute of surveying the water, the tire is spotted.  Luckily it’s only about a quarter mile walk to get to it, and it’s right up against the bank.  This will be easy I think…

Well, think again girlie… 

What I didn’t consider is that tires are heavy, the bank is muddy and there’s little traction.  

I manage to wade down far enough to grab the tire and haul it out with the aid of Madz to pull me up.  The tire is wet, muddy and decently heavy.   Regardless, that doesn’t stop Madz from stepping up to carry the tire to the car. 

Through all of the excitement I forget to update Allan and Ren regarding everything going on and I left them hanging… desperately seeking reassurance that we are doing ok.  I’m grateful for their support during this moment I could NEVER have anticipated!  Their love and humor helped to bring the stress level back down to a healthier level.  

Things I learned. 

Allan and Ren are there no matter what, to lighten the mood with laughter and fun!  

God is always watching out for us!  The Honda was sold to upgrade to something more dependable, and it was learned that a few days after the tire incident the car had a massive leak and it started on fire 🔥 

There are really GOOD humans in the world: Ryan (the guy with the leaf blower) shared his story of how surreal it felt to see a tire flying through the air right for his windshield.  Thankfully, he took the appropriate actions to avoid the tire hitting his truck- did not file a claim, and also made a very generous contribution to help pay for the hundreds of dollars of damage incurred.  

We are raising kids who work hard and NEVER quit…

What’s real here?

Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel yucky?  

I woke up this morning and put on a workout shirt that felt good to wear…

I was excited to take a selfie and confirm how I feel I’m doing on self care…I took a pic and thought “ well that’s weird, I look fat…that can’t really be how I look”.  So I took another from a different angle.  Hmmmm, yup that’s not better.  I’m deleting ALL of these. 

In previous counseling sessions I’ve been told I display symptoms of body dissociative disorder: it’s hard for me to trust how I feel I look in pictures as I know that my perception may be inaccurate.  Basically, my brain lies to me. 

For example:

What I saw in the picture today didn’t match what I felt. 

What I felt- confident, healthy, toned, petite and cute

What I saw- cellulite, lack of tone, 30 pounds heavier than I felt I was (maybe an exaggeration), a girl who isn’t coping well with stress, a girl who is lying to herself about her own reality. 

These dissociative thoughts also work the other way around…when I was REALLY fit and healthy I felt heavy and untoned.  I couldn’t believe the girl I saw in pictures was actually me.  

After seeing a self portrait today I feel gross and disappointed in myself.  How could I possibly still be struggling with my health and wellness?  I know personally how amazing it feels to make healthy choices and manage my anxiety.  I also know all too well how terrible it feels when I don’t…

It’s not so much about the physical aspect, although I wouldn’t mind being fit again, it’s more the way I FEEL when I self care and make healthy choices.  

I have justified my poor choices… I give in to temptation over and over.  I wake up and tell myself, “today is a new day” and then repeat the same choices that leave me feeling gross.  I will eat well for a few days and then right back to eating my feelings of loneliness-boredom-sadness-anxiety.  

In my head I bully myself…

• You look like the girl guys would love to have as a ‘friend’
• You are gross
• Hair up…hair down…it doesn’t matter you’re face is still fat
• …I’m lazy
• You’re failing and the world can see it.  
• Ha…you were a personal trainer?  

(These feelings are incredibly hard to admit to myself and even more so to others…Will I be judged?  Made fun of?  Pitied?  Offered unsolicited advice?…on the contrary will I receive compassion? understanding? respect? encouragement?)  Either way it’s my reality I must face.  

I just want to lay in bed all day today so I can stay in self pity and wonder how to feel validated by the world that I’m enough.  This is exactly why I must get up…wash my face and really think about my choices and how I want to feel at the end of the day.  I am the boss of my day…I get to decide where to put my energy.  

They say you can tell about what matters to a person by what they invest their time in…

I say health and fitness matter to me, but do they really?  Am I acting in alignment with my values and desires?  Nope. 

Feeling yucky is my body’s way of talking to me… what is this feeling telling me?  Let’s get curious!

• I don’t like how I’m showing up to myself.
• I could be managing my emotions and feelings in a healthier way.  
• I am not living in alignment with my values
• I am looking outwardly for motivation to self care...and it isn’t working.  

Gratitude:

1. I threw out the chip dip and Oreos I’ve been binging on.  Surprisingly felt AMAZING to waste them (I was NEVER allowed to waste food growing up)!  
2. I am honestly journaling my feelings and feeling less depressed and more motivated by doing so. 
3. I am able to fit into my beloved workout shirt

That’s all I’ve got for now.  Some time at the gym will be a good replacement for unhealthy food to boost my yucky mood today.  

Self affirmation:

“Most people will live their lives giving themselves excuses for why they didn’t do the thing.  Don’t be most people.”

Daily affirmations-Instagram

L-H= S

Looking in is painful.  So much so, I don’t want to do it.  I have spent most of my life in a happy bubble… unaware of the benefits of looking within.  

I’ve had traumas…and I’ve been on a journey to find healing.

  

I see now how I feel shame at times.  

Most days I am a girl full of light…hope…love…laughter.  Authentically happy to my core.  

When I have an off day…I struggle to offer grace to myself.  

Today was one of those days.  I woke up and tears filled my eyes.  I instantly became curious…what’s going on dear child?

I have been silently struggling with hope.  I say ‘silently’ because I am just starting to realize it.  Once I realized I was low on hope, I took it hard.  ‘I don’t want to feel this way I prayed’

L (life) - H (hope) = S (shame)

I judge myself in these moments or dismiss the truth.  Why?  

I feel ‘bad’ at my core for the loss of hope.  Or so it seems.

My light is my gift to the world… my mom has seen this in me since I was very little.  I’m scared I will allow life to snuff this gift.  

Sometimes the world feels harsh… mean…scary...and unforgiving. 

However; The world is also bold…beautiful…light…magical!  

I love how Allan describes his recent hike.  It creates a visual for me of the hard days in life and the beauty that’s beyond our understanding.  

“There it was,

 I was about to reach the top of this hike

 before going over the edge

 and eventually heading down to Ten Lakes. 

 All I could see above the top of the ridge was blue sky.

  I knew it was coming…

I knew I would see something amazing in just minutes.”

(A. Coon 2023)

Today, I remind myself that the gorgeous view is coming…just keep moving.  One foot in front of the other. 

Grace- acceptance- love- compassion 

Maybe in the past I withheld these from myself…but I can offer them freely today.  

As I lay my head down on the pillow I am proud that I leaned in to the day despite how I felt.  The day was filled with so many beautiful moments: 

• Connections with those I love so dearly
• Time outdoors walking with a friend
• Unexpected generosity from a stranger
• Going out of my way to clean up dog poop 
• Sharing gratitudes with Maddy on the way home. 

From hope-shame, to love, blessings and connection, all in a days work.  

In the moment of despair it can be grueling to reach out for connection…at least for me it is.  It took an intense amount of energy to text a friend- ‘any chance you could walk?’.  Instead , I wanted to bury my head and hide my struggles from those around me.  I have spent my lifetime perfecting this poor coping skill.  

Today is different 

Today I can make healthier choices

Today I can let others in when my world feels dark

Today I can give back and show up for those around me.

As an adult I’m learning to appreciate the wide array of emotions and what each one has to teach me.  

L - H = S…

I could benefit from changing my self talk and affirmations.  

I could benefit from these affirmations:

1. It’s ok to have an off day
2. I’m allowed to experience some setbacks
3. Today I am capable of doing difficult things

Thanks to my amazing loved ones who care enough to help me through the toughest times…

Today I can rewrite my equation

L (life) - H (hope) = O (opportunity)

More than a phrase, a feeling

The gift of kindness, love and acceptance.  I cherish feeling this way.  I have been my own biggest barrier to achieving this level of happiness within myself.  

Deep down doesn’t every girl want to be told she’s beautiful?  Most of my life I have dreamed of being pretty.  I could easily see qualities about myself that were favorable; like my big heart- my playful nature- my generous spirit- my faith, but I never felt physically attractive or pretty.  I desperately wanted to feel validated physically.  

Over the last many years Allan has encouraged me to love myself for the most authentic reasons.  For the gifts that make me…me.  I used to scoff at this idea.  Who really cares if I’m fun, generous, and loyal…. Don’t all guys want a hot girlfriend?  

In time I have come to see the blessing of compliments that speak to who I am at my core.  This is true beauty.  This is the girl I strive to become, one who sees the whole package of gifts.  One whose smiles lights up the room.

The other night, I received a compliment from a loved one that was completely unexpected, and very much appreciated.

See, I was in a moment where I felt confident and good about myself.  I needed for nothing.  On this day the sun had made its warming presence, and my skin soaked it up.  I set boundaries to protect time for self-care but also had connections with my loved ones.  My cups felt full, I’m happy.  Deep down inside, I’m truly fulfilled.  

Then out of nowhere comes this comment.  It was simple, wholehearted and felt non-rehearsed.  

You are pretty

I carry with me a long list of reasons to refute this:

• My hair is messy
• My face looks fat
• I haven’t flossed my teeth
• I have a weird smile
• I have visible facial imperfections 

Typically, my head would repeat many thoughts from my list of imperfections that would disqualify me from what was said.  I would use my skills of invalidating the compliment - deflecting the attention or laughing at the idea of the truth behind it.  

How I responded not only caught me off guard, but it also helped me to see some growth in my skills.   

I received graciously!  I said “thank you”!

These words felt deeper than…”Hey you look great”… Despite my internal perception of flaws, after hearing these words I felt loved and accepted.  This one random comment left me feeling lifted, confident and proud of my growth.  

This got me thinking about the words I say.  How often might my words have a similar impact on someone else?  We never know what people are truly going through, or how messages are received.  I strive to be more intentional to pass on the message of love and acceptance I felt today. 

Thanks God for putting a win in this skill bucket! Thank you for allowing me to accept someone's gift of kindness to me.  Open my eyes to opportunities to pay this forward. 

Deep down every girl wants to feel pretty.  

Disciplined in the making

As I think about areas of my life that I can work on the one that comes to my mind most is the thought of acting in a self disciplined way.  

Mind tools.com explains self discipline as:

“the ability to push yourself forward, stay motivated, and take action, regardless of how you're feeling, physically or emotionally. You're showing it when you intentionally choose to pursue something better for yourself, and you do it in spite of factors such as distractions, hard work, or unfavorable odds.”

Far too often my feelings dictate my actions.  I feel…I react.   I have strayed so far from a disciplined diet and way of life…I validate my poor choices and then I complain that ‘I can’t lose weight’ for example.  

I notice how I easily get caught up ‘doing what I want’.  This comes with a cost that feels unfavorable.  In the moment when I have a choice I just react.  

For example: Just the other night I was feeling tired- sad- bored.  How did I react?  I ate a whole row of Oreos- 2 servings of Doritos and a bowl of cereal.  Then I proceeded to pass out during my long distance ‘movie time’ with my sis.  

How did I feel afterwards? 

• Unattractive, guilty, regretful, weak.

How do I want to feel?

• Strong, disciplined, proud, healthy

Here’s my public commitment:

• 30 days tracking my foods and activities in Lose it.
• 2 Positive affirmations every morning upon waking.
• 5:2 fasting plan (5 days of normal meals…2 days of fasting eating only 1 meal <500 calories)

Will this be hard?  Yes, but I don’t want a life that is easy and doesn’t challenge me.  

My journey back to healthy eating will require a tremendous amount of willingness and self discipline.  Let’s go!!!

While backsliding is part of my human-ness- I am grateful for the awareness to take actions that ‘FEEL’ better!  I’m excited to choose an increased awareness and greater actions of self- discipline.  

I set my eyes to vision how I’m going to feel on the backside of this… At the end of 30 days (Nov 12th) I see myself feeling confident and disciplined.  This feels good!   

Getting lost

If you know me very well, you know it doesn’t take much for me to get lost.  This time is different than the previous times.   This time I am choosing to get lost…

Yesterday morning I excitedly ventured off to go for a hike on a nearby trail system that includes horse trails and lots of tall grasses and weeds.  In the past while trekking through this area I would return home covered in ticks and chigger bites.  

Today, I am testing out my insect shield treated clothing…using no additional bug spray for protection.   Let’s see if this stuff works!!  

Surprisingly I’m not even nervous- I feel very confident in this company’s bug treatment.  I am wearing tall socks tucked under the cuffs of my lightweight hiking pants.  Both items treated with Permethrin.  

Today I decide to let Oaks lead the way.  Wherever his nose directs us, I will follow.  It was a really fun journey getting lost together!  

After over an hour of wandering, I get a phone call from Jayce asking when we’ll be home to make breakfast as promised, because he’s getting hungry… that’s when I realize… I’m lost.  We are on a horse trail somewhere and all I see is a field on one side of me and a forest area on the other side.  

This reminds me of those moments in life where there is no plan…where we get so engrossed in the moment we get ‘lost’.  I love and cherish these moments for the freedom that accompanies it.  

C’mon, let’s get off the radar and get lost together!

Conflicted

I was so conflicted 

I was daddy’s girl- he spoiled and loved me

Then I saw this other side of him and it scared me.  I wanted the pain, fear and hurt to stop.  In the moments there was heightened stress and anger I didn’t know what to do.  In those moments I wished he would die.  In those moments I hated him.  

But I loved how I felt he showed up to me…teaching me- laughing with me- trusting me- loving me….

My heart was conflicted and hurt 

How could I wish such a horrible thought?  

I see how, just for today, I need to stay on my own page…time to get off of everyone else’s.  I have a part to own.  My thoughts and actions did not align with my values.  I need to own this…I need to apologize to my dad. 

It’s so easy to be all about other people and what they should’ve and shouldn’t have done.  There is no healing or power in this frame of mind.  My healing will be found through honest self reflection and living a life today that makes ME proud of how I am showing up.  

I WAS so conflicted, but I’m not anymore.  I’m glad my daddy didn’t die.  I’m glad I get the opportunity to apologize, forgive and heal.  

Wow!

I fall asleep soon after creating the painful purpose blog and awaken to the sound of my phone chirping the tone of a text message coming through. 

As I lay in bed allowing myself to awaken a little bit more, I realize that maybe through the eyes of a child my experience was traumatizing, but maybe…just maybe I was overly sensitive just like the situation at Walmart.  

I don’t mean that moments didn’t happen that felt scary and out of control, but maybe it was magnified through my scared lenses.  Perhaps there weren’t as MANY moments of trauma as it seems.  

Then I look at my phone and see a text from my dad…saying good morning 🌞…I very rarely get anything from him so this has to be from God.  

WOW!!

Painful purpose

Painful purpose.  

The other day while in the self check out at Walmart, there was a family of 3 at the register in front of Maddy and I.  It looked like a mom-dad-and 3ish year old boy.  The family was dirty and disheveled.  The boy was crying...a lot…sitting in the front of the cart.  The dad kept telling him to shut up and then after a few minutes of continued crying, he slapped the boy ‘hard’ in the mouth.  I was instantly trauma triggered.  

Strong feelings surfaced immediately and I felt myself freeze up.  I was probably staring with a horrified look on my face.  

I realize that I have a tendency to overreact and have an extreme response that most may not, to situations involving correction.  While slapping someone on the mouth may not have been ideal- it doesn’t mean it’s going to turn into abuse.  

I'm struggling opening the door to understanding what I was feeling and what I felt afraid of, but this is my attempt to try. 

I can relate to this situation as a parent.  I remember slapping one of my own kids in the mouth when they were about that age.  I recall I was grasping for some sort of control over the situation.  I also remember feeling so terrible about it I never let myself get to that point again, but I still went there once.

When I saw that situation at Walmart, my hero instinct kicked in, I wanted to step in and help rescue the boy.  My empath nature kicked into overdrive as I put myself in his shoes and imagined the fear and sadness he was feeling.  My fear also kicked in and I didn’t know what to say or how to respond.  Just like when I was a kid.  I chose to look the other way.  Dang…

I have never been the victim of physical abuse…in fact, I was just the opposite…I rarely got reprimanded for anything.  However; I witnessed physical and emotional abuse.  The guilt of not being able to help stop it and the neurological effects continue to impact me.  I definitely still struggle with feeling responsible for not helping more, or standing up.  I see how I was self ‘trained’ to pretend nothing was happening.  I would seek shelter in my room and ‘mind my own business’.  At least this is my memory.  

 I still feel like I struggle with knowing when and how to speak up.  So, I Googled to find a few ways I could respond. I found some possible suggestions that feel in line with my values and feel like something I would actually say.  

“I remember when my children were that age. They can be a handful. Do you need any help?”

“Hey, I don’t mean to get into your business or tell you how to parent, but I noticed that…”

I was and still act like a coward.  Yes, I chose to selfishly hide in my room instead of standing up for what was right.  I remember laying in my room praying that this abuser…my dad…would die.  Please God take him away- I would repeat.  Yep, this was my repeated prayer.    How awful that feels today.  

Wait…I was a CHILD…where is my grace for myself?   I definitely didn’t have the tools or support to stand up to an angry adult, grown man.  I offer more grace and protection for the abuser than I do for child me.  Interesting…

I realize that healing may not come until I face my fears, and lean into the discomfort of talking to my dad about this.  What would be the purpose of this conversation and what would I hope to get from it?  

Yep…not ready for that.  Closing the door again…for now. 

I trust God has a purpose for this pain I’m experiencing…if I stay open and willing to look within there is something beautiful in the making.  God can use this pain to develop me and better myself.

I’m grateful:

• I am courageously willing to crack this door and peek inside 
• I curiously explore the possible effects this has had on me in the long term
• I am willing to try a different approach 
• I am willing to forgive as many times as necessary 
• I am showing vulnerability

Whatever the painful purpose is of these memories resurfacing I trust it will be revealed to me in time.  I AM and will be OK.