Daylight

 

Trauma.  

Some people have a small carry on… others have a checked bag.. and yet others,  like me, have a UHaul to load the baggage.  That’s ok!  

Here it is, a Friday morning, and I am on my way to work.  I’m excited for today as I’m only working a couple hours.  The night sky is dark- lit up only by the glow of the stars and the full moon.  The world is quiet.  My drive to work gets me out of the city, away from the noise and chaos and out onto the country roads.  There’s something magical about this morning drive…something about it leaves my soul feeling free to be authentically accepted. 

I am listening to Staind’s newest album ‘Confessions of the Fallen’.  As I’m listening to the song ‘in this condition’ I turn the speakers up and blast out the lyrics.  This FEELS good!  But then I feel a shift…I realize I am intensely yearning for Allan’s voice and steadiness.…then I observe more feelings popping up.

There is something so uniquely special about Staind's new album.  Almost every song moves me.  The  first time I heard this album I wasn’t really moved by it.  Since there were a couple songs that I liked, I kept listening.  Now, it’s the only album I listen to and I keep it on repeat.  I'm clearly obsessed.  lol

FEAR- I am overwhelmed with the sensation of restriction and tightness I begin to feel.  I notice my breathing becoming very shallow and my eyes welling up with tears.  Within moments I can no longer sing along to the lyrics. Tears streaming from my eyes… it becomes hard to see.  I debate if I need to pull over.

Get it together….whatever this is… it WILL be ok.  Take a breath.   ….no not like that, take a slow and purposeful breathe.  Allow the air to fill your lungs and replenish your body.  Yea, just allow yourself to feel.  

Ahhhh, I can feel myself start to soften, but the tears don’t let up. So, I let them fall.  I let them saturate my face and find their way down to my shirt.  I don’t try to force anything, but just stay focused on my breath.  

Today my trigger of unworth is resurfacing.  What I’ve yet to realize in the moment is that this time I’m ready… 

You throw your stones and I soak up the messages of unworth.

I simply am not enough…

This message is hidden somewhere in the vault of my subconscious and it finds its way to the surface from time to time.  Today is one of those days. 

Where does this come from?  

I had parents and siblings who genuinely cared and loved me!  Somewhere along the lines the world was cruel.  I still feel the pain.

If you know me, you know music is my therapy!  I have recently discovered that I am a lyrics girl.  One of the very first things I fall in love with and notice about a song is the ‘words’.  As long as I can remember, I have had a hard time expressing my thoughts and feelings.  I struggle with finding the ‘words’.  Often times this leaves me with silence.  Music bridges this gap for me…it helps me put words to how I’m feeling.  

In Shinedown's song Daylight released in 2022 on the album 'Planet Zero' are the words: 

"it's amazing what the hard times reveal

 like who shows up, who walks away, and who’s for real."  

I remember the first time I heard these lyrics in concert- The words brought me to tears.  Tears of gratitude for those who continue to stick by me and some sadness for the ones I’ve lost along the way. 

I was recently prompted to explain what the words mean to me.  While I knew that there was something deep under the surface, I just couldn't place what it was.  Never have I ever felt the truth behind those lyrics as I do today…

I have trauma from being bullied and abandoned…it still pains me to this day.  My inner child is always searching for acceptance and belonging.  "Why was I not enough?" I would think.  Where were my people?  I felt alone most of my childhood… 

…I didn’t share my struggles.  I kept them inside and tried to manage alone.  I felt alone because I didn't give people an opportunity to show up.  

I’m different today.  Today when the hard times come, as I know they will, I see that I have new evidence.  I AM enough for the right people!!  I am loved unconditionally despite my human tendencies… by the RIGHT people.  I just had to find them.  That I did.  

I think I see what was behind the urgency I felt to connect with Allan.  I mean of course I MISS him like crazy, but this felt different.  Deep within the Amanda vault, my subconscious knew the breakdown was coming.  Allan is my often go-to for support, unconditional love and strength.  My body knows how to care for me! 

In a previous post I mentioned sifting through the ashes to find the Ruby.  Dig through those ashes…what is being discovered?

As a child I was abandoned by people that I genuinely cared for and loved.  When times got hard, some walked away.  The pain of rejection and unworth this left me feeling has beaten me down for SO many years.  Why wasn’t I enough?  

I am terrified to open the door to what I’m feeling… so I slowly crack it.   

I have decided to stand up to bullies in my present life.  This triggers emotions from my past...

Keep digging girl… 

As a youth I was bullied- both privately and publicly, and I allowed it.  Ouch.  I ALLOWED it…I never told anyone and I chose to walk through it alone.  I withdrew and isolated. 

Keep going…

I felt lonely and afraid

I did not have the tools to cope with what the world was handing me.  I struggled in silence.

While I can’t understand the reasons for these experiences, I do know that God does.  He has and always will be on my side.  I don’t need to hold onto this anymore.  I can let it go. 

As I keep sifting I can see the glimmer of the ruby…

I SEE the people who showed up, I see the people who were real.  I SEE them!  

I am NOT that same girl…I have the tools now to handle this.  To rise up and fight for myself.  I am a warrior!  My story has a purpose to help others find strength in the darkness.  I am and always have been enough!    

This year God has shown me how MANY people are in my circle.  This year God has shown me how to be in MY own circle.  I have everything I need.  I am OK!

 

Living abstractly

My recent expressions of future desires have been under the magnifier glass of many over the past few weeks.  I can’t lie, initially, the sting of criticism burned...like a candle in the night.  However, for one of the first times in my life I can say that I am OK with the choices I am making.  I feel confident, empowered and EXCITED!  

Recently I had a friend over, and we were hanging out on the couch talking.  She randomly gets up off the couch and says, “I just can't take it anymore.”!!I have to fix it!  ...she leans towards the large plastic Tupperware dish I have sitting out on the coffee table which has the lid on…well kinda.  The lid is just laying across the top of the container and its upside down.  She couldn't resist any longer, she just HAD to put the lid on right side up.  I made some comment about my 'abstract art' on the table and how I liked how it looked.  

I would say I live a pretty abstract life.  I am met with criticism when my choices go against the grain, but I stand firm in my beliefs and how I pursue my visions for a future.  I have spent the majority of my life taking care of others at the expense of myself.  

I am a partner, a parent, a daughter and a friend who has big visions for living life to the fullest.  Chasing my dreams and not being afraid to go against the grain.  

When I was 16 my family moved from Athol, ID to Columbia Falls, MT. I was a Junior in high school, and I heard about a program offered through the University of Montana that took you out into the wilderness to learn how to live off the land, make a shelter and find food.  I was sold on this idea!  Something inside of me came alive, and I was considering college for the first time in my days of youth. 

Well, life took a couple turns and I never ended up taking that course, but I also never stopped thinking about it.  Growing up in Idaho was the coolest childhood for me and it sparked a love of exploring and adventures in nature that are still alive in me today.

As I raised my kids in the midwest I have been grateful that they were able to be around their family...grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins.  This is something I was able to give to them that I didn't have a lot of growing up.  While I had considered the benefits of raising them in the mountains, I didn't want to take away their ability to connect with their families.  I don't for a moment regret this decision.

However, as my kids are growing up and finishing high school, I see an opportunity to spread my wings and follow my vision for a future.  

Amanda has desires of her own...I am after all- my own person.  Separate from anyone else.  Full of abstract ideas, creative views, and passions uniquely mine.  I know my kids wholeheartedly love me and want me to be happy.  If I stayed in Kansas for their sake, I may grow to resent them.  I may hold it against them in some fashion that I stayed to fulfill some sort of obligation.

As I was raising my family a part of me thought that my dreams to exist and adventure in the mountains would die.  I wanted to believe that I would be fulfilled with other things.  I was wrong.  The older my kids get the stronger my desire to chase nature becomes.

I want to live a life exemplary of chasing dreams...never accepting a life someone else chooses for me, facing my fears.  I want my kids to know the value in taking risks and stepping out to find their way.  

The greatest gift I can give to them is acceptance to be whoever they are!  To create a story that is uniquely theirs and live abstractly.  Shake up the ground a little bit...go against the grain...and pursue a life of joy and happiness!  For me this journey is in the mountains! 

Living abstractly and LOVING it! ❤️

Quaintly organized

Now that the prepping of 411 Prescott is mostly behind us, I can now focus on organizing the new place at Berkshire.  I have been really motivated to declutter and maximize the space I have available. 

As I was packing up the old house I found SO many different things that I either didn’t remember where they came from, or I no longer found joy from having them.  I felt no shame or guilt in letting these items go.  I desire to put energy into connections and experiences with people this year.  

I threw a LOT of things away and donated many more.  Donating is very dear to my heart.  We have a local church that runs a 'clothes closet' and any items donated to them are returned to the public free of charge.  That's my kind of place.  Sharing what we no longer want/need with others who could benefit from it.  Growing up we received many treasures and were greatly blessed by the donations of others.  I appreciate being able to pay it forward.  

Over the past few weeks I have been researching and investing in how to make the most of a small space. There are so many fun and creative ways to create less clutter and maximize potential in the available wall space.  The biggest obstacle that I've yet to resolve is what to do with our bikes.  I know storage is a possibility, but I like my bike to be with me when I am ready to ride.  I feel that if I have to make an extra step to get it from storage, it's likely I won't.  

I feel really blessed to be at the townhouses again.  I personally like it here in my quant space…close to walking trails, straight shot to work, food and parks nearby…a calming pond with water fountain and some familiar neighbors.  And despite my excitement I shared with Allan regarding mowing the lawn at the last place...I am ok NEVER mowing again...lol

Cheers to a quaint and relaxing place to call home!  

Sifting through the ashes

“It’s amazing what the hard times reveal…like who shows up, who walks away, and who’s for real. “ 

🎶

I remember going on a hike and at one point we reached an elevated view out.  Unfortunately, it was SO foggy that morning we could not see more than a few feet in front of us.  We had a pretty good idea there was something beautiful to be seen under the fog, but we just could not see it.  The trail was an 'out and back' kind of trail and as the day progressed on, the fog began to lift.  As we made our way back down the trail to the lookout spot again we had a completely different view.   This time we were able to see for what seemed to be miles...the view was spectacular!  

Sometimes in life plans get rearranged, derailed and thrown off track…and we are left picking up the pieces and ‘sifting’ through the ashes.  We just can't see the beauty to come from it.  It takes true faith to believe that there is beauty to be appreciated once the fog clears.  

As we sift through the ashes of life we may find treasures we never expected.  I believe this is where God reveals himself to us.  See, I’ve noticed the human tendency is to judge situations as good or bad.  When things go against the ‘norm’ they can only end in disappointment and disaster- or so we think.  

When I think back on the moments in life I felt I was sifting through the ashes I had the greatest appreciation and blessings revealed to me.  If you know me very well, you know there was a time our family spent the summer living in a tent while in between housing.  My possessions were few, but my experiences were rich.  More on that another time. 

This period of my life was one of my fondest experiences.  Although it wasn’t easy, it was memorable for the connections and experiences that were made.

One of my most burdensome struggles is feeling alone.  I struggle trusting others will show up for me.  In some ways this has helped me become independent and capable of overcoming obstacles in my path.  However, this isn’t always helpful.  Asking for help can be gut wrenching hard for me.  I can’t do it alone because I wasn’t designed to do it alone, but sometimes I try.  

This summer has brought a crazy amount of change in my life!  During this season community has shown itself to our family, and in SO many different ways.  Times got hard, the going got tough and I got to see people show up in the most loving and supportive ways.   For the first time in a very long time I didn't consider managing life alone.  I leaned in to graciously receive.  

So many different people: My ABFL, family, friends, neighbors, strangers… showing up to offer help, love and support through recent life events.  Many a nights it has brought me to my knees with gratitude.  People owe me nothing, yet they give so freely.  So freely!!  

My community of people: most of you know who you are, and I hope you know just how absolutely grateful I am for you!  

• You believe in me
• You encourage me
• You love me
• You want what’s best for me
• You protect me
• You help me
• You show me a little glimpse of God’s character 
• You keep me laughing 
• You allow me to be seen
• You let me breakdown without fixing me
• You are silly with me

This summer you may some may have been overwhelmed with the ‘ashes’ I was sifting through, but I didn’t see it that way.  I saw a ruby waiting to be discovered.  Our family unit has grown in ways I would have never imagined.  We are stronger than ever, and I feel I am back on track towards a simple life.  

If you’re reading this and you think….this wasn’t written for me.   Don’t be so quick to dismiss the impact you may have had on me.  Maybe it was a moment you inspired- affirmed- encouraged me or how you made me feel that spoke to me during this time.  

Sometimes our vulnerability is shown through letting others in to see we have a need to be met.  To let them see we don’t have it all figured out.  To let them know we need help. 

Thank you!

Childlike spirit

This weekend while hanging out down at Elk River with the family, my mom said how she felt like she saw the youthful, childlike spirit come alive in me once again.  She took the time to share her viewpoint of what I was like as a young child.  Adventurous- happy- free spirited.  

As I look back to reflect on my childhood I remember the many days of exploring and adventuring in the woods I got to enjoy.  SO many memories of going hiking where there were no actual trails.

When my lil sis was born it seems like this part of me snuffed out.  I became confused on how to be responsible and adventurous at the same time.  I grew up and 'funned' down.  I found enjoyment in new things like the sound of my kids' laughter, watching them learn and grow- sharing snuggles. 

As I look to the vision of my future I see my path realigning to get me back to my roots, get me back to the mountains to be able to explore like I did when I was younger.  

As I listened to my mom describe the young adventurer she saw in me I smiled, both on the inside and on the outside.  I knew this girl and I love her... 

I am working lavishly not to become attached to any outcome.

Yesterday I killed it on the hiking trail.  I originally set a goal of 10-12 miles to help prep me for my Colorado and Yosemite trip. Initially the trail was decorated with rocks to scramble over, or traverse along the route.  As I continued the hike, it flattened out and required less and less traversing.  The details of the variety of colors in the rocks intrigued my visual cortex.  

Felt a bit of sadness as I thought about all of the people I miss. 

Raincoat mishap

Sometimes I get a thought bubble and it turns out to be genius!!  Other times; well let's just let you be the judge. 

So here it is, a rainy Monday night.  I get off of work an hour early with intention to go straight home to walk Oaks.  Mondays are his longest days without an outside break and after approx 9 hours, I imagine he's ready to go out.  I am fueled with motivation to not let the slowly falling rain stop me from helping my puppy get some steps in today.  As I think about my raincoat hanging off the back of the chair, I get this epiphany of a thought bubble...

I could make Oaks a raincoat out of a trash bag!!!   YES!!  I do a little happy dance in the kitchen as I prep for my newfound creation with a pair of kitchen shears and a trash bag.  Oakley is not impressed.  As I approach him to put the bag over his head, he ducks his head down between his front paws and starts to back away.  His tail is so far between his rear paws that you can't even tell he has one.  I see him trembling.  Hang in there buddy, this is going to be great....you just wait and see!

I manage to get his head through the hole I created in the bottom of the bag, and I make four holes (one for each leg to go through) and a hole in the rear for his tail.  In all of the excitement I forget to put on my own raincoat....so back inside we go.  lol

Finally, we are outside and off to find a grassy patch so Oaks can relieve himself.  Within moments he is squatting down to potty.  I enjoy the sound of the light rainfall as it drips onto my raincoat.  Soon enough we are off on our walk adventure.

Today is just not any walk for Oaks...today is a rigorous self-care walk.  What is that?  That is a walk with intention to feel the purest joy.  A walk that takes time to savor the sights and sounds nature is producing.  A walk where I put a little skip in my step and feel as light as a fawn.  A walk without judgment or expectation.  A chance to let my mind wander and listen for the soft whisper of God as he speaks his truth into me.  A chance to get away from all of the distractions and get back to the adventurous, joyful, curious, and fun girl in me.  

As we are walking along, I notice Oakley starting to run in circles.  He appears scared as his tail is tucked between his legs and he is almost running in circles away from himself.  I try to call him to me, but he is not budging.  Something is bothering him, and he is terrified of it.  As I crouch down to investigate, I notice that one of the ties from the top of the bag has tangled itself around his rear leg.  I reach to untangle it when I notice that the part of the trash bag under his belly is hanging onto the ground.  Wait...there's more.

The bag is filled with the urine he expelled just moments before.  Yup, you heard me right. Oakley is now dragging about 2 cups of dark yellow urine below his belly.  Being the male that he is, he peed right into the large opening of the trash bag.  ooooooppppsss....

I laugh out loud as I discover this.  Didn't think that through very well.  😂

Well since today is rigorous self-care walk day we must continue on.  So, I try to empty as much of the urine out of the bag as possible and on we go.  A few more minutes into the walk Oaks squats to take a deuce (Thanks to How i Met Your Mother for that term) and I immediately think....I hope I didn't clog that hole.  This girl doesn't do butt stuff! 💩   Phew, everything came out ok for him, and on we go.

As the rain continued to fall, Oakley's head got wetter and wetter.  So, like any adorable little puppy would do, he decided to roll around in the grass to dry off.  Boy did he look happy as he rolled over and over and all around in the grass!!  That's my sweet puppy!!  The moment is interrupted with another "this was not such a genius idea" thought bubble.  The trash bag raincoat still has urine in it.  CRAP.  Didn't think that through very well.  

Well, at this point I think, we might as well finish our walk.  Afterwards, we are heading straight to the dog wash!  

One of the things I love most about being out in nature is the excitement of the mystery that entails.  Just like this walk journey, I could have never anticipated what was about to unfold.  Hiking is no different.  Around each corner, up each incline, through each treed area lies a mystery to be revealed, struggles to overcome and a chance to quiet the mind to process, feel and be inspired by God's callings.  

With an open mind and no expectations, I found myself laughing out loud and flowing through the moments today.  I had a skip in my step that didn't faulter.  I am currently writing the story of my life and it's a good one!  Stay open to enjoy the mysteries of life and find joy in what they bring.  You after all are the author or YOUR story, so make it a good one!  

Rigorous self care activities for today:

Intentional walk

Bubble bath with candles and a Jack Johnson playlist

Ice cream (Mmmmmm....) 

Blogging while listening to the pitter patter of the rainfall

Hot Cocoa and a snugly blanket while curling up on the couch.  

  

EnJOY

 

Just before the big move I was sitting in the living room on the couch, and I started to feel the reality of the end of our journey on Prescott St. come to an end.  While there are things I will NOT miss about this house, I will miss the family connection it provided, the view of the water, the walking opportunities away from the noise of cars, the amazingly friendly neighbors and the closeness to the kids’ friends.  

As I thought about the joy this house brought, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes.  I had been holding these tears back for a while.  I realized I was afraid to cry in front of the kids.   Today was going to be different.  I took a deep, slow breath and let the tears flow.  I could feel the coolness of each tear as it made its way down my face.  I inhaled again…letting it out slowly.  ‘It will be OK’ I repeated in my head.  

Out of the corner of my eye I visualized Maddy sitting across from me.  She was making subtle eye gestures towards her brother, who I could hear standing behind me.  The house was eerily quiet.  No one spoke for what felt like an hour, but in reality it was mere moments.  

It was the first time I allowed myself to let my walls down and cry in the presence of the kids.  Being vulnerable still scares me.  I’m not sure what it is that I’m afraid of.  Sometimes I feel I have to be ‘strong’ to keep going.  

I felt proud of myself for allowing my sadness to show without any expectations from anyone to ‘fix’ me.  I was sad, and it was ok.  

Later that night, after I fell asleep, the kids came knocking on my door to awaken me.  After several minutes of persuading me out of bed without success they bribed me with ‘Posty’ on the radio.  As I grumpily crawled out of bed they led me to the kitchen table.   They had a thoughtful and loving surprise they had put together for me, with Posty playing in the background.  

The tears flowed again as I read their sweet and loving words handwritten on the card.  The coolest thing was that no one prompted them to put this together…it wasn’t a holiday or my birthday.  They saw an opportunity to bring joy and they acted on it.  That’s pure love.  I felt intense fulfilling joy. 

Last night was our first night in the apartment and I must say, without a doubt, I feel blessed.  This move has been and will be very beneficial. 

• Allan has shown up as my/our hero- showing his undoubting love by supporting me and taking care of the kids and I.  Take whatever you need for the kids to feel comfortable…he says.  
• My dear friend and hubby committed HOURS of exhausting work moving the big furniture to its new location.   Accepting help graciously turned out to be very challenging for me- I struggled with thoughts that I owed them something for helping.  They wanted for nothing but to help.  Thanks!
• There was already an overnight friend party! 😊 
• Our sweet Oaks will get more time being walked- and more trips to the dog park!
• Jayce took us down memory lane reminiscing about our game of hide and seek with flashlights…I think it may be time for another game!

The greatest blessing, was my willingness to see how far from a simple life I had gotten over the past 9 months.  I see how I was seeking some sort of security through material items.  I had ‘SO’ much, yet I found myself wanting more.  I feel so far away from my authentic life.  

I feel encouraged to get back to simplicity.  Live off less.  Help others more.  Spend my moments on things I WANT to invest my time doing.  Thoroughly enJoy this journey of a life!  

Berkshire Apt 901…let’s make some memories!  

Press 1 if you’ve ever been trapped by automated phone services…

 I think it’s safe to say we’ve all been there…

This last week I have been fighting the ‘automated’ phone system to try and get resolution to my inability to log into my 401K account. 

I call the number listed for customer support.  I am then taken through a string of automated steps.

Press 1 for English

To access this system you need to enter:

• the last 4 digits of your SS#
• BD listed as day day month month year year year year.
• zip code.

Then another prompting: press 1 for….. 

There are 6 callers ahead of you with an estimated wait time of 29 mins.  If you would like the system to call you back press 1…

And another automated process to verify my name and number. 

I FINALLY get to speak to someone on the phone and she tells me she can’t do anything, I need to go online and reset my account- or the call is disconnected and I go through the entire process again.  

I made approximately 6 attempts to get my account reset so I can log in….with no avail.  To this day I still cannot access my account.

Can you relate?  

I think about the days before automated services replaced speaking to an actual human.  

I become curious: 

• Are there just too many humans to keep up with the demand?  I thought Covid helped with this… lol
• Is it merely to save a dollar?
• How do we get back to our time being valued by these super companies?  

Don’t get me wrong- sometimes the automated services are fabulous, but in my experience they often are not.  Leaving me feeling frustrated, inpatient and unable to get my needs met.  

Throughout it all I try to be kind, patient and respectful.  I have been know to cross the line to disrespect after repeated failed attempts to get help.  In a recent interaction, I was told by a much younger family member that I was too nice and I needed to ‘let them have it’ to get my needs met. Though this individual insisted this was the ‘only way’ to be heard, I reinforced that this is not the person I wanted to show up as. I continued being respectful but firm, and in the end I did get my needs met.  

Is this a generational perspective or somewhere along the way have we been programmed into thinking this way?

Has showing up as the ‘Karen’ earned respect when otherwise it wasn’t granted?

At the end of the day how I show up to people matters to me.  Even if I lose my temper, from time to time, I always have an opportunity to reset and refocus.  

Finding peace with closure

For some, change seems to be a way of life…like the grains of sand falling through a plastic sifter, some people appear to just flow so smoothly as their life unfolds in front of them.  Their path being left up to the fate of gravity and the pourer of the sand.  

I am not sand.  I am a concrete slab- as the pourer of the sand attempts to get me to pass through the sifter; either I break or the sifter breaks.  The only thing for sure is that something has to break to get me to pass through.   At least this is how I feel.  

I have been through so many changes in my life.  Each change has brought me an intense initial rush of anxiety and sadness as I close the chapter I’m in.  However, each time I have closed a chapter, a new and exciting gift of a chapter awaits me.  Full of mystery, excitement and  joy. 

This weekend I began the process of cleaning out T’s room.  Last weekend he came up to take the things he cares about the most and left behind a shamble of stuff that he doesn’t care if he ever sees again.  

Nothing could ever prepare a mother’s heart for the journey I embarked on.  I was not prepared, but are we ever prepared for letting go?  

As I went through his clothing and things left behind, I found myself going down memory lane.  As I remembered little T my heart was both filled with the greatest joy and the greatest sadness.  

I found myself wondering how I did as a mom.  Pondering the mistakes and shortcomings I myself saw and wondered what he saw.  I became curious how much my actions as his mom, affected who he has become today.  The greatest question I pondered was: did I show him enough how much I love him? 

As I packed up his things I realized how important my kids are to me.  I mean I had a pretty good idea, but on this day it was magnified.  I always want to show up for my kids…no matter where I go,I want them to know how much I care.  I never want them to question if they are loved.

I remember the days before T left for college.  He shared his intention to come home often to visit.   My heart knew the possibility existed that he may not come home as much as he initially thought.  I realize that some kids pull away from family to find themselves. Something in me felt like this would be his situation. In a brief phone call last weekend he expressed his lack of desire to have family visit him or to come home.  Maybe for Thanksgiving he said. I instantly felt sad, this is not the outcome I had wished for.  In this moment I felt broken: heartbroken.  

I was all over his paper with how I must have messed up his vision of family, life and joy.  I felt an intense sense of guilt.  I felt despaired by hurt he may have experienced as a result of my choices.  I wondered how willing I was to be vulnerable with him throughout the years.  I took it personally and forgot to look for evidence of what an amazing human I contributed to. 

I recall how proud I am of the hard work he put into his high school career.  I love how he shows up in the world.  He offers a perspective on life that balances my emotional responses.  He is deep, funny, and wholehearted.  He shows up for people.  He’s a simple man-never asks for much.  A kids who values time and relationship over things.  He never lets me beat him at chess without earning it.  There are no handouts.  He is brave and courageous.  

I will be forever grateful for the trip to Vancouver we enjoyed together!  

To my loved ones who have listened while I cried…offered me comfort and encouragement during this season…Thank you.   

Where there was once intense grief,  I now feel peace.  

Breaking free

I ran into an old co-worker while at the gym today and I had this epiphany...

How we show up in the world affects interactions we have with others.  

Let's go on a little trip back in time to when I first started to notice this..

The year was 2010 and I had a life-changing introduction to fitness-fun-and confidence.  I transformed from a seemingly happy stay at home mom into an independent, confident, fit and fun 30 year old.  As a stay at home mom, I felt invisible to the world around me.

I started to find myself and my interests as an individual.  I was gifted at my abilities to kill it in the workout room.  Lifting...running...cycling...stair climbing... Let's GO!!  I was unstoppable!  One thing became VERY apparent to me; interactions with people I didn't know had changed.  Dramatically.  People sought me out to do things, interactions with others in public were engaging.  People payed attention to the girl of fun-light and confidence they saw.  

At this time I was sure it was because of the change in my physical appearance.  I was fit.  REALLY fit.  In my mind, this was the ONLY explanation for how different interactions with others felt to me.  

As I slowly backed off my investment in my self and my physical wellbeing I quickly noticed the interactions with others had changed as well.  People didn't seek me out....I don't remember being noticed when I went places.  It's like I was invisible again.  Dang...

Let's fast forward to a few months ago.  I ran into a former co-worker from the hospital at the gym.  I remember making eye contact and then I quickly looked away.  I clearly remember mentally making myself disappear beneath my Harry Potter cloak.  Seeing him immediately triggered feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness.  I was just sure he looked at me with judgment.  I definitely know I did.  See...he was at the hospital when my traumatic experience was unfolding.  He saw me at my worst.  

As he walked away I sent him a short text as I realized I wished I had said hello.  That text was never responded to.  As I think back on that day I had expectations of him.  I was seeking validation-approval.  I NEEDED him to remind me I am enough.  Well, that didn't go over well.  

Today, I ran into him at the gym again but the outcome was dramatically different.  This morning, I engaged in rigorous self care and I showed up to the gym as the girl of fun and light that I know myself to be.  Today when we made eye contact I smiled and said hey!  We engaged in light and fun conversation, and then went our own ways.  What was so different about this interaction?  There may have been an element on his page that played a part, but who knows.  What I do know is that I WAS different.  I needed NOTHING from the interaction.  Just a girl saying hey...how are you doing?  Nothing more, nothing less.  

I can't help but believe that how we show up in the world to others affects our interactions.  I no longer believe it is a result of physical appearance.  It's about the heart and the head connection to ourselves.  It's being our own best friend first and foremost.  It's believing in ourselves and our worth.  

It's about engaging in rigorous self care, compassion and forgiveness.  This feels freeing and exhilarating!!

CONTROL and judgment has had my life——but I am breaking free!!