Communication failed Day 1

As January comes to an end I find myself feeling overwhelmed, discouraged, disappointed, and anxious over my inability to accurately communicate my feelings.  I desired to write down what I’m noticing I’m feeling in this immediate space without judgement but open to learn.  Each day I imagine the feelings and emotions may fluctuate as I process this event. 

Yesterday morning I tried to share concern for my partner and I am feeling the very large and impactful negative consequence of that attempt.  The feedback I received was that I lacked compassion and empathy.  The message received was that I was concerned about the impact I was feeling…No regard for what he is going through.  WOW!  I am hurt and shocked to hear this.  This is not at all what I was trying to express.  

Now, I lay alone in my bed with a grandiose sense of uncertainty for my future.  I am feeling overwhelmed with all of the unknowns and how unsettling my relationship feels.  Maybe this is all for the greater good…

This is the motivation for my word choice of the year…

Was the breakdown in communication a result of my word choice…the receiver’s ability to accurately hear me…or both?

I am feeling rattled: this is how and when growth happens 

I am feeling taken aback: I wasn’t expecting the conversation to end with the events that have taken place.  This reminds me how little I really know.

I am feeling punished for sharing my heart: I leaned into my discomfort and I tried my best to communicate.  I didn’t bottle up what I was feeling and that’s a HUGE growth.  I can’t help my partner’s response.  I may have felt similar to him if the roles were switched.  

I am feeling abandoned: I am still here for me and no one knows me and my heart like I do.  I haven’t left.

I am feeling tearful: I’m grateful I don’t feel numbed by this experience because that shows I care.

I am feeling afraid: I am human.  This is hard.  It’s ok to feel afraid.  I will lean on my faith.  God has never forsaken me.  I know he’s working out something amazing for the future.  

Rattled:

Worried or anxious 

The events that have recently taken place have left me feeling rattled. 

Taken aback: 

To surprise or shock

I am taken aback that my words would be perceived as lacking compassion or empathy

Abandoned: 

1. To leave without return

2. Left helpless without protection 

I am feeling like my partner has abandoned me

I am feeling abandoned.

Tearful:

Showing signs that I have been or am about to cry.  

I am feeling tearful when asked about how I’m feeling or the events taking place.

Afraid: 

Emotional reaction to something that feels dangerous or threatening.

I am afraid of what the future entails after yesterday’s traumatic event.

Punished:

To suffer as a result of doing something wrong

I am feeling punished for sharing my heart. 

When learning something new I know I may fall…a lot. 

It’s not the falling that matters but the willingness to continue getting back up.  

The anti-interrupter

As I was contemplating areas of communication in which I can grow and learn I found myself gravitating towards the struggle I have on how to handle people who interrupt me.  I think back on recent experiences when I had something I wanted to share and found myself being cut off of conversation.  I felt dumbfounded.  Literally without the words or actions to remedy my situation.

In the past I have tried things like...Hey, I wasn't done talking.  Or sorry, I haven't finished yet.  Wait...I am apologizing that my listener is interrupting my thought process?  Interesting.  Seems pretty passive.  As I reflect on moments when I have been redirected from my own interrupting, I recall saying to myself "dang, they are serious about this" or "what's their problem".  That's it!  That's the confidence I desire to exhibit in my own conversations.  The respect for myself that I communicate to my listener that I'm worthy of.  

I found a podcast called: The 3 step anti-interruupter by Dan O'Connor

This is a short audio of approx 30 minutes in which he explains what not to do, and more importantly...what TO DO.  He recommends practicing the catch phrases so that they easily slip off your tongue when the moment arises you need to use them.  

What not to do:

Excuse me, I haven't finished yet (sends an unconscious message that you will be a piece of cake to walk over)

Look away and say...hello

What to do:

Lean towards them, make direct eye contact.

Ensure your forehead is the closest thing to them. 

Use a universal stop gesture - let them know you’re not letting this by.  

Use the phrase:

I'm speaking...Keep speaking without stopping

• I’m still speaking
• I have not finished
• I do want to hear everything you want to say, but I want to finish my thoughts first.  

Steamroller-People who just won't stop talking.

To interrupt someone use their name over and over (3 times is the charm)

I was able to try this out on a friend of mine whom is known to interrupt.  My first time seeing her and within moments I found myself with an opportunity to use what I had learned.  

In this situation I was trying to explain something to her and she started over talking and she wouldn’t give me a chance to speak.  So, I didn’t know what to do except to keep repeating ‘are you listening?’  over and over.  While making eye contact and leaning in.  

And…. It worked.  She paused and said…‘yes.’  And she was listening.  

So how did it feel?  …easier than I had expected and pleasantly effective.  

This is a very helpful tool.  

Exuberance

 Well…just like that our Christmas party is finished.  

Overall, I feel everyone had a really good time!  Man, I’m exhausted..all of that fun wore me out!!  

It was a really good mix of people and personalities…nice amount as well.  I feel like any more would have been too many.  -kids definitely bring the energy and laughs!  

Who knew Melvin was a cake artist??? Wowzers, that kid has talent!

The dice game was a hit as always!  I feel like the envelopes are everyone’s favorite part…That and fighting for the candy.  lol This year the awkward hug from Brax was the talk of the party.  

The headless Ken doll Val got was priceless!  …and the fake poop and pregnancy tests were hilarious must-haves! I mustn’t forget the exercise dice cube Chayse brought, that he actually wanted for himself.

The exuberance I felt in the house was very satisfying!  

It seemed like the Minute to Win it games were a hit as well…but maybe too much all in the same night?  We had lots of left over dice game gifts.

I’m feeling grateful the kids were SO helpful with prepping and cleaning!  Maddy even stayed up after the party to help clean the basement!  I didn’t even ask her…SO cool! 

Allan really likes hosting parties…definitely puts a lot into preparing for his dice game…and I like that it’s a game passed down from his family.  Sentimental…😊

Finding freedom

 It’s Friday!!  Woohoo!  Tomorrow is our highly anticipated annual Christmas party!!  A and I put a tremendous amount of planning/time/money into this night and we are both looking forward to it.  

This morning I awoke and found my love still in the bed next to me…so, even though I was awake, and I had a billion things pulling at me, I chose to enjoy the time I had been gifted laying next to him.  It felt nice.  

Last night I received my photos from Shutterfly I had ordered to display in my room.  I was boiling over with anticipation to hang them up and see how they looked….as soon as I was ready for work, I got to work decorating.  I was so engrossed in the moment, that I completely disregarded the sound of my alarm chiming to notify me I need to leave for work.  I just couldn’t find the desire to step away from my current task.  

I was just hanging the last few pictures when I heard Maddy from the kitchen ‘mom, your alarm is going off’.  ‘Come in here and look at what I did’ I exclaimed.  

I turned off the overhead lights and turned on the flashing lights on my picture display.  Immediately I noticed my room felt so warm and full of love….It was breathtaking, peaceful, and beautiful.  This turned out better than I had imagined…I am feeling overjoyed!  

Overall I feel great today… as I sit and observe my thoughts I realize I have a few thoughts I desire freedom from:

Resentment regarding the constant fight I have to face over my parenting rights

Feeling like I’m not accepted or good enough in the eyes of another 

Worry that my faults are being the spotlight of others’ conversations 

Negative self talk regarding my physical appearance 

The control sweets have over me and the crutch they provide to help me cope with my emotions/anxiety/boredom

Credit card debt and my attachment to external things

I find that I can make this list today almost detached from the individual items…. I feel as if I’m writing the list for someone else.  My internal peace of mind is not affected in any way by thinking about what’s on my heart.  This feels like growth for me.  A win for today…I feel free.  

 Thanks God.  

Thank God!!

Time for something lighter...

I emailed my attorney earlier this week asking to receive a phone call for verification...

This weekend S tried to bully me into believing that I had no right to talk to M on his parenting time unless he decided it was acceptable.  So basically, my ability to be there or check on my children was in his control on his days...was this true?

NOOOOOOO!!  My attorney called me today and it took her a minute to review our parenting plan and then she said...'would you like to let S know that this behavior is not ok, or should I reach out to his attorney?' 

I replied 'Go through the court please, I don't feel he respects my voice.'  She confirmed that she would follow up and she needed any documentation I had to show he was withholding my right to talk to my child.  

The second the phone call ended, I was flooded with this intense and overwhelming surprise, praise, relief, gratitude, awe, take that sucka, and joyous sensation.  My whole body was smiling...

I called my sis first thing, and shared the news with her.  Then I started almost uncontrollably crying as I shared the relief I felt.  She expressed she would drive whatever distance she needs to, and enforce violence, if needed, if he ever tries to keep me from being a mom again....lol.  I laughed, I cried, and I thanked her for being there.  What a beautiful moment we got to share together.  

Being a mom is my most cherished and valued job.  I am beyond blessed by my kids over and over.  

Thanks God...I am grateful for this little win today.