Runaway tire

I’ll never forget the day I got the phone call:

I don’t remember the exact details of the call but I do remember the high points.  Sometimes in moments of stress our brains only process certain tidbits of information.  This is what I remember:

Mom…

Tire fell off

Car is in the road..we can’t drive it

Called 911

Tire damaged this guy’s leaf blower…

Police are here

The police man wants to talk to you

…I’m on my way I say.

As I arrive to the scene I get the full story of what happened.  As Jayce and Maddy were navigating home after school the front of the car started making a weird noise…then it went away and all got quiet… (there’s the sign).  

Sometimes quiet is a good thing, other times like this one, it’s not.

As they are driving down Maple street, off flies the tire!  It hits the trailer of a neighboring truck full of professional yard equipment and bounces high enough to clear the two lanes of oncoming traffic and land in a pond across the street.  Yes, this REALLY happened.  

As I pull up, I see the old Honda being slowly driven out of traffic and onto a quiet side street.  We make arrangements for a tow truck and while waiting… realize the tire is still floating in the nearby pond.

I glance over at Madz and ask ‘wanna go fishing for a tire with me?’.  Being a brand new tire that Jayce had purchased just a couple days prior, I couldn’t let it get away.  Without hesitation she’s ALL in!  And off we go..

After about a minute of surveying the water, the tire is spotted.  Luckily it’s only about a quarter mile walk to get to it, and it’s right up against the bank.  This will be easy I think…

Well, think again girlie… 

What I didn’t consider is that tires are heavy, the bank is muddy and there’s little traction.  

I manage to wade down far enough to grab the tire and haul it out with the aid of Madz to pull me up.  The tire is wet, muddy and decently heavy.   Regardless, that doesn’t stop Madz from stepping up to carry the tire to the car. 

Through all of the excitement I forget to update Allan and Ren regarding everything going on and I left them hanging… desperately seeking reassurance that we are doing ok.  I’m grateful for their support during this moment I could NEVER have anticipated!  Their love and humor helped to bring the stress level back down to a healthier level.  

Things I learned. 

Allan and Ren are there no matter what, to lighten the mood with laughter and fun!  

God is always watching out for us!  The Honda was sold to upgrade to something more dependable, and it was learned that a few days after the tire incident the car had a massive leak and it started on fire 🔥 

There are really GOOD humans in the world: Ryan (the guy with the leaf blower) shared his story of how surreal it felt to see a tire flying through the air right for his windshield.  Thankfully, he took the appropriate actions to avoid the tire hitting his truck- did not file a claim, and also made a very generous contribution to help pay for the hundreds of dollars of damage incurred.  

We are raising kids who work hard and NEVER quit…

What’s real here?

Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel yucky?  

I woke up this morning and put on a workout shirt that felt good to wear…

I was excited to take a selfie and confirm how I feel I’m doing on self care…I took a pic and thought “ well that’s weird, I look fat…that can’t really be how I look”.  So I took another from a different angle.  Hmmmm, yup that’s not better.  I’m deleting ALL of these. 

In previous counseling sessions I’ve been told I display symptoms of body dissociative disorder: it’s hard for me to trust how I feel I look in pictures as I know that my perception may be inaccurate.  Basically, my brain lies to me. 

For example:

What I saw in the picture today didn’t match what I felt. 

What I felt- confident, healthy, toned, petite and cute

What I saw- cellulite, lack of tone, 30 pounds heavier than I felt I was (maybe an exaggeration), a girl who isn’t coping well with stress, a girl who is lying to herself about her own reality. 

These dissociative thoughts also work the other way around…when I was REALLY fit and healthy I felt heavy and untoned.  I couldn’t believe the girl I saw in pictures was actually me.  

After seeing a self portrait today I feel gross and disappointed in myself.  How could I possibly still be struggling with my health and wellness?  I know personally how amazing it feels to make healthy choices and manage my anxiety.  I also know all too well how terrible it feels when I don’t…

It’s not so much about the physical aspect, although I wouldn’t mind being fit again, it’s more the way I FEEL when I self care and make healthy choices.  

I have justified my poor choices… I give in to temptation over and over.  I wake up and tell myself, “today is a new day” and then repeat the same choices that leave me feeling gross.  I will eat well for a few days and then right back to eating my feelings of loneliness-boredom-sadness-anxiety.  

In my head I bully myself…

• You look like the girl guys would love to have as a ‘friend’
• You are gross
• Hair up…hair down…it doesn’t matter you’re face is still fat
• …I’m lazy
• You’re failing and the world can see it.  
• Ha…you were a personal trainer?  

(These feelings are incredibly hard to admit to myself and even more so to others…Will I be judged?  Made fun of?  Pitied?  Offered unsolicited advice?…on the contrary will I receive compassion? understanding? respect? encouragement?)  Either way it’s my reality I must face.  

I just want to lay in bed all day today so I can stay in self pity and wonder how to feel validated by the world that I’m enough.  This is exactly why I must get up…wash my face and really think about my choices and how I want to feel at the end of the day.  I am the boss of my day…I get to decide where to put my energy.  

They say you can tell about what matters to a person by what they invest their time in…

I say health and fitness matter to me, but do they really?  Am I acting in alignment with my values and desires?  Nope. 

Feeling yucky is my body’s way of talking to me… what is this feeling telling me?  Let’s get curious!

• I don’t like how I’m showing up to myself.
• I could be managing my emotions and feelings in a healthier way.  
• I am not living in alignment with my values
• I am looking outwardly for motivation to self care...and it isn’t working.  

Gratitude:

1. I threw out the chip dip and Oreos I’ve been binging on.  Surprisingly felt AMAZING to waste them (I was NEVER allowed to waste food growing up)!  
2. I am honestly journaling my feelings and feeling less depressed and more motivated by doing so. 
3. I am able to fit into my beloved workout shirt

That’s all I’ve got for now.  Some time at the gym will be a good replacement for unhealthy food to boost my yucky mood today.  

Self affirmation:

“Most people will live their lives giving themselves excuses for why they didn’t do the thing.  Don’t be most people.”

Daily affirmations-Instagram

L-H= S

Looking in is painful.  So much so, I don’t want to do it.  I have spent most of my life in a happy bubble… unaware of the benefits of looking within.  

I’ve had traumas…and I’ve been on a journey to find healing.

  

I see now how I feel shame at times.  

Most days I am a girl full of light…hope…love…laughter.  Authentically happy to my core.  

When I have an off day…I struggle to offer grace to myself.  

Today was one of those days.  I woke up and tears filled my eyes.  I instantly became curious…what’s going on dear child?

I have been silently struggling with hope.  I say ‘silently’ because I am just starting to realize it.  Once I realized I was low on hope, I took it hard.  ‘I don’t want to feel this way I prayed’

L (life) - H (hope) = S (shame)

I judge myself in these moments or dismiss the truth.  Why?  

I feel ‘bad’ at my core for the loss of hope.  Or so it seems.

My light is my gift to the world… my mom has seen this in me since I was very little.  I’m scared I will allow life to snuff this gift.  

Sometimes the world feels harsh… mean…scary...and unforgiving. 

However; The world is also bold…beautiful…light…magical!  

I love how Allan describes his recent hike.  It creates a visual for me of the hard days in life and the beauty that’s beyond our understanding.  

“There it was,

 I was about to reach the top of this hike

 before going over the edge

 and eventually heading down to Ten Lakes. 

 All I could see above the top of the ridge was blue sky.

  I knew it was coming…

I knew I would see something amazing in just minutes.”

(A. Coon 2023)

Today, I remind myself that the gorgeous view is coming…just keep moving.  One foot in front of the other. 

Grace- acceptance- love- compassion 

Maybe in the past I withheld these from myself…but I can offer them freely today.  

As I lay my head down on the pillow I am proud that I leaned in to the day despite how I felt.  The day was filled with so many beautiful moments: 

• Connections with those I love so dearly
• Time outdoors walking with a friend
• Unexpected generosity from a stranger
• Going out of my way to clean up dog poop 
• Sharing gratitudes with Maddy on the way home. 

From hope-shame, to love, blessings and connection, all in a days work.  

In the moment of despair it can be grueling to reach out for connection…at least for me it is.  It took an intense amount of energy to text a friend- ‘any chance you could walk?’.  Instead , I wanted to bury my head and hide my struggles from those around me.  I have spent my lifetime perfecting this poor coping skill.  

Today is different 

Today I can make healthier choices

Today I can let others in when my world feels dark

Today I can give back and show up for those around me.

As an adult I’m learning to appreciate the wide array of emotions and what each one has to teach me.  

L - H = S…

I could benefit from changing my self talk and affirmations.  

I could benefit from these affirmations:

1. It’s ok to have an off day
2. I’m allowed to experience some setbacks
3. Today I am capable of doing difficult things

Thanks to my amazing loved ones who care enough to help me through the toughest times…

Today I can rewrite my equation

L (life) - H (hope) = O (opportunity)

More than a phrase, a feeling

The gift of kindness, love and acceptance.  I cherish feeling this way.  I have been my own biggest barrier to achieving this level of happiness within myself.  

Deep down doesn’t every girl want to be told she’s beautiful?  Most of my life I have dreamed of being pretty.  I could easily see qualities about myself that were favorable; like my big heart- my playful nature- my generous spirit- my faith, but I never felt physically attractive or pretty.  I desperately wanted to feel validated physically.  

Over the last many years Allan has encouraged me to love myself for the most authentic reasons.  For the gifts that make me…me.  I used to scoff at this idea.  Who really cares if I’m fun, generous, and loyal…. Don’t all guys want a hot girlfriend?  

In time I have come to see the blessing of compliments that speak to who I am at my core.  This is true beauty.  This is the girl I strive to become, one who sees the whole package of gifts.  One whose smiles lights up the room.

The other night, I received a compliment from a loved one that was completely unexpected, and very much appreciated.

See, I was in a moment where I felt confident and good about myself.  I needed for nothing.  On this day the sun had made its warming presence, and my skin soaked it up.  I set boundaries to protect time for self-care but also had connections with my loved ones.  My cups felt full, I’m happy.  Deep down inside, I’m truly fulfilled.  

Then out of nowhere comes this comment.  It was simple, wholehearted and felt non-rehearsed.  

You are pretty

I carry with me a long list of reasons to refute this:

• My hair is messy
• My face looks fat
• I haven’t flossed my teeth
• I have a weird smile
• I have visible facial imperfections 

Typically, my head would repeat many thoughts from my list of imperfections that would disqualify me from what was said.  I would use my skills of invalidating the compliment - deflecting the attention or laughing at the idea of the truth behind it.  

How I responded not only caught me off guard, but it also helped me to see some growth in my skills.   

I received graciously!  I said “thank you”!

These words felt deeper than…”Hey you look great”… Despite my internal perception of flaws, after hearing these words I felt loved and accepted.  This one random comment left me feeling lifted, confident and proud of my growth.  

This got me thinking about the words I say.  How often might my words have a similar impact on someone else?  We never know what people are truly going through, or how messages are received.  I strive to be more intentional to pass on the message of love and acceptance I felt today. 

Thanks God for putting a win in this skill bucket! Thank you for allowing me to accept someone's gift of kindness to me.  Open my eyes to opportunities to pay this forward. 

Deep down every girl wants to feel pretty.  

Disciplined in the making

As I think about areas of my life that I can work on the one that comes to my mind most is the thought of acting in a self disciplined way.  

Mind tools.com explains self discipline as:

“the ability to push yourself forward, stay motivated, and take action, regardless of how you're feeling, physically or emotionally. You're showing it when you intentionally choose to pursue something better for yourself, and you do it in spite of factors such as distractions, hard work, or unfavorable odds.”

Far too often my feelings dictate my actions.  I feel…I react.   I have strayed so far from a disciplined diet and way of life…I validate my poor choices and then I complain that ‘I can’t lose weight’ for example.  

I notice how I easily get caught up ‘doing what I want’.  This comes with a cost that feels unfavorable.  In the moment when I have a choice I just react.  

For example: Just the other night I was feeling tired- sad- bored.  How did I react?  I ate a whole row of Oreos- 2 servings of Doritos and a bowl of cereal.  Then I proceeded to pass out during my long distance ‘movie time’ with my sis.  

How did I feel afterwards? 

• Unattractive, guilty, regretful, weak.

How do I want to feel?

• Strong, disciplined, proud, healthy

Here’s my public commitment:

• 30 days tracking my foods and activities in Lose it.
• 2 Positive affirmations every morning upon waking.
• 5:2 fasting plan (5 days of normal meals…2 days of fasting eating only 1 meal <500 calories)

Will this be hard?  Yes, but I don’t want a life that is easy and doesn’t challenge me.  

My journey back to healthy eating will require a tremendous amount of willingness and self discipline.  Let’s go!!!

While backsliding is part of my human-ness- I am grateful for the awareness to take actions that ‘FEEL’ better!  I’m excited to choose an increased awareness and greater actions of self- discipline.  

I set my eyes to vision how I’m going to feel on the backside of this… At the end of 30 days (Nov 12th) I see myself feeling confident and disciplined.  This feels good!   

Getting lost

If you know me very well, you know it doesn’t take much for me to get lost.  This time is different than the previous times.   This time I am choosing to get lost…

Yesterday morning I excitedly ventured off to go for a hike on a nearby trail system that includes horse trails and lots of tall grasses and weeds.  In the past while trekking through this area I would return home covered in ticks and chigger bites.  

Today, I am testing out my insect shield treated clothing…using no additional bug spray for protection.   Let’s see if this stuff works!!  

Surprisingly I’m not even nervous- I feel very confident in this company’s bug treatment.  I am wearing tall socks tucked under the cuffs of my lightweight hiking pants.  Both items treated with Permethrin.  

Today I decide to let Oaks lead the way.  Wherever his nose directs us, I will follow.  It was a really fun journey getting lost together!  

After over an hour of wandering, I get a phone call from Jayce asking when we’ll be home to make breakfast as promised, because he’s getting hungry… that’s when I realize… I’m lost.  We are on a horse trail somewhere and all I see is a field on one side of me and a forest area on the other side.  

This reminds me of those moments in life where there is no plan…where we get so engrossed in the moment we get ‘lost’.  I love and cherish these moments for the freedom that accompanies it.  

C’mon, let’s get off the radar and get lost together!

Conflicted

I was so conflicted 

I was daddy’s girl- he spoiled and loved me

Then I saw this other side of him and it scared me.  I wanted the pain, fear and hurt to stop.  In the moments there was heightened stress and anger I didn’t know what to do.  In those moments I wished he would die.  In those moments I hated him.  

But I loved how I felt he showed up to me…teaching me- laughing with me- trusting me- loving me….

My heart was conflicted and hurt 

How could I wish such a horrible thought?  

I see how, just for today, I need to stay on my own page…time to get off of everyone else’s.  I have a part to own.  My thoughts and actions did not align with my values.  I need to own this…I need to apologize to my dad. 

It’s so easy to be all about other people and what they should’ve and shouldn’t have done.  There is no healing or power in this frame of mind.  My healing will be found through honest self reflection and living a life today that makes ME proud of how I am showing up.  

I WAS so conflicted, but I’m not anymore.  I’m glad my daddy didn’t die.  I’m glad I get the opportunity to apologize, forgive and heal.  

Wow!

I fall asleep soon after creating the painful purpose blog and awaken to the sound of my phone chirping the tone of a text message coming through. 

As I lay in bed allowing myself to awaken a little bit more, I realize that maybe through the eyes of a child my experience was traumatizing, but maybe…just maybe I was overly sensitive just like the situation at Walmart.  

I don’t mean that moments didn’t happen that felt scary and out of control, but maybe it was magnified through my scared lenses.  Perhaps there weren’t as MANY moments of trauma as it seems.  

Then I look at my phone and see a text from my dad…saying good morning 🌞…I very rarely get anything from him so this has to be from God.  

WOW!!

Painful purpose

Painful purpose.  

The other day while in the self check out at Walmart, there was a family of 3 at the register in front of Maddy and I.  It looked like a mom-dad-and 3ish year old boy.  The family was dirty and disheveled.  The boy was crying...a lot…sitting in the front of the cart.  The dad kept telling him to shut up and then after a few minutes of continued crying, he slapped the boy ‘hard’ in the mouth.  I was instantly trauma triggered.  

Strong feelings surfaced immediately and I felt myself freeze up.  I was probably staring with a horrified look on my face.  

I realize that I have a tendency to overreact and have an extreme response that most may not, to situations involving correction.  While slapping someone on the mouth may not have been ideal- it doesn’t mean it’s going to turn into abuse.  

I'm struggling opening the door to understanding what I was feeling and what I felt afraid of, but this is my attempt to try. 

I can relate to this situation as a parent.  I remember slapping one of my own kids in the mouth when they were about that age.  I recall I was grasping for some sort of control over the situation.  I also remember feeling so terrible about it I never let myself get to that point again, but I still went there once.

When I saw that situation at Walmart, my hero instinct kicked in, I wanted to step in and help rescue the boy.  My empath nature kicked into overdrive as I put myself in his shoes and imagined the fear and sadness he was feeling.  My fear also kicked in and I didn’t know what to say or how to respond.  Just like when I was a kid.  I chose to look the other way.  Dang…

I have never been the victim of physical abuse…in fact, I was just the opposite…I rarely got reprimanded for anything.  However; I witnessed physical and emotional abuse.  The guilt of not being able to help stop it and the neurological effects continue to impact me.  I definitely still struggle with feeling responsible for not helping more, or standing up.  I see how I was self ‘trained’ to pretend nothing was happening.  I would seek shelter in my room and ‘mind my own business’.  At least this is my memory.  

 I still feel like I struggle with knowing when and how to speak up.  So, I Googled to find a few ways I could respond. I found some possible suggestions that feel in line with my values and feel like something I would actually say.  

“I remember when my children were that age. They can be a handful. Do you need any help?”

“Hey, I don’t mean to get into your business or tell you how to parent, but I noticed that…”

I was and still act like a coward.  Yes, I chose to selfishly hide in my room instead of standing up for what was right.  I remember laying in my room praying that this abuser…my dad…would die.  Please God take him away- I would repeat.  Yep, this was my repeated prayer.    How awful that feels today.  

Wait…I was a CHILD…where is my grace for myself?   I definitely didn’t have the tools or support to stand up to an angry adult, grown man.  I offer more grace and protection for the abuser than I do for child me.  Interesting…

I realize that healing may not come until I face my fears, and lean into the discomfort of talking to my dad about this.  What would be the purpose of this conversation and what would I hope to get from it?  

Yep…not ready for that.  Closing the door again…for now. 

I trust God has a purpose for this pain I’m experiencing…if I stay open and willing to look within there is something beautiful in the making.  God can use this pain to develop me and better myself.

I’m grateful:

• I am courageously willing to crack this door and peek inside 
• I curiously explore the possible effects this has had on me in the long term
• I am willing to try a different approach 
• I am willing to forgive as many times as necessary 
• I am showing vulnerability

Whatever the painful purpose is of these memories resurfacing I trust it will be revealed to me in time.  I AM and will be OK.  

Hello Fall…I’ve been awaiting your presence

Last week I was cranking the AC and sweating in my britches….

Today I find myself in a beanie hat…thermal under my t-shirt and wearing fleece lined pants and still feeling chilly…

The shift has occurred…Fall has arrived.  The leaves have started to change colors, and there is a crisp nip in the early morning air.  

The nights are so beautifully dark…and the sun sleeps in a bit longer each morning…and so do I!  lol

Now that Fall has arrived, I’m happy to announce: It’s time for pumpkin Everything!!!

• Pumpkin French toast
• Pumpkin spice lattes 
• Pumpkin pudding 
• Pumpkin pie

Tanya’s soup kitchen and time in quaint cafes to journal are high on my rigorous self care list!

…. And the best part of Fall is that the joy of Christmas is within reach.  Yep…Christmas is coming!!!

Just like that, the scorching heat has subsided and we welcome the opportunity to embrace the lovely cooler, sweater weather season.  

Hello Fall!!  I’ve been awaiting your presence!

Like a splinter

Like removing a splinter…Staind pulls the trauma out of me and it’s soothing. 

Every life trauma leaves a behind a trace…engraved into the subconscious.  Sometimes our senses pick up on a sight, sound, smell, taste or feeling that brings us back to a previous moment of pain.  

I’ve been obsessed over Staind’s new album.  I swear every song speaks to me in some way.  His voice, and lyrics tap into a part of me that screams ‘I hear your pain…I get you.  You’re not alone in how you feeI’.  

There have been several moments these songs have brought me to tears.  As I listen to the combination of lyrics, pitch, tone and background music I feel so entirely connected.  It’s like with each word he pulls a trauma memory from the depth of my soul and releases it…

As the memory passes through, the pain is relived and the hurt feels incredibly intense….but then it is released and there is a sense of peace.  This peace is soothing.  

Kinda like having a splinter removed.  The pain of digging it out is SO real, but as the foreign body is pulled out, there is a soothing release.  

I can…no wait… I AM doing it

So, here’s a little confession of mine.  I am a flawed human.  

My own personal insecurities and lack of confidence showed up as insecurities in my relationships and doubts in my partners ability to be loyal.

I have really been working hard to invest in some personal growth.  My intention is to learn how to get back to being the girl of fun and light I am!  To be lighthearted, grateful and confident in my relationships.   

To this day I couldn’t be more thankful for the process of becoming the girl I love so dearly again.  

Recently, I was made aware of how some of the choices in my relationships were actually disrespectful.  I’ve been investing in understanding how to manage myself and respect others to do the same for themselves.

Today was groundbreaking in how my efforts are unfolding.  Today, I showed up confident, trusting and respectful!  It was not only noticed, but intensely appreciated and affirmed.  

I repeat…INTENSELY recognized and affirmed.  

This feels surreal.  I thought my insecurities were a behavior of mine that I would never be able to personally overcome.  I was wrong.  

I can…no wait, I AM overcoming personal fears and behaviors that hindered me from being my best self!

Out of time?

As I get older I am really starting to reflect on my life and  what I do with my time.  Am I running out of time?

I recently heard a theory that challenges the work life balance.   It discussed how much time we spend at work…or thinking about work in a typical years span.  

I took some time to break this theory down in my own life…

There are 24 hours in a day…7 days in a week…4 weeks in a month…12 months in a year.  

 On a typical work day I will spend: 

• 10 hours at work
• 8 hours sleeping
• 1-2 hours preparing for my day at work (laundry, food prep, thinking about things I need to do)
• 1 hour driving

This leaves approximately 3 hours a day for other things.  

If I do this 4 or 5 days a week that leaves 2-3 days for other things.  Some of this time non-work time is spent recuperating from the weeks’ work or planning/preparing for the upcoming week. 

This continues, week after week, unless I take vacation which typically will equate to 10-15 days a year.

Rinse and repeat. 

I see how the majority of my time and energy will be invested into my job, whether I'm actually working or not.  

Time to truly be present for myself, those I care about, my hobbies and contributions to a greater purpose will mostly take the backseat.  This doesn't feel like a satisfying way to spend my precious time.  There's just got to be a better way! 

In my recent past, I worked at a non-profit where overtime was not allowed.  We were given 'mental health’ days off (with pay) to do something outside of work.  Vacation time, sick time, paid holidays were generously offered.  When at work, I worked hard, but I had lots of availability to be anywhere except work.  My hours were flexible and could be adjusted to meet my schedule.  The people I worked with were some of the happiest and most generous I have ever worked with.  

In a way this job ‘forced’ me to limit the amount of  energy I invested into it. By default, I can so easily get caught up in tasks.

During my time there, I was able to put my energy into giving back and showing up for others.  This is what makes life feel worth it!

Did this company only hire happy and balanced people? Or was it a result of the investment into the 'life' side of the scale?

I've been squirreling around this concept of my current work-life balance for a few days.   Living to work has never been appealing to me.  How could I practice being more available for life?  What would that look like?

I know there’s no promise for what tomorrow will bring.  I don’t want to live to exist…but rather; I want to have lived a life I’m proud of.  

“Don’t wanna fade off into the distance…Am I out of time?” (Staind- Out of time 2023)

Fawning response

I am intrigued by the feeling of loneliness that surfaces from time to time.  Yesterday was one of those days so I stayed BUSY with tasks so I didn’t have to feel and I could distract myself. 

As an adult there are some days my soul is yearning for something, something it's not getting, and I feel lonely.  No, not lonely…I feel alone.    This is one of the most dreaded feelings.  It's like the world is rotating with engaged and happy people and I am alone and sad.  

I didn't have a lot of friends as a youth.  I struggled with anxiety, comparison, judgment, and fear.  Most of all, I wasn't vulnerable.  I learned to become a sponge and show up however I felt people wanted me to be.  Never really willing to just let my hair down and be myself.  If they were happy with how I showed up, then I’m a good person and I'm happy. 

Growing up I spent a lot of time alone...and if you ask me how my childhood was, I would say it was amazing!   Could there be something else going on?

Just a few days ago I was blogging about how MANY people showed up in my corner.  How I really felt supported by the community around me.  What happened?  

Two words: people pleasing or rather...check out the idea of the fawning trauma response.  

When "fawning" a person will do whatever they can to avoid conflict. This idea was first coined by Pete Walker, M.A., MFT.  Fawning is a trauma response in which people merge with the wishes, needs, and demands of others as a means to safety.  

I have been giving the power of self-validation to those around of me.  Some individuals do not approve of me or my decisions and they make it their duty to let me and others know.   They are emotional bullies…and I think that if they are pleased with me THEN I am valuable.  Like I am only worthy of conditional love. 

If not, well…

I genuinely care how I show up to others.  I care about my character and actions, and how they affect others.  Sometimes I look for evidence that negative opinions voiced about me are true. Yesterday was one of these days.

YUCK.  What an awful way to treat myself.  

I’ve heard so many times from so many people that you just can’t please everyone.  When will I accept this truth?  

Time to shift my focus on rigorous self-care AND looking for evidence in those that DO care, accept and love me.  

As I’m walking Oaks through the park, we see two squirrels conversing in the middle of the path.  I pause…look Oakley square in the eye and ask if he’s ready to chase some squirrels.  See, every time we walk he tries his best to charge after squirrels and I put the brakes on and keep him close.  Not today…today we are going to let loose. 

I observe how his body eagerly wiggles with excitement, his ears perk up and his tail points straight out to help guide his charge ahead...he’s ready!  

I plant my feet into a staggered running stance and OFF we go!  Oaks is on mission and I am laughing and smiling out loud.  Yea, this feels good.  I LOVE nature and I love playing and laughing.  My soul feels less heavy now.  

Those individuals who don’t approve of me or my choices are still there in their circle of resentment- but today I am joyful. Despite it all, I found my own joy today, and this feels good!