Looking in is painful. So much so, I don’t want to do it. I have spent most of my life in a happy bubble… unaware of the benefits of looking within.
I’ve had traumas…and I’ve been on a journey to find healing.
I see now how I feel shame at times.
Most days I am a girl full of light…hope…love…laughter. Authentically happy to my core.
When I have an off day…I struggle to offer grace to myself.
Today was one of those days. I woke up and tears filled my eyes. I instantly became curious…what’s going on dear child?
I have been silently struggling with hope. I say ‘silently’ because I am just starting to realize it. Once I realized I was low on hope, I took it hard. ‘I don’t want to feel this way I prayed’
L (life) - H (hope) = S (shame)
I judge myself in these moments or dismiss the truth. Why?
I feel ‘bad’ at my core for the loss of hope. Or so it seems.
My light is my gift to the world… my mom has seen this in me since I was very little. I’m scared I will allow life to snuff this gift.
Sometimes the world feels harsh… mean…scary...and unforgiving.
However; The world is also bold…beautiful…light…magical!
I love how Allan describes his recent hike. It creates a visual for me of the hard days in life and the beauty that’s beyond our understanding.
“There it was,
I was about to reach the top of this hike
before going over the edge
and eventually heading down to Ten Lakes.
All I could see above the top of the ridge was blue sky.
I knew it was coming…
I knew I would see something amazing in just minutes.”
(A. Coon 2023)
Today, I remind myself that the gorgeous view is coming…just keep moving. One foot in front of the other.
Grace- acceptance- love- compassion
Maybe in the past I withheld these from myself…but I can offer them freely today.
As I lay my head down on the pillow I am proud that I leaned in to the day despite how I felt. The day was filled with so many beautiful moments:
- Connections with those I love so dearly
- Time outdoors walking with a friend
- Unexpected generosity from a stranger
- Going out of my way to clean up dog poop
- Sharing gratitudes with Maddy on the way home.
From hope-shame, to love, blessings and connection, all in a days work.
In the moment of despair it can be grueling to reach out for connection…at least for me it is. It took an intense amount of energy to text a friend- ‘any chance you could walk?’. Instead , I wanted to bury my head and hide my struggles from those around me. I have spent my lifetime perfecting this poor coping skill.
Today is different
Today I can make healthier choices
Today I can let others in when my world feels dark
Today I can give back and show up for those around me.
As an adult I’m learning to appreciate the wide array of emotions and what each one has to teach me.
L - H = S…
I could benefit from changing my self talk and affirmations.
I could benefit from these affirmations:
- It’s ok to have an off day
- I’m allowed to experience some setbacks
- Today I am capable of doing difficult things
Thanks to my amazing loved ones who care enough to help me through the toughest times…
Today I can rewrite my equation
L (life) - H (hope) = O (opportunity)
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