What’s real here?

Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel yucky?  

I woke up this morning and put on a workout shirt that felt good to wear…

I was excited to take a selfie and confirm how I feel I’m doing on self care…I took a pic and thought “ well that’s weird, I look fat…that can’t really be how I look”.  So I took another from a different angle.  Hmmmm, yup that’s not better.  I’m deleting ALL of these. 

In previous counseling sessions I’ve been told I display symptoms of body dissociative disorder: it’s hard for me to trust how I feel I look in pictures as I know that my perception may be inaccurate.  Basically, my brain lies to me. 

For example:

What I saw in the picture today didn’t match what I felt. 

What I felt- confident, healthy, toned, petite and cute

What I saw- cellulite, lack of tone, 30 pounds heavier than I felt I was (maybe an exaggeration), a girl who isn’t coping well with stress, a girl who is lying to herself about her own reality. 

These dissociative thoughts also work the other way around…when I was REALLY fit and healthy I felt heavy and untoned.  I couldn’t believe the girl I saw in pictures was actually me.  

After seeing a self portrait today I feel gross and disappointed in myself.  How could I possibly still be struggling with my health and wellness?  I know personally how amazing it feels to make healthy choices and manage my anxiety.  I also know all too well how terrible it feels when I don’t…

It’s not so much about the physical aspect, although I wouldn’t mind being fit again, it’s more the way I FEEL when I self care and make healthy choices.  

I have justified my poor choices… I give in to temptation over and over.  I wake up and tell myself, “today is a new day” and then repeat the same choices that leave me feeling gross.  I will eat well for a few days and then right back to eating my feelings of loneliness-boredom-sadness-anxiety.  

In my head I bully myself…

• You look like the girl guys would love to have as a ‘friend’
• You are gross
• Hair up…hair down…it doesn’t matter you’re face is still fat
• …I’m lazy
• You’re failing and the world can see it.  
• Ha…you were a personal trainer?  

(These feelings are incredibly hard to admit to myself and even more so to others…Will I be judged?  Made fun of?  Pitied?  Offered unsolicited advice?…on the contrary will I receive compassion? understanding? respect? encouragement?)  Either way it’s my reality I must face.  

I just want to lay in bed all day today so I can stay in self pity and wonder how to feel validated by the world that I’m enough.  This is exactly why I must get up…wash my face and really think about my choices and how I want to feel at the end of the day.  I am the boss of my day…I get to decide where to put my energy.  

They say you can tell about what matters to a person by what they invest their time in…

I say health and fitness matter to me, but do they really?  Am I acting in alignment with my values and desires?  Nope. 

Feeling yucky is my body’s way of talking to me… what is this feeling telling me?  Let’s get curious!

• I don’t like how I’m showing up to myself.
• I could be managing my emotions and feelings in a healthier way.  
• I am not living in alignment with my values
• I am looking outwardly for motivation to self care...and it isn’t working.  

Gratitude:

1. I threw out the chip dip and Oreos I’ve been binging on.  Surprisingly felt AMAZING to waste them (I was NEVER allowed to waste food growing up)!  
2. I am honestly journaling my feelings and feeling less depressed and more motivated by doing so. 
3. I am able to fit into my beloved workout shirt

That’s all I’ve got for now.  Some time at the gym will be a good replacement for unhealthy food to boost my yucky mood today.  

Self affirmation:

“Most people will live their lives giving themselves excuses for why they didn’t do the thing.  Don’t be most people.”

Daily affirmations-Instagram