Happy little couch session

 I had counseling today right after work and I was curious to understand her perspective on my emotional experience this past week.  I was not expecting the perspective she shared but once she shared her thoughts I heard myself speak aloud...Ohhh, wow.   

She shared that sometimes insecurities are not due to insecurities at all…but a misrepresentation of an underlying emotion.  She felt that due to what I had previously shared with her that what I was most likely experiencing abandonment.  

I swallowed hard as I tried to understand her explain this to me.  I know I often deal with feelings of abandonment, but I never thought that’s what led to my breakdown. 

So, deep down inside I’m afraid A will leave me? I bravely asked.  Not sure if I was really ready to hear her response….

On the contrary she stated….

Ohhh…that hit me hard.  Is it possible I’m not afraid of being left as much as I’m afraid I will leave?  Why would I self sabotage something so wonderful?  Deep down I don’t feel worthy she suggested…ewwww.  

Then I felt a sense of relief and hope set in.  Abandonment issues feels like something within my reach to heal and work through easier than the thought of jealousy...in fact I find myself curious.  Where, when, and how did this begin for me? What is going on today that is bringing this to the surface to challenge my inner thoughts?

Now I'm feeling curious. Meeeeoooowww....lol

My therapist encouraged me to reflect back on Saturday and how I was feeling prior to watching the home video. What headspace was I already in and what things were heavy on my heart?  What was really going on in Mandaville?

• Connecting with my sister and carrying the burden of managing everyone in the family's feelings…
• Feeling like it’s my job to bring my family together to accept my sister.  
• The emotions behind T preparing for his college chapter.
• Managing finding a new to ‘us’ vehicle as my cheap Jeep died unexpectedly.
• Missing time spent with J.
• Feeling grief that I can't locate videos of the kids when they were little-disappointed in myself that I didn't take the memories with me when I moved out. 

At the end of the session I felt a huge sense of relief, hope and curiosity.  

Now I can see that I have not been investing the time and space into healing my abandonment feelings and it has resurfaced.  It's time to invest in my inner child again.