WOTY

Resilience 

Psychologists define resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress.

Resilience involves behaviors, thoughts and beliefs that can be developed in anyone.  

The goal of being resilient is to move away from perfectionism.  Hmmmm…I never understood my challenges as a desire to seek perfection, but it makes sense.  

• Competence in the face of stress
• Positive outcomes despite high-risk status
• Adapting to trauma 
• Using challenges for growth to make future hardships more manageable.  

One pneumonic used to strategize resilience is S.A.V.E.S

Social connection-isolation is toxic.  

Surround myself with resilient role models- (someone who overcomes challenges every day).

How can I engage in my community?

What is an activity I can do to foster confidence?

What hobbies would I like to pursue?

Attitude- 

Permanent-remember this moment/season will change.  The Chinese Farmer story is a good reference that we never really know what’s best.  

Pervasiveness- shift focus to positive thoughts and let those thoughts grow.  What we focus on grows.

Personalization- opening up to the broader context

How can I incorporate gratitude?

What mindset/actions can help me foster a growth perspective?  

Values

Finding something we hold onto when the storms are beating against us. 

Balancing the idea that we are unique and special with humility.  

What traits do I value?

What makes me unique?

Emotional-acceptance 

We think we have to change uncomfortable emotions.  

Creative hopelessness.

Accept what is.

Get curious about emotions - what are they telling me?

What does it look like to voice emotions without ‘needing fixed’?

Learn to self soothe- what actions feel comforting?

Silliness-

Laugh at myself!

Don’t take myself or life so seriously!

Have fun!!  

What things help me to feel childlike?  

What blocks me from feeling free to be silly? 

The one thing in life I can be certain of is that change is inevitable.  Life will always be presenting itself to me, and in some ways that I do not agree with, or want to participate in.  Taking care of myself in ways that build resilience will help me manage these seasons with a touch of grace.  

Over again

On my weekly indoor stair climbing routine, I find the prompting for this journal topic today…

As I struggle to pick my feet up, and find myself covered in sweat, I continue going up.  My lungs desperately seek the replenishment of oxygen as my brain lights up with the increase in blood flow.  

I am listening to Mike Shinoda sing the words to the song ‘Over again’, and I think of the hang ups, events, things and people I have said goodbye to over the years.

I realize that there’s a part of me that ‘holds’ on, even though I have said goodbye.  Today, I find peace in the awareness that sometimes we need to say goodbye over, and over again. 

Holding on feels like a safe place to stay, but in reality the goodbye is where peace is found.  With the closure comes an open door for a new opportunity.   So, without judgment, I allow myself to say goodbye over and over again until peace is restored.  

This is MY journey and I’m so in love with it!  💕

Winter solstice

Winter solstice: The symbolic death and rebirth of the sun 

Finding the beauty in the season.

The cold, dark, isolated days of this season has brought me anything but joy over the years.  It was once recommended that I may struggled with SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and light therapy might help me feel better.  I can get that down…

This year I see the season through a different lens…through a lens of gratitude.  

I find gratitude for the ‘forced’ slowdown.  Days when it’s just too cold to want to leave the house.  

What winter solstice looks to me now is:

• Snuggly blankets
• Extended journaling sessions
• Sweaters and hoodies
• Fuzzy Hats
• Cold, crisp winter air
• A quieter and more peaceful feeling to the outside world
• Sledding
• Snow
• Bubble baths
• Hot cocoa!!!  
• All things Christmas 💕

As my perspective on this season changes, I find great joy in this time of year.  

Winter solstice…I’m grateful for you!

The color pink

To my favorite littlest leech,

You requested that I blog about you and you even suggested that I include the picture of the pasta that you made for me.  It was yummy at that too, and well worth a blog!  You have a gift for food presentation that looks too pretty to eat sometimes!  

When I think of the beautiful young lady you’re becoming I think about the color pink…

Pink has many meanings that fit the gifts you share with the world.  

Unconditional love - the kind of love that sees you through the hard times with a gentle helping of grace.  You may get frustrated, annoyed, hurt or disappointed, but I know you'll always continue to love. 

Compassion- Have a bad day, you're the person I'd want to talk to.  You are so loving and you take time to really show others how much you care.  This isn't something that can be taught, it's just something that you have or you don't.  

Playfulness- the color pink resembles a connection to one’s inner child.  I wish for you that you never grow up....your childlike spirit is contagious!  I love cruising around at night with you when the nighttime weather is warm, windows are down and we sing to our favorite songs at the top of our lungs as the wind blows our hair around.  

Sense of humor- you have a great sense of humor!  You laugh at my bad jokes.  You laugh at my ‘speed ahead’ dark humor.  You make crazy sounds with Sprite challenge laughs!  You are so funny!   You just laugh, a lot, and I cherish hearing the sound of your joy.  

What was said to the rose that made it open?

Something invisible, non-dual opens the roses.  There is no scientist that can figure out what it is, where it is, how it works and it's in every one of us.

I love you now and forever Madeline Rose! 🌹 

Finding joy in acceptance

Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. 

As I walked into my weekly Celebrating Recovery meeting, I felt a sense of peace, belonging and acceptance.  I was excited to be here.  

Tonight large group sat in the gym, as the sanctuary was being used to practice for the upcoming Christmas performance.  There were about 4 rows of seats compacted together in front of a makeshift stage, with a Karaoke machine set up for sound.  

I found a seat in the middle of the row, two rows back.  It wasn’t long before I was surrounded by people on both sides of me.  I felt secure and grateful for the feeling of intimacy that came with the smaller setup.  This was my place, I felt happy.  

As they began singing the worship songs I was excited that I actually recognized one of them.  I enjoyed singing along.  

Tonight was a graduation for a step study group of men who shared their testimonies.  Many cried as they recalled how unmanageable their lives had become before they let the light of God take their burdens. I found this experience so moving.  

As we made our way to small group I still found myself smiling and peaceful.  I started as I always do…Hi, I’m Amanda, and I struggle with codependency, anxiety, fear, insecurities, depression and unresolved trauma.  

Tonight, I shared that my life became so dark this year, that at one point I remember crying out; “God, if you take one more person away from me, I’m done with you.”  This is the moment my life became unmanageable.  The moment I decided to do life alone, without a savior.  

Then I shared how I feel that God saw a part of me that I was unwilling to trust him to manage.  My fear of being alone.  Because he LOVES me, he let me sit in that feeling-with open arms awaiting me to look to him for healing.  See, I realize how I have been caught with this hang up and it’s holding me back from being my best self. 

As I shared, the group listened so intently, and I felt the holy spirit’s presence.  He was amongst us.  I shared my desire to find a group that offers a 12 step program so I can continue in my healing journey.  I wasn’t expecting approval from anyone, I’m ready to own my own life.  

As I walked out of the meeting I felt excited for the next one.  I still had a smile on that was SO big!  I have found acceptance to my hangup, and I know freedom is on the other side!  

This really is a beautiful life! 

Boxes to check

 

Yep…Vancouver has an extra space, and I left it imperfect.  Now I call this place my little secret.  lol

This list of goals is the first thing I place my sights on as I awake…my personal checklist of fun and frills! 💕

As 2023 comes to an end, I reflect upon the highs and lows the year brought.  Without the lows there’s no doubt that I would not have leaned into lessons for personal growth.  The wins are what kept my head above water.  

God has this journey so perfectly orchestrated for me. He sees areas where I have stubbornly resisted growth and he allows me to fall into them face first.  I imagine God says: “Oh, you don’t like feeling insecure…here sit in that feeling for a while…Because I want you to trust me with the hardest feelings…because I love you and I KNOW what’s best for you.”  

This last year the greatest fear I have had to lean into is the fear of being alone.  Finding peace in my own skin.  Trusting God will carry me through.  With this fear brought feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and a desperate search for a sense of control.  

At my lowest point I remember crying out to God ‘please don’t take anyone else away from me’.  In my experience I have noticed how once I hit a low, I can look forward to the highs that always follow.  

As I head into the new year, I find I am inspired to invest into learning about myself and loving myself in a way I never have before.  

And so continues the highs and lows of this beautiful journey called life… 💕

Bring it 2024…I have some boxes to check!!!

A willingness to look within

I am grateful for my willingness to look within.  

To examine past experiences that have left me feeling unlovable and apply new skills to find solutions.

I had parents who loved me, this I have never questioned.  Even so, they are mere mortal humans and along the way I did not receive the securement I needed to feel ok in my own skin. 

As I get older I find myself struggling with the concept of 'being alone'.  Deep down I have the perspective that if I face plant, I won't be ok.  I won't have anyone to help me up.  Today I have a new truth.  

What I know:

• I am very capable of provided a fun and fulfilling life
• I am loved by many
• I have support
• I can provide for my family
• I have made it through many hard trials and come out on top. 
• I am proud of the woman I am today and this is the result of the beautiful and complex combination of trials and wins throughout my life.  
• It's a beautiful life

I was prompted by a few close people in my life to create some goals for myself.  I closed my eyes and meditated on the idea of me, and me alone.  What would I do without needing anything from anyone else to feel completely and ridiculously happy?

I made a list, and as I did I envisioned myself doing each thing and having the best time at it.  Then I typed the list up and printed it out onto a poster to hang on my wall.  

Each morning now I wake up and look at my list and I feel excited for opportunities to check items off!

Before I can truly pour into loving others, I must first be able to look within and love what I see.  

This has me thinking of my WOTY... and I want it to be a year that I pour love and attention into the most important thing to me right now....ME.  

Self-nuturing:

making myself feel worthy, loved and celebrating my uniqueness just the way I am.  

I desire:

To love myself like I am the last human left on this planet

To show myself self respect 

To show myself compassion

To love myself exactly as I need 

It is enough to be cared for by myself

I envision the falling of leaves from the trees.  Each leave twisting and turning as it makes its way to the ground below.  Bringing with it words of comfort, encouragement, and validation.  This is my tree of life.  

As a result of my willingness to look within when I get to the place of peace I am seeking I know that it is a result of laying old demons to rest and finding peace.  I can heal my life. 

Better days

 As I woke up this morning, I felt in a pretty good mood.  I had this surge of motivation to be ok with myself.  To let go of attachments to any other person or thing.  I felt enough.  

As the day progressed, I could feel the mental chatter in my head begin again to tell me that I am not worthy of love.  I felt a surge of anxiety that I will be alone, with no one to love or to love me.  I desperately wanted to make this thought go away.  I don't want to feel this way again.

Life is constantly changing, and I am noticing that I am not as resilient as I use to be.  As I see myself growing, I notice how uncomfortable I am feeling.  If I lean in to allow myself to feel, maybe I will find healing.  

I just want to feel better right now.  I want to learn the lessons and find peace today.  I am not honoring God's will or God's time.  I am operating on Amanda's time.  I think, "this feels yucky, and I want to feel happy".

I have never truly been alone....in 44 years I have always had someone to share space and entertain me.  I don't know how to be by myself and find joy.  It scares me.  Debilitatingly scares me.

Tonight, I drug myself to the Celebrating Recovery meeting, practicing discipline to myself and my spiritual need to connect and to honor myself by showing up.  As I sat in large group, I felt tears welling up.  I sat there and planned how I could quietly sneak out the door before I cry.  Heaven knows I don't want to cry in public.  C'mon, not now God....

I made my way to small group and noticed how shallowly I was breathing.  Barely taking any breath at all.  As they opened up with prayer, I felt the tears pooling.  C'mon God, not now, I thought.  So, I opened my eyes and focused on my breath to choke the feeling back down.  

As the ladies began to share, one of them mentioned the holiday's, and that was my breaking point.  I couldn't stop the tears from coming, so I just allowed them.  I ugly cried.  It felt cleansing.  I imagined I was anywhere but where I actually was and allowed the tears to flow.  

No one handed me a tissue, per the group guidelines.  See, there is a theory that handing someone a tissue stumps the feelings and tears from flowing.  In some way it is a sign that the crying needs to stop.  In this group, feelings are encouraged, so this would go against that purpose.  I also resisted grabbing a tissue and just allowed myself to feel and process.

When it was my time to share, I found the courage to speak whatever came to my mind.  I don't know if any of it made any sense, but I know that I felt a weight off my shoulders when I was done.  It felt good to confess my struggles, and the negative feelings associated with being alone.  It felt good to own my truth and to seek support to look up.

My real struggle is finding peace in the stillness, feeding my own needs through the holy spirit.  

Phillipians 4:9 states that God will meet all of our needs...really?  I don't feel like this is true.  Or is it my perception of what I 'need' that is off.  

• Need for approval from humans:- Seek the all knowing, perfect God
• Need for connection:- Seek the all knowing, perfect God
• Need for answers:- Seek the all knowing, perfect God

After listening to a video from Steven Furtick I notice the following points to meditate on. 

God doesn't take the need away, he becomes the need.  

When joy is low, entitlement is high

Being set free from what is expected, allows us to receive what we need. 

Blessings:

I am capable of self awareness

I am worthy, just as I am

I am witty, and fun

I care so deeply

I have a natural ability to connect with kids

I have improved SO much in the past 4 years in my personal growth

I am a fighter

I love being a mother, friend and partner

I love learning

I am excelling at my job

I have good health

I am determined to build a life I love

I am capable of finding the silver lining

I can adapt to the changing seasons of life

I have a cute laugh

I have the most supportive and loving people in my circle

I have an abundance of family

My life is truly beautiful, I just need to open my eyes to it.  

Coping with change

I think back to when I got divorced and why I left that relationship.  I recall waking up one day and feeling the words "I don't want to be married" running through my head.  I was terrified by the thought of those words.  I couldn't understand what was going on that I would feel this way.  At that point in time, I seemed to have the 'perfect life'.  How was it that I felt so empty inside?

I remember talking to my counselor about how I felt, and I described it as if I was standing back looking at life happening all around me.  Life was not happening for me.  She asked if I was happy.  Of course, I said.  I have a beautiful family.  They make me happy.  Are you happy?  Well, no.  It's not about me though.  She reminded me that it very much is about me.  She reminded me that I'm a healthier parent, person and partner when I am happy. 

As I walked away from a marriage of almost 20 years, I remember feeling childlike, with an awe for the big world in front of me.  I felt this curiosity to figure out what I wanted and who I was.  I immediately began digging deeper into my own emotions and behaviors.  Self-care books were my obsession.  I just couldn't learn enough about myself.  I was single, raising 3 kids in a two-bedroom apartment and I was happy!  I was so content at a time when I could have played a victim and self-sulked.  

I started making connections with people around me.  Real connections, well...more real than I had before.  During my marriage I took complete care of a small circle of people.  Investing wholly in them.  Now I wanted to expand my circle and be enough for a larger amount of people.  Show up for more people.  Give my life meaning and purpose.  

I met Allan a few months after moving out.  Through the years of being together I have watched and learned SO much from him about connection and showing up for others.  A journey I was just learning about that he had spent a lifetime living.  As the relationship continued to get stronger, I found myself reverting back to the old ways of being SO much to so few people.  My circle had significantly decreased. 

I think about the day that I am laid to rest.  What legacy will I leave behind for those that know me? Will I just be a quiet soul making it through the days or will I impact others with connection, love and memories?  I LOVE making and reminiscing on memories!

As my kids are getting older and moving on to the next phase of their lives, I find myself struggling to find joy.  They have been my world…investing all I can to not miss out on anything.  Now I feel lost.  I know what I love but I’m not sure how to bridge from where I am to where I want to be.  I could use these next 2-3 years to dig in and invest in my future or I can lay in bed and cry.  

I know I have not been coping well at all.  My self-care, hope and spirit have been dampened.  I do not feel like myself.   I'm isolating and withdrawing from my community instead of seeking connection.  I feel lost without the duty of being 'mom'.   I don't know my purpose outside of parenting.  I have become dependent on my kids to fill me with joy, love, laughter.  I know this is not their job.  

Where do I go from here?  I don’t have a vision for my future but I have an idea of what it feels like.  It feels like peace, joy, connection, confidence, passion, youth.  I’ll hold onto this feeling. 

As I reflect on the struggles I am having with this next chapter, I am empowered to think about my word of the year and where I want to put my focus.  

Word of the year

It's time again for the Word of the Year.

Previous words:

Gratitude

Communication

Faith 

This year I find myself at a very challenging phase of life.  As my cup of people home with me, that I engage with, continues to get smaller, I find myself struggling to be ok with myself.  I have not been able to cope with the idea of having me-time in a healthy way.  I find myself isolating, feeling down, crying and losing hope that I will ever be happy again.  

I think what I may be missing as this next chapter develops is connection.  Authentic connection with people.  I think there is a part of me that has always been afraid to miss out on anything my kids are doing.  To the point I have not invested in myself or my own hobbies. I basically live thinking when they are moved out, then I will...

I sit and wait for opportunity to be there for them, even if a whole day goes by and we don't engage.  This is not a healthy dynamic for any of us.  I realize how harmful this way of thinking is for them as well, to see a mom who isn't engaged in her own life.  This is a hard reality I haven't been willing to admit to myself for many years now. 

I have no one to blame for how I feel except myself.  No one can pull me out of this rut except for me.  It will always be my choice to feel better or not.  

So, this year I want to focus on connection.

Connection with myself and connection with others.  

Merriam-Webster defines connection as the act of connecting.  hmmmm, using the word to define the word.  Yea, that's not going to help me. 

What does connection look like for me?

Being curious about other's lives and desires

Being curious about my life and desires

Communicate openly about my feelings

Showing up to really hear someone

Speak from my heart

Have fun!

Socialize 

Not enough

I’m feeling overwhelmed today with emotions.  I am not sure how to manage relationship challenges that have arisen.  I have more people not like me today than ever before.  My world already feels shaken due to Trever leaving home.

I have hurt Allan’s daughters by actions or the lack of and while I seek restoration, they are not open to talking to me at this time.  How do I find acceptance of this?  

I am such a people pleaser, and I love to be included in, and a part of things.  It's hard knowing that his girls don't want me in their lives.  I definitely don't feel the same way.  They bring a lot of joy to me.

So many feelings of rejection have surfaced.  

Now I sit in these feelings and fight off the mental chatter that I’m not enough, I’m not lovable.  

It’s heartbreaking that they are so hurt by me, but more so that I failed an opportunity to be there when they needed me. I FAILED them.  Tears fill my eyes as I type this.  My brain converts this to: I am a failure.  

What I want to understand:

• What and how I have hurt them
• How I can show up differently in the future
• What they are feeling
• What they need going forward 

I feel disrespected by both girls as I am being talked about...but not to.  Time to forgive…I know I have been guilty of the same.  

I know I need to own my dismissal of their mom’s concern.  I became so self absorbed that an opportunity to show up and build trust was missed.  

Affirmations:

I am lovable 

I am enough

I have learned new skills to manage this.  

I have learned how to apologize 

I have realized the value of community and the willingness to share struggles and seek support. 

Stay open to truly hearing…

Nonjudgmental awareness 

After talking to Allan he reminded me that I called and shared with him the concerns that day so that he was able to handle the situation.  I felt a huge sigh of relief knowing that I did that... it’s natural for me to take blame even if it’s not mine to own.  I’m grateful to hear that I communicated it to him.

As I was still feeling bad for dismissing their mom due to an effort to stay out of the drama, I did text her an apology.  There was a part of me that wanted an acceptance response.  I did not receive one.  I think there was a point in time that this would have bothered me, but today I just wanted to clear my head and heart.  I'm in a good place now and I don't feel that there is anything else I need to do.  

It wouldn't hurt to have some grace and love for myself along the way.  I have been very harsh on myself and taking everything very personally.  I can work on having compassion.