Not enough

I’m feeling overwhelmed today with emotions.  I am not sure how to manage relationship challenges that have arisen.  I have more people not like me today than ever before.  My world already feels shaken due to Trever leaving home.

I have hurt Allan’s daughters by actions or the lack of and while I seek restoration, they are not open to talking to me at this time.  How do I find acceptance of this?  

I am such a people pleaser, and I love to be included in, and a part of things.  It's hard knowing that his girls don't want me in their lives.  I definitely don't feel the same way.  They bring a lot of joy to me.

So many feelings of rejection have surfaced.  

Now I sit in these feelings and fight off the mental chatter that I’m not enough, I’m not lovable.  

It’s heartbreaking that they are so hurt by me, but more so that I failed an opportunity to be there when they needed me. I FAILED them.  Tears fill my eyes as I type this.  My brain converts this to: I am a failure.  

What I want to understand:

• What and how I have hurt them
• How I can show up differently in the future
• What they are feeling
• What they need going forward 

I feel disrespected by both girls as I am being talked about...but not to.  Time to forgive…I know I have been guilty of the same.  

I know I need to own my dismissal of their mom’s concern.  I became so self absorbed that an opportunity to show up and build trust was missed.  

Affirmations:

I am lovable 

I am enough

I have learned new skills to manage this.  

I have learned how to apologize 

I have realized the value of community and the willingness to share struggles and seek support. 

Stay open to truly hearing…

Nonjudgmental awareness 

After talking to Allan he reminded me that I called and shared with him the concerns that day so that he was able to handle the situation.  I felt a huge sigh of relief knowing that I did that... it’s natural for me to take blame even if it’s not mine to own.  I’m grateful to hear that I communicated it to him.

As I was still feeling bad for dismissing their mom due to an effort to stay out of the drama, I did text her an apology.  There was a part of me that wanted an acceptance response.  I did not receive one.  I think there was a point in time that this would have bothered me, but today I just wanted to clear my head and heart.  I'm in a good place now and I don't feel that there is anything else I need to do.  

It wouldn't hurt to have some grace and love for myself along the way.  I have been very harsh on myself and taking everything very personally.  I can work on having compassion.