I think back to when I got divorced and why I left that relationship. I recall waking up one day and feeling the words "I don't want to be married" running through my head. I was terrified by the thought of those words. I couldn't understand what was going on that I would feel this way. At that point in time, I seemed to have the 'perfect life'. How was it that I felt so empty inside?
I remember talking to my counselor about how I felt, and I described it as if I was standing back looking at life happening all around me. Life was not happening for me. She asked if I was happy. Of course, I said. I have a beautiful family. They make me happy. Are you happy? Well, no. It's not about me though. She reminded me that it very much is about me. She reminded me that I'm a healthier parent, person and partner when I am happy.
As I walked away from a marriage of almost 20 years, I remember feeling childlike, with an awe for the big world in front of me. I felt this curiosity to figure out what I wanted and who I was. I immediately began digging deeper into my own emotions and behaviors. Self-care books were my obsession. I just couldn't learn enough about myself. I was single, raising 3 kids in a two-bedroom apartment and I was happy! I was so content at a time when I could have played a victim and self-sulked.
I started making connections with people around me. Real connections, well...more real than I had before. During my marriage I took complete care of a small circle of people. Investing wholly in them. Now I wanted to expand my circle and be enough for a larger amount of people. Show up for more people. Give my life meaning and purpose.
I met Allan a few months after moving out. Through the years of being together I have watched and learned SO much from him about connection and showing up for others. A journey I was just learning about that he had spent a lifetime living. As the relationship continued to get stronger, I found myself reverting back to the old ways of being SO much to so few people. My circle had significantly decreased.
I think about the day that I am laid to rest. What legacy will I leave behind for those that know me? Will I just be a quiet soul making it through the days or will I impact others with connection, love and memories? I LOVE making and reminiscing on memories!
As my kids are getting older and moving on to the next phase of their lives, I find myself struggling to find joy. They have been my world…investing all I can to not miss out on anything. Now I feel lost. I know what I love but I’m not sure how to bridge from where I am to where I want to be. I could use these next 2-3 years to dig in and invest in my future or I can lay in bed and cry.
I know I have not been coping well at all. My self-care, hope and spirit have been dampened. I do not feel like myself. I'm isolating and withdrawing from my community instead of seeking connection. I feel lost without the duty of being 'mom'. I don't know my purpose outside of parenting. I have become dependent on my kids to fill me with joy, love, laughter. I know this is not their job.
Where do I go from here? I don’t have a vision for my future but I have an idea of what it feels like. It feels like peace, joy, connection, confidence, passion, youth. I’ll hold onto this feeling.
As I reflect on the struggles I am having with this next chapter, I am empowered to think about my word of the year and where I want to put my focus.
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