Finding joy in acceptance

Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. 

As I walked into my weekly Celebrating Recovery meeting, I felt a sense of peace, belonging and acceptance.  I was excited to be here.  

Tonight large group sat in the gym, as the sanctuary was being used to practice for the upcoming Christmas performance.  There were about 4 rows of seats compacted together in front of a makeshift stage, with a Karaoke machine set up for sound.  

I found a seat in the middle of the row, two rows back.  It wasn’t long before I was surrounded by people on both sides of me.  I felt secure and grateful for the feeling of intimacy that came with the smaller setup.  This was my place, I felt happy.  

As they began singing the worship songs I was excited that I actually recognized one of them.  I enjoyed singing along.  

Tonight was a graduation for a step study group of men who shared their testimonies.  Many cried as they recalled how unmanageable their lives had become before they let the light of God take their burdens. I found this experience so moving.  

As we made our way to small group I still found myself smiling and peaceful.  I started as I always do…Hi, I’m Amanda, and I struggle with codependency, anxiety, fear, insecurities, depression and unresolved trauma.  

Tonight, I shared that my life became so dark this year, that at one point I remember crying out; “God, if you take one more person away from me, I’m done with you.”  This is the moment my life became unmanageable.  The moment I decided to do life alone, without a savior.  

Then I shared how I feel that God saw a part of me that I was unwilling to trust him to manage.  My fear of being alone.  Because he LOVES me, he let me sit in that feeling-with open arms awaiting me to look to him for healing.  See, I realize how I have been caught with this hang up and it’s holding me back from being my best self. 

As I shared, the group listened so intently, and I felt the holy spirit’s presence.  He was amongst us.  I shared my desire to find a group that offers a 12 step program so I can continue in my healing journey.  I wasn’t expecting approval from anyone, I’m ready to own my own life.  

As I walked out of the meeting I felt excited for the next one.  I still had a smile on that was SO big!  I have found acceptance to my hangup, and I know freedom is on the other side!  

This really is a beautiful life!