Conflicted

I was so conflicted 

I was daddy’s girl- he spoiled and loved me

Then I saw this other side of him and it scared me.  I wanted the pain, fear and hurt to stop.  In the moments there was heightened stress and anger I didn’t know what to do.  In those moments I wished he would die.  In those moments I hated him.  

But I loved how I felt he showed up to me…teaching me- laughing with me- trusting me- loving me….

My heart was conflicted and hurt 

How could I wish such a horrible thought?  

I see how, just for today, I need to stay on my own page…time to get off of everyone else’s.  I have a part to own.  My thoughts and actions did not align with my values.  I need to own this…I need to apologize to my dad. 

It’s so easy to be all about other people and what they should’ve and shouldn’t have done.  There is no healing or power in this frame of mind.  My healing will be found through honest self reflection and living a life today that makes ME proud of how I am showing up.  

I WAS so conflicted, but I’m not anymore.  I’m glad my daddy didn’t die.  I’m glad I get the opportunity to apologize, forgive and heal.