For some, change seems to be a way of life…like the grains of sand falling through a plastic sifter, some people appear to just flow so smoothly as their life unfolds in front of them. Their path being left up to the fate of gravity and the pourer of the sand.
I am not sand. I am a concrete slab- as the pourer of the sand attempts to get me to pass through the sifter; either I break or the sifter breaks. The only thing for sure is that something has to break to get me to pass through. At least this is how I feel.
I have been through so many changes in my life. Each change has brought me an intense initial rush of anxiety and sadness as I close the chapter I’m in. However, each time I have closed a chapter, a new and exciting gift of a chapter awaits me. Full of mystery, excitement and joy.
This weekend I began the process of cleaning out T’s room. Last weekend he came up to take the things he cares about the most and left behind a shamble of stuff that he doesn’t care if he ever sees again.
Nothing could ever prepare a mother’s heart for the journey I embarked on. I was not prepared, but are we ever prepared for letting go?
As I went through his clothing and things left behind, I found myself going down memory lane. As I remembered little T my heart was both filled with the greatest joy and the greatest sadness.
I found myself wondering how I did as a mom. Pondering the mistakes and shortcomings I myself saw and wondered what he saw. I became curious how much my actions as his mom, affected who he has become today. The greatest question I pondered was: did I show him enough how much I love him?
As I packed up his things I realized how important my kids are to me. I mean I had a pretty good idea, but on this day it was magnified. I always want to show up for my kids…no matter where I go,I want them to know how much I care. I never want them to question if they are loved.
I remember the days before T left for college. He shared his intention to come home often to visit. My heart knew the possibility existed that he may not come home as much as he initially thought. I realize that some kids pull away from family to find themselves. Something in me felt like this would be his situation. In a brief phone call last weekend he expressed his lack of desire to have family visit him or to come home. Maybe for Thanksgiving he said. I instantly felt sad, this is not the outcome I had wished for. In this moment I felt broken: heartbroken.
I was all over his paper with how I must have messed up his vision of family, life and joy. I felt an intense sense of guilt. I felt despaired by hurt he may have experienced as a result of my choices. I wondered how willing I was to be vulnerable with him throughout the years. I took it personally and forgot to look for evidence of what an amazing human I contributed to.
I recall how proud I am of the hard work he put into his high school career. I love how he shows up in the world. He offers a perspective on life that balances my emotional responses. He is deep, funny, and wholehearted. He shows up for people. He’s a simple man-never asks for much. A kids who values time and relationship over things. He never lets me beat him at chess without earning it. There are no handouts. He is brave and courageous.
I will be forever grateful for the trip to Vancouver we enjoyed together!
To my loved ones who have listened while I cried…offered me comfort and encouragement during this season…Thank you.
Where there was once intense grief, I now feel peace.
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