WOTY

Resilience 

Psychologists define resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress.

Resilience involves behaviors, thoughts and beliefs that can be developed in anyone.  

The goal of being resilient is to move away from perfectionism.  Hmmmm…I never understood my challenges as a desire to seek perfection, but it makes sense.  

• Competence in the face of stress
• Positive outcomes despite high-risk status
• Adapting to trauma 
• Using challenges for growth to make future hardships more manageable.  

One pneumonic used to strategize resilience is S.A.V.E.S

Social connection-isolation is toxic.  

Surround myself with resilient role models- (someone who overcomes challenges every day).

How can I engage in my community?

What is an activity I can do to foster confidence?

What hobbies would I like to pursue?

Attitude- 

Permanent-remember this moment/season will change.  The Chinese Farmer story is a good reference that we never really know what’s best.  

Pervasiveness- shift focus to positive thoughts and let those thoughts grow.  What we focus on grows.

Personalization- opening up to the broader context

How can I incorporate gratitude?

What mindset/actions can help me foster a growth perspective?  

Values

Finding something we hold onto when the storms are beating against us. 

Balancing the idea that we are unique and special with humility.  

What traits do I value?

What makes me unique?

Emotional-acceptance 

We think we have to change uncomfortable emotions.  

Creative hopelessness.

Accept what is.

Get curious about emotions - what are they telling me?

What does it look like to voice emotions without ‘needing fixed’?

Learn to self soothe- what actions feel comforting?

Silliness-

Laugh at myself!

Don’t take myself or life so seriously!

Have fun!!  

What things help me to feel childlike?  

What blocks me from feeling free to be silly? 

The one thing in life I can be certain of is that change is inevitable.  Life will always be presenting itself to me, and in some ways that I do not agree with, or want to participate in.  Taking care of myself in ways that build resilience will help me manage these seasons with a touch of grace.  

Over again

On my weekly indoor stair climbing routine, I find the prompting for this journal topic today…

As I struggle to pick my feet up, and find myself covered in sweat, I continue going up.  My lungs desperately seek the replenishment of oxygen as my brain lights up with the increase in blood flow.  

I am listening to Mike Shinoda sing the words to the song ‘Over again’, and I think of the hang ups, events, things and people I have said goodbye to over the years.

I realize that there’s a part of me that ‘holds’ on, even though I have said goodbye.  Today, I find peace in the awareness that sometimes we need to say goodbye over, and over again. 

Holding on feels like a safe place to stay, but in reality the goodbye is where peace is found.  With the closure comes an open door for a new opportunity.   So, without judgment, I allow myself to say goodbye over and over again until peace is restored.  

This is MY journey and I’m so in love with it!  💕

Winter solstice

Winter solstice: The symbolic death and rebirth of the sun 

Finding the beauty in the season.

The cold, dark, isolated days of this season has brought me anything but joy over the years.  It was once recommended that I may struggled with SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and light therapy might help me feel better.  I can get that down…

This year I see the season through a different lens…through a lens of gratitude.  

I find gratitude for the ‘forced’ slowdown.  Days when it’s just too cold to want to leave the house.  

What winter solstice looks to me now is:

• Snuggly blankets
• Extended journaling sessions
• Sweaters and hoodies
• Fuzzy Hats
• Cold, crisp winter air
• A quieter and more peaceful feeling to the outside world
• Sledding
• Snow
• Bubble baths
• Hot cocoa!!!  
• All things Christmas 💕

As my perspective on this season changes, I find great joy in this time of year.  

Winter solstice…I’m grateful for you!

The color pink

To my favorite littlest leech,

You requested that I blog about you and you even suggested that I include the picture of the pasta that you made for me.  It was yummy at that too, and well worth a blog!  You have a gift for food presentation that looks too pretty to eat sometimes!  

When I think of the beautiful young lady you’re becoming I think about the color pink…

Pink has many meanings that fit the gifts you share with the world.  

Unconditional love - the kind of love that sees you through the hard times with a gentle helping of grace.  You may get frustrated, annoyed, hurt or disappointed, but I know you'll always continue to love. 

Compassion- Have a bad day, you're the person I'd want to talk to.  You are so loving and you take time to really show others how much you care.  This isn't something that can be taught, it's just something that you have or you don't.  

Playfulness- the color pink resembles a connection to one’s inner child.  I wish for you that you never grow up....your childlike spirit is contagious!  I love cruising around at night with you when the nighttime weather is warm, windows are down and we sing to our favorite songs at the top of our lungs as the wind blows our hair around.  

Sense of humor- you have a great sense of humor!  You laugh at my bad jokes.  You laugh at my ‘speed ahead’ dark humor.  You make crazy sounds with Sprite challenge laughs!  You are so funny!   You just laugh, a lot, and I cherish hearing the sound of your joy.  

What was said to the rose that made it open?

Something invisible, non-dual opens the roses.  There is no scientist that can figure out what it is, where it is, how it works and it's in every one of us.

I love you now and forever Madeline Rose! 🌹 

Finding joy in acceptance

Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. 

As I walked into my weekly Celebrating Recovery meeting, I felt a sense of peace, belonging and acceptance.  I was excited to be here.  

Tonight large group sat in the gym, as the sanctuary was being used to practice for the upcoming Christmas performance.  There were about 4 rows of seats compacted together in front of a makeshift stage, with a Karaoke machine set up for sound.  

I found a seat in the middle of the row, two rows back.  It wasn’t long before I was surrounded by people on both sides of me.  I felt secure and grateful for the feeling of intimacy that came with the smaller setup.  This was my place, I felt happy.  

As they began singing the worship songs I was excited that I actually recognized one of them.  I enjoyed singing along.  

Tonight was a graduation for a step study group of men who shared their testimonies.  Many cried as they recalled how unmanageable their lives had become before they let the light of God take their burdens. I found this experience so moving.  

As we made our way to small group I still found myself smiling and peaceful.  I started as I always do…Hi, I’m Amanda, and I struggle with codependency, anxiety, fear, insecurities, depression and unresolved trauma.  

Tonight, I shared that my life became so dark this year, that at one point I remember crying out; “God, if you take one more person away from me, I’m done with you.”  This is the moment my life became unmanageable.  The moment I decided to do life alone, without a savior.  

Then I shared how I feel that God saw a part of me that I was unwilling to trust him to manage.  My fear of being alone.  Because he LOVES me, he let me sit in that feeling-with open arms awaiting me to look to him for healing.  See, I realize how I have been caught with this hang up and it’s holding me back from being my best self. 

As I shared, the group listened so intently, and I felt the holy spirit’s presence.  He was amongst us.  I shared my desire to find a group that offers a 12 step program so I can continue in my healing journey.  I wasn’t expecting approval from anyone, I’m ready to own my own life.  

As I walked out of the meeting I felt excited for the next one.  I still had a smile on that was SO big!  I have found acceptance to my hangup, and I know freedom is on the other side!  

This really is a beautiful life! 

Boxes to check

 

Yep…Vancouver has an extra space, and I left it imperfect.  Now I call this place my little secret.  lol

This list of goals is the first thing I place my sights on as I awake…my personal checklist of fun and frills! 💕

As 2023 comes to an end, I reflect upon the highs and lows the year brought.  Without the lows there’s no doubt that I would not have leaned into lessons for personal growth.  The wins are what kept my head above water.  

God has this journey so perfectly orchestrated for me. He sees areas where I have stubbornly resisted growth and he allows me to fall into them face first.  I imagine God says: “Oh, you don’t like feeling insecure…here sit in that feeling for a while…Because I want you to trust me with the hardest feelings…because I love you and I KNOW what’s best for you.”  

This last year the greatest fear I have had to lean into is the fear of being alone.  Finding peace in my own skin.  Trusting God will carry me through.  With this fear brought feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and a desperate search for a sense of control.  

At my lowest point I remember crying out to God ‘please don’t take anyone else away from me’.  In my experience I have noticed how once I hit a low, I can look forward to the highs that always follow.  

As I head into the new year, I find I am inspired to invest into learning about myself and loving myself in a way I never have before.  

And so continues the highs and lows of this beautiful journey called life… 💕

Bring it 2024…I have some boxes to check!!!

A willingness to look within

I am grateful for my willingness to look within.  

To examine past experiences that have left me feeling unlovable and apply new skills to find solutions.

I had parents who loved me, this I have never questioned.  Even so, they are mere mortal humans and along the way I did not receive the securement I needed to feel ok in my own skin. 

As I get older I find myself struggling with the concept of 'being alone'.  Deep down I have the perspective that if I face plant, I won't be ok.  I won't have anyone to help me up.  Today I have a new truth.  

What I know:

• I am very capable of provided a fun and fulfilling life
• I am loved by many
• I have support
• I can provide for my family
• I have made it through many hard trials and come out on top. 
• I am proud of the woman I am today and this is the result of the beautiful and complex combination of trials and wins throughout my life.  
• It's a beautiful life

I was prompted by a few close people in my life to create some goals for myself.  I closed my eyes and meditated on the idea of me, and me alone.  What would I do without needing anything from anyone else to feel completely and ridiculously happy?

I made a list, and as I did I envisioned myself doing each thing and having the best time at it.  Then I typed the list up and printed it out onto a poster to hang on my wall.  

Each morning now I wake up and look at my list and I feel excited for opportunities to check items off!

Before I can truly pour into loving others, I must first be able to look within and love what I see.  

This has me thinking of my WOTY... and I want it to be a year that I pour love and attention into the most important thing to me right now....ME.  

Self-nuturing:

making myself feel worthy, loved and celebrating my uniqueness just the way I am.  

I desire:

To love myself like I am the last human left on this planet

To show myself self respect 

To show myself compassion

To love myself exactly as I need 

It is enough to be cared for by myself

I envision the falling of leaves from the trees.  Each leave twisting and turning as it makes its way to the ground below.  Bringing with it words of comfort, encouragement, and validation.  This is my tree of life.  

As a result of my willingness to look within when I get to the place of peace I am seeking I know that it is a result of laying old demons to rest and finding peace.  I can heal my life.