Better days

 As I woke up this morning, I felt in a pretty good mood.  I had this surge of motivation to be ok with myself.  To let go of attachments to any other person or thing.  I felt enough.  

As the day progressed, I could feel the mental chatter in my head begin again to tell me that I am not worthy of love.  I felt a surge of anxiety that I will be alone, with no one to love or to love me.  I desperately wanted to make this thought go away.  I don't want to feel this way again.

Life is constantly changing, and I am noticing that I am not as resilient as I use to be.  As I see myself growing, I notice how uncomfortable I am feeling.  If I lean in to allow myself to feel, maybe I will find healing.  

I just want to feel better right now.  I want to learn the lessons and find peace today.  I am not honoring God's will or God's time.  I am operating on Amanda's time.  I think, "this feels yucky, and I want to feel happy".

I have never truly been alone....in 44 years I have always had someone to share space and entertain me.  I don't know how to be by myself and find joy.  It scares me.  Debilitatingly scares me.

Tonight, I drug myself to the Celebrating Recovery meeting, practicing discipline to myself and my spiritual need to connect and to honor myself by showing up.  As I sat in large group, I felt tears welling up.  I sat there and planned how I could quietly sneak out the door before I cry.  Heaven knows I don't want to cry in public.  C'mon, not now God....

I made my way to small group and noticed how shallowly I was breathing.  Barely taking any breath at all.  As they opened up with prayer, I felt the tears pooling.  C'mon God, not now, I thought.  So, I opened my eyes and focused on my breath to choke the feeling back down.  

As the ladies began to share, one of them mentioned the holiday's, and that was my breaking point.  I couldn't stop the tears from coming, so I just allowed them.  I ugly cried.  It felt cleansing.  I imagined I was anywhere but where I actually was and allowed the tears to flow.  

No one handed me a tissue, per the group guidelines.  See, there is a theory that handing someone a tissue stumps the feelings and tears from flowing.  In some way it is a sign that the crying needs to stop.  In this group, feelings are encouraged, so this would go against that purpose.  I also resisted grabbing a tissue and just allowed myself to feel and process.

When it was my time to share, I found the courage to speak whatever came to my mind.  I don't know if any of it made any sense, but I know that I felt a weight off my shoulders when I was done.  It felt good to confess my struggles, and the negative feelings associated with being alone.  It felt good to own my truth and to seek support to look up.

My real struggle is finding peace in the stillness, feeding my own needs through the holy spirit.  

Phillipians 4:9 states that God will meet all of our needs...really?  I don't feel like this is true.  Or is it my perception of what I 'need' that is off.  

• Need for approval from humans:- Seek the all knowing, perfect God
• Need for connection:- Seek the all knowing, perfect God
• Need for answers:- Seek the all knowing, perfect God

After listening to a video from Steven Furtick I notice the following points to meditate on. 

God doesn't take the need away, he becomes the need.  

When joy is low, entitlement is high

Being set free from what is expected, allows us to receive what we need. 

Blessings:

I am capable of self awareness

I am worthy, just as I am

I am witty, and fun

I care so deeply

I have a natural ability to connect with kids

I have improved SO much in the past 4 years in my personal growth

I am a fighter

I love being a mother, friend and partner

I love learning

I am excelling at my job

I have good health

I am determined to build a life I love

I am capable of finding the silver lining

I can adapt to the changing seasons of life

I have a cute laugh

I have the most supportive and loving people in my circle

I have an abundance of family

My life is truly beautiful, I just need to open my eyes to it.  

Coping with change

I think back to when I got divorced and why I left that relationship.  I recall waking up one day and feeling the words "I don't want to be married" running through my head.  I was terrified by the thought of those words.  I couldn't understand what was going on that I would feel this way.  At that point in time, I seemed to have the 'perfect life'.  How was it that I felt so empty inside?

I remember talking to my counselor about how I felt, and I described it as if I was standing back looking at life happening all around me.  Life was not happening for me.  She asked if I was happy.  Of course, I said.  I have a beautiful family.  They make me happy.  Are you happy?  Well, no.  It's not about me though.  She reminded me that it very much is about me.  She reminded me that I'm a healthier parent, person and partner when I am happy. 

As I walked away from a marriage of almost 20 years, I remember feeling childlike, with an awe for the big world in front of me.  I felt this curiosity to figure out what I wanted and who I was.  I immediately began digging deeper into my own emotions and behaviors.  Self-care books were my obsession.  I just couldn't learn enough about myself.  I was single, raising 3 kids in a two-bedroom apartment and I was happy!  I was so content at a time when I could have played a victim and self-sulked.  

I started making connections with people around me.  Real connections, well...more real than I had before.  During my marriage I took complete care of a small circle of people.  Investing wholly in them.  Now I wanted to expand my circle and be enough for a larger amount of people.  Show up for more people.  Give my life meaning and purpose.  

I met Allan a few months after moving out.  Through the years of being together I have watched and learned SO much from him about connection and showing up for others.  A journey I was just learning about that he had spent a lifetime living.  As the relationship continued to get stronger, I found myself reverting back to the old ways of being SO much to so few people.  My circle had significantly decreased. 

I think about the day that I am laid to rest.  What legacy will I leave behind for those that know me? Will I just be a quiet soul making it through the days or will I impact others with connection, love and memories?  I LOVE making and reminiscing on memories!

As my kids are getting older and moving on to the next phase of their lives, I find myself struggling to find joy.  They have been my world…investing all I can to not miss out on anything.  Now I feel lost.  I know what I love but I’m not sure how to bridge from where I am to where I want to be.  I could use these next 2-3 years to dig in and invest in my future or I can lay in bed and cry.  

I know I have not been coping well at all.  My self-care, hope and spirit have been dampened.  I do not feel like myself.   I'm isolating and withdrawing from my community instead of seeking connection.  I feel lost without the duty of being 'mom'.   I don't know my purpose outside of parenting.  I have become dependent on my kids to fill me with joy, love, laughter.  I know this is not their job.  

Where do I go from here?  I don’t have a vision for my future but I have an idea of what it feels like.  It feels like peace, joy, connection, confidence, passion, youth.  I’ll hold onto this feeling. 

As I reflect on the struggles I am having with this next chapter, I am empowered to think about my word of the year and where I want to put my focus.  

Word of the year

It's time again for the Word of the Year.

Previous words:

Gratitude

Communication

Faith 

This year I find myself at a very challenging phase of life.  As my cup of people home with me, that I engage with, continues to get smaller, I find myself struggling to be ok with myself.  I have not been able to cope with the idea of having me-time in a healthy way.  I find myself isolating, feeling down, crying and losing hope that I will ever be happy again.  

I think what I may be missing as this next chapter develops is connection.  Authentic connection with people.  I think there is a part of me that has always been afraid to miss out on anything my kids are doing.  To the point I have not invested in myself or my own hobbies. I basically live thinking when they are moved out, then I will...

I sit and wait for opportunity to be there for them, even if a whole day goes by and we don't engage.  This is not a healthy dynamic for any of us.  I realize how harmful this way of thinking is for them as well, to see a mom who isn't engaged in her own life.  This is a hard reality I haven't been willing to admit to myself for many years now. 

I have no one to blame for how I feel except myself.  No one can pull me out of this rut except for me.  It will always be my choice to feel better or not.  

So, this year I want to focus on connection.

Connection with myself and connection with others.  

Merriam-Webster defines connection as the act of connecting.  hmmmm, using the word to define the word.  Yea, that's not going to help me. 

What does connection look like for me?

Being curious about other's lives and desires

Being curious about my life and desires

Communicate openly about my feelings

Showing up to really hear someone

Speak from my heart

Have fun!

Socialize 

Not enough

I’m feeling overwhelmed today with emotions.  I am not sure how to manage relationship challenges that have arisen.  I have more people not like me today than ever before.  My world already feels shaken due to Trever leaving home.

I have hurt Allan’s daughters by actions or the lack of and while I seek restoration, they are not open to talking to me at this time.  How do I find acceptance of this?  

I am such a people pleaser, and I love to be included in, and a part of things.  It's hard knowing that his girls don't want me in their lives.  I definitely don't feel the same way.  They bring a lot of joy to me.

So many feelings of rejection have surfaced.  

Now I sit in these feelings and fight off the mental chatter that I’m not enough, I’m not lovable.  

It’s heartbreaking that they are so hurt by me, but more so that I failed an opportunity to be there when they needed me. I FAILED them.  Tears fill my eyes as I type this.  My brain converts this to: I am a failure.  

What I want to understand:

• What and how I have hurt them
• How I can show up differently in the future
• What they are feeling
• What they need going forward 

I feel disrespected by both girls as I am being talked about...but not to.  Time to forgive…I know I have been guilty of the same.  

I know I need to own my dismissal of their mom’s concern.  I became so self absorbed that an opportunity to show up and build trust was missed.  

Affirmations:

I am lovable 

I am enough

I have learned new skills to manage this.  

I have learned how to apologize 

I have realized the value of community and the willingness to share struggles and seek support. 

Stay open to truly hearing…

Nonjudgmental awareness 

After talking to Allan he reminded me that I called and shared with him the concerns that day so that he was able to handle the situation.  I felt a huge sigh of relief knowing that I did that... it’s natural for me to take blame even if it’s not mine to own.  I’m grateful to hear that I communicated it to him.

As I was still feeling bad for dismissing their mom due to an effort to stay out of the drama, I did text her an apology.  There was a part of me that wanted an acceptance response.  I did not receive one.  I think there was a point in time that this would have bothered me, but today I just wanted to clear my head and heart.  I'm in a good place now and I don't feel that there is anything else I need to do.  

It wouldn't hurt to have some grace and love for myself along the way.  I have been very harsh on myself and taking everything very personally.  I can work on having compassion. 

Runaway tire

I’ll never forget the day I got the phone call:

I don’t remember the exact details of the call but I do remember the high points.  Sometimes in moments of stress our brains only process certain tidbits of information.  This is what I remember:

Mom…

Tire fell off

Car is in the road..we can’t drive it

Called 911

Tire damaged this guy’s leaf blower…

Police are here

The police man wants to talk to you

…I’m on my way I say.

As I arrive to the scene I get the full story of what happened.  As Jayce and Maddy were navigating home after school the front of the car started making a weird noise…then it went away and all got quiet… (there’s the sign).  

Sometimes quiet is a good thing, other times like this one, it’s not.

As they are driving down Maple street, off flies the tire!  It hits the trailer of a neighboring truck full of professional yard equipment and bounces high enough to clear the two lanes of oncoming traffic and land in a pond across the street.  Yes, this REALLY happened.  

As I pull up, I see the old Honda being slowly driven out of traffic and onto a quiet side street.  We make arrangements for a tow truck and while waiting… realize the tire is still floating in the nearby pond.

I glance over at Madz and ask ‘wanna go fishing for a tire with me?’.  Being a brand new tire that Jayce had purchased just a couple days prior, I couldn’t let it get away.  Without hesitation she’s ALL in!  And off we go..

After about a minute of surveying the water, the tire is spotted.  Luckily it’s only about a quarter mile walk to get to it, and it’s right up against the bank.  This will be easy I think…

Well, think again girlie… 

What I didn’t consider is that tires are heavy, the bank is muddy and there’s little traction.  

I manage to wade down far enough to grab the tire and haul it out with the aid of Madz to pull me up.  The tire is wet, muddy and decently heavy.   Regardless, that doesn’t stop Madz from stepping up to carry the tire to the car. 

Through all of the excitement I forget to update Allan and Ren regarding everything going on and I left them hanging… desperately seeking reassurance that we are doing ok.  I’m grateful for their support during this moment I could NEVER have anticipated!  Their love and humor helped to bring the stress level back down to a healthier level.  

Things I learned. 

Allan and Ren are there no matter what, to lighten the mood with laughter and fun!  

God is always watching out for us!  The Honda was sold to upgrade to something more dependable, and it was learned that a few days after the tire incident the car had a massive leak and it started on fire 🔥 

There are really GOOD humans in the world: Ryan (the guy with the leaf blower) shared his story of how surreal it felt to see a tire flying through the air right for his windshield.  Thankfully, he took the appropriate actions to avoid the tire hitting his truck- did not file a claim, and also made a very generous contribution to help pay for the hundreds of dollars of damage incurred.  

We are raising kids who work hard and NEVER quit…

What’s real here?

Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel yucky?  

I woke up this morning and put on a workout shirt that felt good to wear…

I was excited to take a selfie and confirm how I feel I’m doing on self care…I took a pic and thought “ well that’s weird, I look fat…that can’t really be how I look”.  So I took another from a different angle.  Hmmmm, yup that’s not better.  I’m deleting ALL of these. 

In previous counseling sessions I’ve been told I display symptoms of body dissociative disorder: it’s hard for me to trust how I feel I look in pictures as I know that my perception may be inaccurate.  Basically, my brain lies to me. 

For example:

What I saw in the picture today didn’t match what I felt. 

What I felt- confident, healthy, toned, petite and cute

What I saw- cellulite, lack of tone, 30 pounds heavier than I felt I was (maybe an exaggeration), a girl who isn’t coping well with stress, a girl who is lying to herself about her own reality. 

These dissociative thoughts also work the other way around…when I was REALLY fit and healthy I felt heavy and untoned.  I couldn’t believe the girl I saw in pictures was actually me.  

After seeing a self portrait today I feel gross and disappointed in myself.  How could I possibly still be struggling with my health and wellness?  I know personally how amazing it feels to make healthy choices and manage my anxiety.  I also know all too well how terrible it feels when I don’t…

It’s not so much about the physical aspect, although I wouldn’t mind being fit again, it’s more the way I FEEL when I self care and make healthy choices.  

I have justified my poor choices… I give in to temptation over and over.  I wake up and tell myself, “today is a new day” and then repeat the same choices that leave me feeling gross.  I will eat well for a few days and then right back to eating my feelings of loneliness-boredom-sadness-anxiety.  

In my head I bully myself…

• You look like the girl guys would love to have as a ‘friend’
• You are gross
• Hair up…hair down…it doesn’t matter you’re face is still fat
• …I’m lazy
• You’re failing and the world can see it.  
• Ha…you were a personal trainer?  

(These feelings are incredibly hard to admit to myself and even more so to others…Will I be judged?  Made fun of?  Pitied?  Offered unsolicited advice?…on the contrary will I receive compassion? understanding? respect? encouragement?)  Either way it’s my reality I must face.  

I just want to lay in bed all day today so I can stay in self pity and wonder how to feel validated by the world that I’m enough.  This is exactly why I must get up…wash my face and really think about my choices and how I want to feel at the end of the day.  I am the boss of my day…I get to decide where to put my energy.  

They say you can tell about what matters to a person by what they invest their time in…

I say health and fitness matter to me, but do they really?  Am I acting in alignment with my values and desires?  Nope. 

Feeling yucky is my body’s way of talking to me… what is this feeling telling me?  Let’s get curious!

• I don’t like how I’m showing up to myself.
• I could be managing my emotions and feelings in a healthier way.  
• I am not living in alignment with my values
• I am looking outwardly for motivation to self care...and it isn’t working.  

Gratitude:

1. I threw out the chip dip and Oreos I’ve been binging on.  Surprisingly felt AMAZING to waste them (I was NEVER allowed to waste food growing up)!  
2. I am honestly journaling my feelings and feeling less depressed and more motivated by doing so. 
3. I am able to fit into my beloved workout shirt

That’s all I’ve got for now.  Some time at the gym will be a good replacement for unhealthy food to boost my yucky mood today.  

Self affirmation:

“Most people will live their lives giving themselves excuses for why they didn’t do the thing.  Don’t be most people.”

Daily affirmations-Instagram

L-H= S

Looking in is painful.  So much so, I don’t want to do it.  I have spent most of my life in a happy bubble… unaware of the benefits of looking within.  

I’ve had traumas…and I’ve been on a journey to find healing.

  

I see now how I feel shame at times.  

Most days I am a girl full of light…hope…love…laughter.  Authentically happy to my core.  

When I have an off day…I struggle to offer grace to myself.  

Today was one of those days.  I woke up and tears filled my eyes.  I instantly became curious…what’s going on dear child?

I have been silently struggling with hope.  I say ‘silently’ because I am just starting to realize it.  Once I realized I was low on hope, I took it hard.  ‘I don’t want to feel this way I prayed’

L (life) - H (hope) = S (shame)

I judge myself in these moments or dismiss the truth.  Why?  

I feel ‘bad’ at my core for the loss of hope.  Or so it seems.

My light is my gift to the world… my mom has seen this in me since I was very little.  I’m scared I will allow life to snuff this gift.  

Sometimes the world feels harsh… mean…scary...and unforgiving. 

However; The world is also bold…beautiful…light…magical!  

I love how Allan describes his recent hike.  It creates a visual for me of the hard days in life and the beauty that’s beyond our understanding.  

“There it was,

 I was about to reach the top of this hike

 before going over the edge

 and eventually heading down to Ten Lakes. 

 All I could see above the top of the ridge was blue sky.

  I knew it was coming…

I knew I would see something amazing in just minutes.”

(A. Coon 2023)

Today, I remind myself that the gorgeous view is coming…just keep moving.  One foot in front of the other. 

Grace- acceptance- love- compassion 

Maybe in the past I withheld these from myself…but I can offer them freely today.  

As I lay my head down on the pillow I am proud that I leaned in to the day despite how I felt.  The day was filled with so many beautiful moments: 

• Connections with those I love so dearly
• Time outdoors walking with a friend
• Unexpected generosity from a stranger
• Going out of my way to clean up dog poop 
• Sharing gratitudes with Maddy on the way home. 

From hope-shame, to love, blessings and connection, all in a days work.  

In the moment of despair it can be grueling to reach out for connection…at least for me it is.  It took an intense amount of energy to text a friend- ‘any chance you could walk?’.  Instead , I wanted to bury my head and hide my struggles from those around me.  I have spent my lifetime perfecting this poor coping skill.  

Today is different 

Today I can make healthier choices

Today I can let others in when my world feels dark

Today I can give back and show up for those around me.

As an adult I’m learning to appreciate the wide array of emotions and what each one has to teach me.  

L - H = S…

I could benefit from changing my self talk and affirmations.  

I could benefit from these affirmations:

1. It’s ok to have an off day
2. I’m allowed to experience some setbacks
3. Today I am capable of doing difficult things

Thanks to my amazing loved ones who care enough to help me through the toughest times…

Today I can rewrite my equation

L (life) - H (hope) = O (opportunity)