Breaking free

I ran into an old co-worker while at the gym today and I had this epiphany...

How we show up in the world affects interactions we have with others.  

Let's go on a little trip back in time to when I first started to notice this..

The year was 2010 and I had a life-changing introduction to fitness-fun-and confidence.  I transformed from a seemingly happy stay at home mom into an independent, confident, fit and fun 30 year old.  As a stay at home mom, I felt invisible to the world around me.

I started to find myself and my interests as an individual.  I was gifted at my abilities to kill it in the workout room.  Lifting...running...cycling...stair climbing... Let's GO!!  I was unstoppable!  One thing became VERY apparent to me; interactions with people I didn't know had changed.  Dramatically.  People sought me out to do things, interactions with others in public were engaging.  People payed attention to the girl of fun-light and confidence they saw.  

At this time I was sure it was because of the change in my physical appearance.  I was fit.  REALLY fit.  In my mind, this was the ONLY explanation for how different interactions with others felt to me.  

As I slowly backed off my investment in my self and my physical wellbeing I quickly noticed the interactions with others had changed as well.  People didn't seek me out....I don't remember being noticed when I went places.  It's like I was invisible again.  Dang...

Let's fast forward to a few months ago.  I ran into a former co-worker from the hospital at the gym.  I remember making eye contact and then I quickly looked away.  I clearly remember mentally making myself disappear beneath my Harry Potter cloak.  Seeing him immediately triggered feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness.  I was just sure he looked at me with judgment.  I definitely know I did.  See...he was at the hospital when my traumatic experience was unfolding.  He saw me at my worst.  

As he walked away I sent him a short text as I realized I wished I had said hello.  That text was never responded to.  As I think back on that day I had expectations of him.  I was seeking validation-approval.  I NEEDED him to remind me I am enough.  Well, that didn't go over well.  

Today, I ran into him at the gym again but the outcome was dramatically different.  This morning, I engaged in rigorous self care and I showed up to the gym as the girl of fun and light that I know myself to be.  Today when we made eye contact I smiled and said hey!  We engaged in light and fun conversation, and then went our own ways.  What was so different about this interaction?  There may have been an element on his page that played a part, but who knows.  What I do know is that I WAS different.  I needed NOTHING from the interaction.  Just a girl saying hey...how are you doing?  Nothing more, nothing less.  

I can't help but believe that how we show up in the world to others affects our interactions.  I no longer believe it is a result of physical appearance.  It's about the heart and the head connection to ourselves.  It's being our own best friend first and foremost.  It's believing in ourselves and our worth.  

It's about engaging in rigorous self care, compassion and forgiveness.  This feels freeing and exhilarating!!

CONTROL and judgment has had my life——but I am breaking free!!

Gratitude

 

Gratitude

How often do I discount the blessings in my life due to a moment of grief or turmoil?

Taking the time to be grateful in ANY moment at ANY time has always left me with an optimistic outlook.  It has yet to disappoint.  Yet, there are days when I don't WANT to see the blessings in my situation.  I just want to sit in my upset.

I am SO blessed.  When I think about where I was 10 yrs ago to where I am today I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude.  I have grown in ways I never imagined I would/or could.  I know who I am, what I want for my future and where I am going.  I am happy with my life.

Sometimes I find myself comparing, feeling insecure or not enough.  

Ok, so when you are comparing yourself to another...how does that work for your state of mind and self esteeem?  

When I am feeling low and I compare myself to another girl who I think has better qualities or attributes than me I feel even worse about myself. 

What do you mean 'not enough'?

Like I am unworthy of the life I am living...someone better than me deserves all of the blessings.

If you were to step back and look at your thoughts objectively...what would you think?

Honestly, I would feel like they are very dramatic.  Embarrassed that I feel so low.  I would focus on how attractive confidence and self esteem look on me.  I would look at my heart and know that I am on an equal playing field with the other woman of the world.  We can ALL be amazing, beautiful and talented.

I wonder if I will always struggle with my self esteem.  If I didn't have this struggle I would have another one and I'm sure I wouldn't like it any better.  

I think it's time I own the effort and work I'm putting into my little buddy.  I have a true gift for working with kids and it is definitely showing through.  It truly feels good to feel so appreciated at my job for the gifts God gave me.  I can see how at the ER I was constantly trying to 'prove my worth' and fit in.  I never felt like I succeeded and it broke me down.  I couldn't invest the time and energy into the patients that I desired to do.  That job fed my ego and that's where I found my confidence.  That is not an authentic way to be built up.  That is not who I want to be.  

I also don't want to be the girl who eats her feelings and then feels so ugly and repulsive she can't stand to look at herself in the mirror.  When I close my eyes I can see a girl who is full of light, love and laughter...who sees the best in the worst situation and works hard to maintain a sense of peace.  I see a girl who appreciates the little things in life and doesn't ask for much.  I see a girl whose smile brightens up the room and has a cute laugh.  I like this girl.  She's really cool to hang with. 

I choose my thoughts

 Day 6

“I choose my thoughts.”Our mind can take us on a wild ride. It can create suffering, fear, stress, peace, joy and calm. With up to 90,000 unconscious thoughts a day, our mind continually dishes out thoughts like a conveyor belt. What thoughts are you paying attention to? You have the ability to choose your thoughts and have conscious thoughts. Remember, YOU are in command of yourself. Are your thoughts helping your reality or hurting you and your reality? It’s your choice! What are some thoughts you can consciously reach for now that feel good?

What thoughts am I giving time and energy to?

As I lay here this morning I don’t feel like there’s a lot on my mind…but perhaps I’ve just put the wall up to keep them from flooding into my headspace…

Yesterday was a challenging day for me.  My attention stayed focused on the tightness I felt in my right leg.  I feel tears well up in my eyes as I type this…I found myself trying everything possible to feel relief from the leg heaviness that occupied my mind.  I stretched it…massaged it…contracted it …over and over without relief.   I found myself feeling down, unmotivated and full of fear.  

I want so bad to be able to control the outcome of my future health…I want to wish this discomfort away.  Feel freedom from the mental agony of the constant tightness that keeps me from relaxing or sleeping.  

I made it to the gym despite the temptation to skip out and watch Netflix…and after a 30 min spin session and a chest/biceps workout I found that my leg was less tense.  Ahhh..to be able to relax felt refreshing. 

As the day continued, the tightness returned.  I mentally was done.  I felt like I couldn’t go any longer without relief.  After work I cleaned up the kitchen/fridge, made a healthy dinner and laid on the couch with my puppy love.  I couldn’t find the mental strength to do any more.  I need rest.  After a couple hours my body finally hit a point of exhaustion and I fell asleep.  

Are my thoughts helping or hurting me and my reality?

My fear based and ‘what if’ thoughts are causing mental agony and holding me back from my best present moment.  

I feel like I wasted the day away yesterday…life is short

I choose to think:

Hard days will happen…. How I managed it is ok.

I will walk through whatever life hands me.

I love my smile and positive outlook…

I can find peace in this situation.  

I desire to invest my energy in my passion for mental health-cycling-and God.

Final thought:

How can I incorporate these passions into something to share with others?

Getting grounded

 

JOURNALING PROMPT - DAY 2

Getting Grounded.

When we feel fear, it can disconnect us and make us need to reground. How do you feel right now? Write about it. When we are ungrounded, we may feel fatigued, lightheaded, dizzy, like we can’t think straight or like we have foggy thinking, lazy, like we feel like doing nothing, etc. Place your feet on the floor and imagine the bottoms of your feet opening up. As they do this, the energy of the earth rises up and attaches to your feet and begins to pull your energy down. This is grounding. Sit for a while and notice how your feet feel. Do you feel the energy traveling up your legs and body? Notice the sensations. Write about your before and after experience. 

This morning i awoke and the thought on the front of my mind is fear of an MS diagnosis.  It has been about 12 years since i had an MRI of my brain.  Just this week, i noticed sensations and aching in my right leg similar to what I’ve felt in my left leg that led me to a neurologist all those years ago.  i find myself going down the 'what if' rabbit hole and mentally consumed by fear.  i remember the day i scheduled the appointment for the neurologist and how i felt curious to find an answer for what i was feeling.  i remember the devastation i felt when i heard that he wanted to 'rule out' MS due to a lesion on my MRI.  i remember the pain of the nerve conduction test and the curiosity as to what may have caused the nerve damage they found.  i remember feeling humiliated when we moved to Kansas and went to the neurologist who said i was the healthiest person he had ever seen walk into his office and i was wasting my time and money.  i remember taking care of patients in the nursing home with MS and how they were basically bed-ridden.  Please God...don't take away my ability to hike and explore in nature...Please don't wreck my plans to be 95 and still visiting my family and riding my bike.  C'mon can't we bargain a deal?

What thinking traps am I experiencing?

All or Nothing

Over generalization

Mental filter

Before:

I am afraid I will lose my balance and coordination before A and I get to fulfill our dreams of backpacking together.  

As I lay here I realize how often I find myself getting off balance while doing cardio at the gym.  It's much more frequent than before...and now both legs ache and feel tight, making it almost impossible to relax and sleep.  I currently find myself feeling fatigued…lazy…my mind is scattered.    I don’t want to get out of bed…my heart feels fast and I’m full of nervous energy.  If I get up I know I'll just want to stay busy to not think about this fear of loss.  …I desire to stay under the covers and wish this all away.  

During:

I felt my body relax as I focused on opening my feet up into the ground and intentionally taking deep and purposeful breaths.  I repeated the mantra…God’s will in God’s time.  God’s got me.  God's got this. 

After:

I’m feeling soft.  I’m feeling confident.  I’m ready to start my day.  I hear the sound of my alarm ringing that I need to start getting ready for work and I now wish I had time for a meditation to finish my morning work.  I feel myself looking forward to when I have the time and space to relax my mind with some verbal affirmations.

This exercise surprised me in how it helped me.  I was skeptical that it would do anything.  I have been corrected.  It feels good to verbalize the fear of loss I am experiencing.  I will work on sharing this fear with others to help take away it's power.  I will focus on the things I can control like going in for a checkup, eating healthily, exercising with balance work and managing my stress and sleep habits.  

What do I do with my fear?

 

Abandonment

Ok, here I go.  Let's see where my curiosity will teach me.

I found a website called https://theadultchair.com/

I excitedly signed myself up for a couple free resources.  I’m feeling eager to see what this results in.

Over the course of 14 days I’ll be provided with a journal prompt.  My personal goal is to find 30 mins each day to complete this task.  

Here's Day 1

What do I do with my fear?”

It’s just a voice inside of you. It’s not a tangible thing that you can hold in your hands. It’s a voice. If you turn down the volume on that voice, what happens? When you turn toward the voice of fear, it has some things it wants you to know. Let your fear have the pen and let it have a voice. It’s a scared part of you that wants to be heard. Let that part write and witness the words. Do not fall into them; witness them. Understand that it’s a younger, scared part of you. Just listen. Witness it as if it’s a child. 

I am afraid I won’t learn how to manage conflict without shutting down

I am afraid that I will lose my family connections

It’s scary to think about dying- I just LOVE life!

I fear not being financially secure

I fear cancer stripping me of the blessings of a long life being a mom 

I am afraid of being rejected by others 

I fear MS limiting my mobility 

I fear letting God down

Mandy, those are valid reasons to feel afraid.   Those are big and scary thoughts for sure.  I love that you're willing to open your heart and trust me with how you're feeling. It takes a lot of courage to look inside and make room for these fears to have a voice.  I'm giving you a great big hug right now...can you feel it?  Here, is another one to keep in your pocket.   I love you.  I am here for you...always.  There is nothing you can do that would make me stop loving and accepting you. 

You are safe. 

You are  worthy

You are enough 

You are loved

 

 

Happy little couch session

 I had counseling today right after work and I was curious to understand her perspective on my emotional experience this past week.  I was not expecting the perspective she shared but once she shared her thoughts I heard myself speak aloud...Ohhh, wow.   

She shared that sometimes insecurities are not due to insecurities at all…but a misrepresentation of an underlying emotion.  She felt that due to what I had previously shared with her that what I was most likely experiencing abandonment.  

I swallowed hard as I tried to understand her explain this to me.  I know I often deal with feelings of abandonment, but I never thought that’s what led to my breakdown. 

So, deep down inside I’m afraid A will leave me? I bravely asked.  Not sure if I was really ready to hear her response….

On the contrary she stated….

Ohhh…that hit me hard.  Is it possible I’m not afraid of being left as much as I’m afraid I will leave?  Why would I self sabotage something so wonderful?  Deep down I don’t feel worthy she suggested…ewwww.  

Then I felt a sense of relief and hope set in.  Abandonment issues feels like something within my reach to heal and work through easier than the thought of jealousy...in fact I find myself curious.  Where, when, and how did this begin for me? What is going on today that is bringing this to the surface to challenge my inner thoughts?

Now I'm feeling curious. Meeeeoooowww....lol

My therapist encouraged me to reflect back on Saturday and how I was feeling prior to watching the home video. What headspace was I already in and what things were heavy on my heart?  What was really going on in Mandaville?

• Connecting with my sister and carrying the burden of managing everyone in the family's feelings…
• Feeling like it’s my job to bring my family together to accept my sister.  
• The emotions behind T preparing for his college chapter.
• Managing finding a new to ‘us’ vehicle as my cheap Jeep died unexpectedly.
• Missing time spent with J.
• Feeling grief that I can't locate videos of the kids when they were little-disappointed in myself that I didn't take the memories with me when I moved out. 

At the end of the session I felt a huge sense of relief, hope and curiosity.  

Now I can see that I have not been investing the time and space into healing my abandonment feelings and it has resurfaced.  It's time to invest in my inner child again.   

 

Skewed perspectives

Last night when I got home A took time and space to hear what was on my heart.  He was soft, open, loving, and compassionate.  When I looked in his eyes I felt like I saw a man that was feeling sadness that I struggle to believe I’m worthy…The one he wants more than anything.  Ewww…for the first time I can see how my insecurities and struggles are impacting the man I love. 

Now I feel this great motivation to change my thoughts patterns….I don’t want my imperfections to affect him in a negative way.  This is a part of me I’m ashamed of and I wish I didn’t deal with.  

Well…this is me.  Imperfections and ALL.  

I am lovable 

I am worthy

These mountains I climb will lead me home