More than a phrase, a feeling

The gift of kindness, love and acceptance.  I cherish feeling this way.  I have been my own biggest barrier to achieving this level of happiness within myself.  

Deep down doesn’t every girl want to be told she’s beautiful?  Most of my life I have dreamed of being pretty.  I could easily see qualities about myself that were favorable; like my big heart- my playful nature- my generous spirit- my faith, but I never felt physically attractive or pretty.  I desperately wanted to feel validated physically.  

Over the last many years Allan has encouraged me to love myself for the most authentic reasons.  For the gifts that make me…me.  I used to scoff at this idea.  Who really cares if I’m fun, generous, and loyal…. Don’t all guys want a hot girlfriend?  

In time I have come to see the blessing of compliments that speak to who I am at my core.  This is true beauty.  This is the girl I strive to become, one who sees the whole package of gifts.  One whose smiles lights up the room.

The other night, I received a compliment from a loved one that was completely unexpected, and very much appreciated.

See, I was in a moment where I felt confident and good about myself.  I needed for nothing.  On this day the sun had made its warming presence, and my skin soaked it up.  I set boundaries to protect time for self-care but also had connections with my loved ones.  My cups felt full, I’m happy.  Deep down inside, I’m truly fulfilled.  

Then out of nowhere comes this comment.  It was simple, wholehearted and felt non-rehearsed.  

You are pretty

I carry with me a long list of reasons to refute this:

• My hair is messy
• My face looks fat
• I haven’t flossed my teeth
• I have a weird smile
• I have visible facial imperfections 

Typically, my head would repeat many thoughts from my list of imperfections that would disqualify me from what was said.  I would use my skills of invalidating the compliment - deflecting the attention or laughing at the idea of the truth behind it.  

How I responded not only caught me off guard, but it also helped me to see some growth in my skills.   

I received graciously!  I said “thank you”!

These words felt deeper than…”Hey you look great”… Despite my internal perception of flaws, after hearing these words I felt loved and accepted.  This one random comment left me feeling lifted, confident and proud of my growth.  

This got me thinking about the words I say.  How often might my words have a similar impact on someone else?  We never know what people are truly going through, or how messages are received.  I strive to be more intentional to pass on the message of love and acceptance I felt today. 

Thanks God for putting a win in this skill bucket! Thank you for allowing me to accept someone's gift of kindness to me.  Open my eyes to opportunities to pay this forward. 

Deep down every girl wants to feel pretty.  

Disciplined in the making

As I think about areas of my life that I can work on the one that comes to my mind most is the thought of acting in a self disciplined way.  

Mind tools.com explains self discipline as:

“the ability to push yourself forward, stay motivated, and take action, regardless of how you're feeling, physically or emotionally. You're showing it when you intentionally choose to pursue something better for yourself, and you do it in spite of factors such as distractions, hard work, or unfavorable odds.”

Far too often my feelings dictate my actions.  I feel…I react.   I have strayed so far from a disciplined diet and way of life…I validate my poor choices and then I complain that ‘I can’t lose weight’ for example.  

I notice how I easily get caught up ‘doing what I want’.  This comes with a cost that feels unfavorable.  In the moment when I have a choice I just react.  

For example: Just the other night I was feeling tired- sad- bored.  How did I react?  I ate a whole row of Oreos- 2 servings of Doritos and a bowl of cereal.  Then I proceeded to pass out during my long distance ‘movie time’ with my sis.  

How did I feel afterwards? 

• Unattractive, guilty, regretful, weak.

How do I want to feel?

• Strong, disciplined, proud, healthy

Here’s my public commitment:

• 30 days tracking my foods and activities in Lose it.
• 2 Positive affirmations every morning upon waking.
• 5:2 fasting plan (5 days of normal meals…2 days of fasting eating only 1 meal <500 calories)

Will this be hard?  Yes, but I don’t want a life that is easy and doesn’t challenge me.  

My journey back to healthy eating will require a tremendous amount of willingness and self discipline.  Let’s go!!!

While backsliding is part of my human-ness- I am grateful for the awareness to take actions that ‘FEEL’ better!  I’m excited to choose an increased awareness and greater actions of self- discipline.  

I set my eyes to vision how I’m going to feel on the backside of this… At the end of 30 days (Nov 12th) I see myself feeling confident and disciplined.  This feels good!   

Getting lost

If you know me very well, you know it doesn’t take much for me to get lost.  This time is different than the previous times.   This time I am choosing to get lost…

Yesterday morning I excitedly ventured off to go for a hike on a nearby trail system that includes horse trails and lots of tall grasses and weeds.  In the past while trekking through this area I would return home covered in ticks and chigger bites.  

Today, I am testing out my insect shield treated clothing…using no additional bug spray for protection.   Let’s see if this stuff works!!  

Surprisingly I’m not even nervous- I feel very confident in this company’s bug treatment.  I am wearing tall socks tucked under the cuffs of my lightweight hiking pants.  Both items treated with Permethrin.  

Today I decide to let Oaks lead the way.  Wherever his nose directs us, I will follow.  It was a really fun journey getting lost together!  

After over an hour of wandering, I get a phone call from Jayce asking when we’ll be home to make breakfast as promised, because he’s getting hungry… that’s when I realize… I’m lost.  We are on a horse trail somewhere and all I see is a field on one side of me and a forest area on the other side.  

This reminds me of those moments in life where there is no plan…where we get so engrossed in the moment we get ‘lost’.  I love and cherish these moments for the freedom that accompanies it.  

C’mon, let’s get off the radar and get lost together!

Conflicted

I was so conflicted 

I was daddy’s girl- he spoiled and loved me

Then I saw this other side of him and it scared me.  I wanted the pain, fear and hurt to stop.  In the moments there was heightened stress and anger I didn’t know what to do.  In those moments I wished he would die.  In those moments I hated him.  

But I loved how I felt he showed up to me…teaching me- laughing with me- trusting me- loving me….

My heart was conflicted and hurt 

How could I wish such a horrible thought?  

I see how, just for today, I need to stay on my own page…time to get off of everyone else’s.  I have a part to own.  My thoughts and actions did not align with my values.  I need to own this…I need to apologize to my dad. 

It’s so easy to be all about other people and what they should’ve and shouldn’t have done.  There is no healing or power in this frame of mind.  My healing will be found through honest self reflection and living a life today that makes ME proud of how I am showing up.  

I WAS so conflicted, but I’m not anymore.  I’m glad my daddy didn’t die.  I’m glad I get the opportunity to apologize, forgive and heal.  

Wow!

I fall asleep soon after creating the painful purpose blog and awaken to the sound of my phone chirping the tone of a text message coming through. 

As I lay in bed allowing myself to awaken a little bit more, I realize that maybe through the eyes of a child my experience was traumatizing, but maybe…just maybe I was overly sensitive just like the situation at Walmart.  

I don’t mean that moments didn’t happen that felt scary and out of control, but maybe it was magnified through my scared lenses.  Perhaps there weren’t as MANY moments of trauma as it seems.  

Then I look at my phone and see a text from my dad…saying good morning 🌞…I very rarely get anything from him so this has to be from God.  

WOW!!

Painful purpose

Painful purpose.  

The other day while in the self check out at Walmart, there was a family of 3 at the register in front of Maddy and I.  It looked like a mom-dad-and 3ish year old boy.  The family was dirty and disheveled.  The boy was crying...a lot…sitting in the front of the cart.  The dad kept telling him to shut up and then after a few minutes of continued crying, he slapped the boy ‘hard’ in the mouth.  I was instantly trauma triggered.  

Strong feelings surfaced immediately and I felt myself freeze up.  I was probably staring with a horrified look on my face.  

I realize that I have a tendency to overreact and have an extreme response that most may not, to situations involving correction.  While slapping someone on the mouth may not have been ideal- it doesn’t mean it’s going to turn into abuse.  

I'm struggling opening the door to understanding what I was feeling and what I felt afraid of, but this is my attempt to try. 

I can relate to this situation as a parent.  I remember slapping one of my own kids in the mouth when they were about that age.  I recall I was grasping for some sort of control over the situation.  I also remember feeling so terrible about it I never let myself get to that point again, but I still went there once.

When I saw that situation at Walmart, my hero instinct kicked in, I wanted to step in and help rescue the boy.  My empath nature kicked into overdrive as I put myself in his shoes and imagined the fear and sadness he was feeling.  My fear also kicked in and I didn’t know what to say or how to respond.  Just like when I was a kid.  I chose to look the other way.  Dang…

I have never been the victim of physical abuse…in fact, I was just the opposite…I rarely got reprimanded for anything.  However; I witnessed physical and emotional abuse.  The guilt of not being able to help stop it and the neurological effects continue to impact me.  I definitely still struggle with feeling responsible for not helping more, or standing up.  I see how I was self ‘trained’ to pretend nothing was happening.  I would seek shelter in my room and ‘mind my own business’.  At least this is my memory.  

 I still feel like I struggle with knowing when and how to speak up.  So, I Googled to find a few ways I could respond. I found some possible suggestions that feel in line with my values and feel like something I would actually say.  

“I remember when my children were that age. They can be a handful. Do you need any help?”

“Hey, I don’t mean to get into your business or tell you how to parent, but I noticed that…”

I was and still act like a coward.  Yes, I chose to selfishly hide in my room instead of standing up for what was right.  I remember laying in my room praying that this abuser…my dad…would die.  Please God take him away- I would repeat.  Yep, this was my repeated prayer.    How awful that feels today.  

Wait…I was a CHILD…where is my grace for myself?   I definitely didn’t have the tools or support to stand up to an angry adult, grown man.  I offer more grace and protection for the abuser than I do for child me.  Interesting…

I realize that healing may not come until I face my fears, and lean into the discomfort of talking to my dad about this.  What would be the purpose of this conversation and what would I hope to get from it?  

Yep…not ready for that.  Closing the door again…for now. 

I trust God has a purpose for this pain I’m experiencing…if I stay open and willing to look within there is something beautiful in the making.  God can use this pain to develop me and better myself.

I’m grateful:

• I am courageously willing to crack this door and peek inside 
• I curiously explore the possible effects this has had on me in the long term
• I am willing to try a different approach 
• I am willing to forgive as many times as necessary 
• I am showing vulnerability

Whatever the painful purpose is of these memories resurfacing I trust it will be revealed to me in time.  I AM and will be OK.  

Hello Fall…I’ve been awaiting your presence

Last week I was cranking the AC and sweating in my britches….

Today I find myself in a beanie hat…thermal under my t-shirt and wearing fleece lined pants and still feeling chilly…

The shift has occurred…Fall has arrived.  The leaves have started to change colors, and there is a crisp nip in the early morning air.  

The nights are so beautifully dark…and the sun sleeps in a bit longer each morning…and so do I!  lol

Now that Fall has arrived, I’m happy to announce: It’s time for pumpkin Everything!!!

• Pumpkin French toast
• Pumpkin spice lattes 
• Pumpkin pudding 
• Pumpkin pie

Tanya’s soup kitchen and time in quaint cafes to journal are high on my rigorous self care list!

…. And the best part of Fall is that the joy of Christmas is within reach.  Yep…Christmas is coming!!!

Just like that, the scorching heat has subsided and we welcome the opportunity to embrace the lovely cooler, sweater weather season.  

Hello Fall!!  I’ve been awaiting your presence!