Wow!

I fall asleep soon after creating the painful purpose blog and awaken to the sound of my phone chirping the tone of a text message coming through. 

As I lay in bed allowing myself to awaken a little bit more, I realize that maybe through the eyes of a child my experience was traumatizing, but maybe…just maybe I was overly sensitive just like the situation at Walmart.  

I don’t mean that moments didn’t happen that felt scary and out of control, but maybe it was magnified through my scared lenses.  Perhaps there weren’t as MANY moments of trauma as it seems.  

Then I look at my phone and see a text from my dad…saying good morning 🌞…I very rarely get anything from him so this has to be from God.  

WOW!!

Painful purpose

Painful purpose.  

The other day while in the self check out at Walmart, there was a family of 3 at the register in front of Maddy and I.  It looked like a mom-dad-and 3ish year old boy.  The family was dirty and disheveled.  The boy was crying...a lot…sitting in the front of the cart.  The dad kept telling him to shut up and then after a few minutes of continued crying, he slapped the boy ‘hard’ in the mouth.  I was instantly trauma triggered.  

Strong feelings surfaced immediately and I felt myself freeze up.  I was probably staring with a horrified look on my face.  

I realize that I have a tendency to overreact and have an extreme response that most may not, to situations involving correction.  While slapping someone on the mouth may not have been ideal- it doesn’t mean it’s going to turn into abuse.  

I'm struggling opening the door to understanding what I was feeling and what I felt afraid of, but this is my attempt to try. 

I can relate to this situation as a parent.  I remember slapping one of my own kids in the mouth when they were about that age.  I recall I was grasping for some sort of control over the situation.  I also remember feeling so terrible about it I never let myself get to that point again, but I still went there once.

When I saw that situation at Walmart, my hero instinct kicked in, I wanted to step in and help rescue the boy.  My empath nature kicked into overdrive as I put myself in his shoes and imagined the fear and sadness he was feeling.  My fear also kicked in and I didn’t know what to say or how to respond.  Just like when I was a kid.  I chose to look the other way.  Dang…

I have never been the victim of physical abuse…in fact, I was just the opposite…I rarely got reprimanded for anything.  However; I witnessed physical and emotional abuse.  The guilt of not being able to help stop it and the neurological effects continue to impact me.  I definitely still struggle with feeling responsible for not helping more, or standing up.  I see how I was self ‘trained’ to pretend nothing was happening.  I would seek shelter in my room and ‘mind my own business’.  At least this is my memory.  

 I still feel like I struggle with knowing when and how to speak up.  So, I Googled to find a few ways I could respond. I found some possible suggestions that feel in line with my values and feel like something I would actually say.  

“I remember when my children were that age. They can be a handful. Do you need any help?”

“Hey, I don’t mean to get into your business or tell you how to parent, but I noticed that…”

I was and still act like a coward.  Yes, I chose to selfishly hide in my room instead of standing up for what was right.  I remember laying in my room praying that this abuser…my dad…would die.  Please God take him away- I would repeat.  Yep, this was my repeated prayer.    How awful that feels today.  

Wait…I was a CHILD…where is my grace for myself?   I definitely didn’t have the tools or support to stand up to an angry adult, grown man.  I offer more grace and protection for the abuser than I do for child me.  Interesting…

I realize that healing may not come until I face my fears, and lean into the discomfort of talking to my dad about this.  What would be the purpose of this conversation and what would I hope to get from it?  

Yep…not ready for that.  Closing the door again…for now. 

I trust God has a purpose for this pain I’m experiencing…if I stay open and willing to look within there is something beautiful in the making.  God can use this pain to develop me and better myself.

I’m grateful:

• I am courageously willing to crack this door and peek inside 
• I curiously explore the possible effects this has had on me in the long term
• I am willing to try a different approach 
• I am willing to forgive as many times as necessary 
• I am showing vulnerability

Whatever the painful purpose is of these memories resurfacing I trust it will be revealed to me in time.  I AM and will be OK.  

Hello Fall…I’ve been awaiting your presence

Last week I was cranking the AC and sweating in my britches….

Today I find myself in a beanie hat…thermal under my t-shirt and wearing fleece lined pants and still feeling chilly…

The shift has occurred…Fall has arrived.  The leaves have started to change colors, and there is a crisp nip in the early morning air.  

The nights are so beautifully dark…and the sun sleeps in a bit longer each morning…and so do I!  lol

Now that Fall has arrived, I’m happy to announce: It’s time for pumpkin Everything!!!

• Pumpkin French toast
• Pumpkin spice lattes 
• Pumpkin pudding 
• Pumpkin pie

Tanya’s soup kitchen and time in quaint cafes to journal are high on my rigorous self care list!

…. And the best part of Fall is that the joy of Christmas is within reach.  Yep…Christmas is coming!!!

Just like that, the scorching heat has subsided and we welcome the opportunity to embrace the lovely cooler, sweater weather season.  

Hello Fall!!  I’ve been awaiting your presence!

Like a splinter

Like removing a splinter…Staind pulls the trauma out of me and it’s soothing. 

Every life trauma leaves a behind a trace…engraved into the subconscious.  Sometimes our senses pick up on a sight, sound, smell, taste or feeling that brings us back to a previous moment of pain.  

I’ve been obsessed over Staind’s new album.  I swear every song speaks to me in some way.  His voice, and lyrics tap into a part of me that screams ‘I hear your pain…I get you.  You’re not alone in how you feeI’.  

There have been several moments these songs have brought me to tears.  As I listen to the combination of lyrics, pitch, tone and background music I feel so entirely connected.  It’s like with each word he pulls a trauma memory from the depth of my soul and releases it…

As the memory passes through, the pain is relived and the hurt feels incredibly intense….but then it is released and there is a sense of peace.  This peace is soothing.  

Kinda like having a splinter removed.  The pain of digging it out is SO real, but as the foreign body is pulled out, there is a soothing release.  

I can…no wait… I AM doing it

So, here’s a little confession of mine.  I am a flawed human.  

My own personal insecurities and lack of confidence showed up as insecurities in my relationships and doubts in my partners ability to be loyal.

I have really been working hard to invest in some personal growth.  My intention is to learn how to get back to being the girl of fun and light I am!  To be lighthearted, grateful and confident in my relationships.   

To this day I couldn’t be more thankful for the process of becoming the girl I love so dearly again.  

Recently, I was made aware of how some of the choices in my relationships were actually disrespectful.  I’ve been investing in understanding how to manage myself and respect others to do the same for themselves.

Today was groundbreaking in how my efforts are unfolding.  Today, I showed up confident, trusting and respectful!  It was not only noticed, but intensely appreciated and affirmed.  

I repeat…INTENSELY recognized and affirmed.  

This feels surreal.  I thought my insecurities were a behavior of mine that I would never be able to personally overcome.  I was wrong.  

I can…no wait, I AM overcoming personal fears and behaviors that hindered me from being my best self!

Out of time?

As I get older I am really starting to reflect on my life and  what I do with my time.  Am I running out of time?

I recently heard a theory that challenges the work life balance.   It discussed how much time we spend at work…or thinking about work in a typical years span.  

I took some time to break this theory down in my own life…

There are 24 hours in a day…7 days in a week…4 weeks in a month…12 months in a year.  

 On a typical work day I will spend: 

• 10 hours at work
• 8 hours sleeping
• 1-2 hours preparing for my day at work (laundry, food prep, thinking about things I need to do)
• 1 hour driving

This leaves approximately 3 hours a day for other things.  

If I do this 4 or 5 days a week that leaves 2-3 days for other things.  Some of this time non-work time is spent recuperating from the weeks’ work or planning/preparing for the upcoming week. 

This continues, week after week, unless I take vacation which typically will equate to 10-15 days a year.

Rinse and repeat. 

I see how the majority of my time and energy will be invested into my job, whether I'm actually working or not.  

Time to truly be present for myself, those I care about, my hobbies and contributions to a greater purpose will mostly take the backseat.  This doesn't feel like a satisfying way to spend my precious time.  There's just got to be a better way! 

In my recent past, I worked at a non-profit where overtime was not allowed.  We were given 'mental health’ days off (with pay) to do something outside of work.  Vacation time, sick time, paid holidays were generously offered.  When at work, I worked hard, but I had lots of availability to be anywhere except work.  My hours were flexible and could be adjusted to meet my schedule.  The people I worked with were some of the happiest and most generous I have ever worked with.  

In a way this job ‘forced’ me to limit the amount of  energy I invested into it. By default, I can so easily get caught up in tasks.

During my time there, I was able to put my energy into giving back and showing up for others.  This is what makes life feel worth it!

Did this company only hire happy and balanced people? Or was it a result of the investment into the 'life' side of the scale?

I've been squirreling around this concept of my current work-life balance for a few days.   Living to work has never been appealing to me.  How could I practice being more available for life?  What would that look like?

I know there’s no promise for what tomorrow will bring.  I don’t want to live to exist…but rather; I want to have lived a life I’m proud of.  

“Don’t wanna fade off into the distance…Am I out of time?” (Staind- Out of time 2023)

Fawning response

I am intrigued by the feeling of loneliness that surfaces from time to time.  Yesterday was one of those days so I stayed BUSY with tasks so I didn’t have to feel and I could distract myself. 

As an adult there are some days my soul is yearning for something, something it's not getting, and I feel lonely.  No, not lonely…I feel alone.    This is one of the most dreaded feelings.  It's like the world is rotating with engaged and happy people and I am alone and sad.  

I didn't have a lot of friends as a youth.  I struggled with anxiety, comparison, judgment, and fear.  Most of all, I wasn't vulnerable.  I learned to become a sponge and show up however I felt people wanted me to be.  Never really willing to just let my hair down and be myself.  If they were happy with how I showed up, then I’m a good person and I'm happy. 

Growing up I spent a lot of time alone...and if you ask me how my childhood was, I would say it was amazing!   Could there be something else going on?

Just a few days ago I was blogging about how MANY people showed up in my corner.  How I really felt supported by the community around me.  What happened?  

Two words: people pleasing or rather...check out the idea of the fawning trauma response.  

When "fawning" a person will do whatever they can to avoid conflict. This idea was first coined by Pete Walker, M.A., MFT.  Fawning is a trauma response in which people merge with the wishes, needs, and demands of others as a means to safety.  

I have been giving the power of self-validation to those around of me.  Some individuals do not approve of me or my decisions and they make it their duty to let me and others know.   They are emotional bullies…and I think that if they are pleased with me THEN I am valuable.  Like I am only worthy of conditional love. 

If not, well…

I genuinely care how I show up to others.  I care about my character and actions, and how they affect others.  Sometimes I look for evidence that negative opinions voiced about me are true. Yesterday was one of these days.

YUCK.  What an awful way to treat myself.  

I’ve heard so many times from so many people that you just can’t please everyone.  When will I accept this truth?  

Time to shift my focus on rigorous self-care AND looking for evidence in those that DO care, accept and love me.  

As I’m walking Oaks through the park, we see two squirrels conversing in the middle of the path.  I pause…look Oakley square in the eye and ask if he’s ready to chase some squirrels.  See, every time we walk he tries his best to charge after squirrels and I put the brakes on and keep him close.  Not today…today we are going to let loose. 

I observe how his body eagerly wiggles with excitement, his ears perk up and his tail points straight out to help guide his charge ahead...he’s ready!  

I plant my feet into a staggered running stance and OFF we go!  Oaks is on mission and I am laughing and smiling out loud.  Yea, this feels good.  I LOVE nature and I love playing and laughing.  My soul feels less heavy now.  

Those individuals who don’t approve of me or my choices are still there in their circle of resentment- but today I am joyful. Despite it all, I found my own joy today, and this feels good!