Like a splinter

Like removing a splinter…Staind pulls the trauma out of me and it’s soothing. 

Every life trauma leaves a behind a trace…engraved into the subconscious.  Sometimes our senses pick up on a sight, sound, smell, taste or feeling that brings us back to a previous moment of pain.  

I’ve been obsessed over Staind’s new album.  I swear every song speaks to me in some way.  His voice, and lyrics tap into a part of me that screams ‘I hear your pain…I get you.  You’re not alone in how you feeI’.  

There have been several moments these songs have brought me to tears.  As I listen to the combination of lyrics, pitch, tone and background music I feel so entirely connected.  It’s like with each word he pulls a trauma memory from the depth of my soul and releases it…

As the memory passes through, the pain is relived and the hurt feels incredibly intense….but then it is released and there is a sense of peace.  This peace is soothing.  

Kinda like having a splinter removed.  The pain of digging it out is SO real, but as the foreign body is pulled out, there is a soothing release.  

I can…no wait… I AM doing it

So, here’s a little confession of mine.  I am a flawed human.  

My own personal insecurities and lack of confidence showed up as insecurities in my relationships and doubts in my partners ability to be loyal.

I have really been working hard to invest in some personal growth.  My intention is to learn how to get back to being the girl of fun and light I am!  To be lighthearted, grateful and confident in my relationships.   

To this day I couldn’t be more thankful for the process of becoming the girl I love so dearly again.  

Recently, I was made aware of how some of the choices in my relationships were actually disrespectful.  I’ve been investing in understanding how to manage myself and respect others to do the same for themselves.

Today was groundbreaking in how my efforts are unfolding.  Today, I showed up confident, trusting and respectful!  It was not only noticed, but intensely appreciated and affirmed.  

I repeat…INTENSELY recognized and affirmed.  

This feels surreal.  I thought my insecurities were a behavior of mine that I would never be able to personally overcome.  I was wrong.  

I can…no wait, I AM overcoming personal fears and behaviors that hindered me from being my best self!

Out of time?

As I get older I am really starting to reflect on my life and  what I do with my time.  Am I running out of time?

I recently heard a theory that challenges the work life balance.   It discussed how much time we spend at work…or thinking about work in a typical years span.  

I took some time to break this theory down in my own life…

There are 24 hours in a day…7 days in a week…4 weeks in a month…12 months in a year.  

 On a typical work day I will spend: 

• 10 hours at work
• 8 hours sleeping
• 1-2 hours preparing for my day at work (laundry, food prep, thinking about things I need to do)
• 1 hour driving

This leaves approximately 3 hours a day for other things.  

If I do this 4 or 5 days a week that leaves 2-3 days for other things.  Some of this time non-work time is spent recuperating from the weeks’ work or planning/preparing for the upcoming week. 

This continues, week after week, unless I take vacation which typically will equate to 10-15 days a year.

Rinse and repeat. 

I see how the majority of my time and energy will be invested into my job, whether I'm actually working or not.  

Time to truly be present for myself, those I care about, my hobbies and contributions to a greater purpose will mostly take the backseat.  This doesn't feel like a satisfying way to spend my precious time.  There's just got to be a better way! 

In my recent past, I worked at a non-profit where overtime was not allowed.  We were given 'mental health’ days off (with pay) to do something outside of work.  Vacation time, sick time, paid holidays were generously offered.  When at work, I worked hard, but I had lots of availability to be anywhere except work.  My hours were flexible and could be adjusted to meet my schedule.  The people I worked with were some of the happiest and most generous I have ever worked with.  

In a way this job ‘forced’ me to limit the amount of  energy I invested into it. By default, I can so easily get caught up in tasks.

During my time there, I was able to put my energy into giving back and showing up for others.  This is what makes life feel worth it!

Did this company only hire happy and balanced people? Or was it a result of the investment into the 'life' side of the scale?

I've been squirreling around this concept of my current work-life balance for a few days.   Living to work has never been appealing to me.  How could I practice being more available for life?  What would that look like?

I know there’s no promise for what tomorrow will bring.  I don’t want to live to exist…but rather; I want to have lived a life I’m proud of.  

“Don’t wanna fade off into the distance…Am I out of time?” (Staind- Out of time 2023)

Fawning response

I am intrigued by the feeling of loneliness that surfaces from time to time.  Yesterday was one of those days so I stayed BUSY with tasks so I didn’t have to feel and I could distract myself. 

As an adult there are some days my soul is yearning for something, something it's not getting, and I feel lonely.  No, not lonely…I feel alone.    This is one of the most dreaded feelings.  It's like the world is rotating with engaged and happy people and I am alone and sad.  

I didn't have a lot of friends as a youth.  I struggled with anxiety, comparison, judgment, and fear.  Most of all, I wasn't vulnerable.  I learned to become a sponge and show up however I felt people wanted me to be.  Never really willing to just let my hair down and be myself.  If they were happy with how I showed up, then I’m a good person and I'm happy. 

Growing up I spent a lot of time alone...and if you ask me how my childhood was, I would say it was amazing!   Could there be something else going on?

Just a few days ago I was blogging about how MANY people showed up in my corner.  How I really felt supported by the community around me.  What happened?  

Two words: people pleasing or rather...check out the idea of the fawning trauma response.  

When "fawning" a person will do whatever they can to avoid conflict. This idea was first coined by Pete Walker, M.A., MFT.  Fawning is a trauma response in which people merge with the wishes, needs, and demands of others as a means to safety.  

I have been giving the power of self-validation to those around of me.  Some individuals do not approve of me or my decisions and they make it their duty to let me and others know.   They are emotional bullies…and I think that if they are pleased with me THEN I am valuable.  Like I am only worthy of conditional love. 

If not, well…

I genuinely care how I show up to others.  I care about my character and actions, and how they affect others.  Sometimes I look for evidence that negative opinions voiced about me are true. Yesterday was one of these days.

YUCK.  What an awful way to treat myself.  

I’ve heard so many times from so many people that you just can’t please everyone.  When will I accept this truth?  

Time to shift my focus on rigorous self-care AND looking for evidence in those that DO care, accept and love me.  

As I’m walking Oaks through the park, we see two squirrels conversing in the middle of the path.  I pause…look Oakley square in the eye and ask if he’s ready to chase some squirrels.  See, every time we walk he tries his best to charge after squirrels and I put the brakes on and keep him close.  Not today…today we are going to let loose. 

I observe how his body eagerly wiggles with excitement, his ears perk up and his tail points straight out to help guide his charge ahead...he’s ready!  

I plant my feet into a staggered running stance and OFF we go!  Oaks is on mission and I am laughing and smiling out loud.  Yea, this feels good.  I LOVE nature and I love playing and laughing.  My soul feels less heavy now.  

Those individuals who don’t approve of me or my choices are still there in their circle of resentment- but today I am joyful. Despite it all, I found my own joy today, and this feels good!  

Daylight

 

Trauma.  

Some people have a small carry on… others have a checked bag.. and yet others,  like me, have a UHaul to load the baggage.  That’s ok!  

Here it is, a Friday morning, and I am on my way to work.  I’m excited for today as I’m only working a couple hours.  The night sky is dark- lit up only by the glow of the stars and the full moon.  The world is quiet.  My drive to work gets me out of the city, away from the noise and chaos and out onto the country roads.  There’s something magical about this morning drive…something about it leaves my soul feeling free to be authentically accepted. 

I am listening to Staind’s newest album ‘Confessions of the Fallen’.  As I’m listening to the song ‘in this condition’ I turn the speakers up and blast out the lyrics.  This FEELS good!  But then I feel a shift…I realize I am intensely yearning for Allan’s voice and steadiness.…then I observe more feelings popping up.

There is something so uniquely special about Staind's new album.  Almost every song moves me.  The  first time I heard this album I wasn’t really moved by it.  Since there were a couple songs that I liked, I kept listening.  Now, it’s the only album I listen to and I keep it on repeat.  I'm clearly obsessed.  lol

FEAR- I am overwhelmed with the sensation of restriction and tightness I begin to feel.  I notice my breathing becoming very shallow and my eyes welling up with tears.  Within moments I can no longer sing along to the lyrics. Tears streaming from my eyes… it becomes hard to see.  I debate if I need to pull over.

Get it together….whatever this is… it WILL be ok.  Take a breath.   ….no not like that, take a slow and purposeful breathe.  Allow the air to fill your lungs and replenish your body.  Yea, just allow yourself to feel.  

Ahhhh, I can feel myself start to soften, but the tears don’t let up. So, I let them fall.  I let them saturate my face and find their way down to my shirt.  I don’t try to force anything, but just stay focused on my breath.  

Today my trigger of unworth is resurfacing.  What I’ve yet to realize in the moment is that this time I’m ready… 

You throw your stones and I soak up the messages of unworth.

I simply am not enough…

This message is hidden somewhere in the vault of my subconscious and it finds its way to the surface from time to time.  Today is one of those days. 

Where does this come from?  

I had parents and siblings who genuinely cared and loved me!  Somewhere along the lines the world was cruel.  I still feel the pain.

If you know me, you know music is my therapy!  I have recently discovered that I am a lyrics girl.  One of the very first things I fall in love with and notice about a song is the ‘words’.  As long as I can remember, I have had a hard time expressing my thoughts and feelings.  I struggle with finding the ‘words’.  Often times this leaves me with silence.  Music bridges this gap for me…it helps me put words to how I’m feeling.  

In Shinedown's song Daylight released in 2022 on the album 'Planet Zero' are the words: 

"it's amazing what the hard times reveal

 like who shows up, who walks away, and who’s for real."  

I remember the first time I heard these lyrics in concert- The words brought me to tears.  Tears of gratitude for those who continue to stick by me and some sadness for the ones I’ve lost along the way. 

I was recently prompted to explain what the words mean to me.  While I knew that there was something deep under the surface, I just couldn't place what it was.  Never have I ever felt the truth behind those lyrics as I do today…

I have trauma from being bullied and abandoned…it still pains me to this day.  My inner child is always searching for acceptance and belonging.  "Why was I not enough?" I would think.  Where were my people?  I felt alone most of my childhood… 

…I didn’t share my struggles.  I kept them inside and tried to manage alone.  I felt alone because I didn't give people an opportunity to show up.  

I’m different today.  Today when the hard times come, as I know they will, I see that I have new evidence.  I AM enough for the right people!!  I am loved unconditionally despite my human tendencies… by the RIGHT people.  I just had to find them.  That I did.  

I think I see what was behind the urgency I felt to connect with Allan.  I mean of course I MISS him like crazy, but this felt different.  Deep within the Amanda vault, my subconscious knew the breakdown was coming.  Allan is my often go-to for support, unconditional love and strength.  My body knows how to care for me! 

In a previous post I mentioned sifting through the ashes to find the Ruby.  Dig through those ashes…what is being discovered?

As a child I was abandoned by people that I genuinely cared for and loved.  When times got hard, some walked away.  The pain of rejection and unworth this left me feeling has beaten me down for SO many years.  Why wasn’t I enough?  

I am terrified to open the door to what I’m feeling… so I slowly crack it.   

I have decided to stand up to bullies in my present life.  This triggers emotions from my past...

Keep digging girl… 

As a youth I was bullied- both privately and publicly, and I allowed it.  Ouch.  I ALLOWED it…I never told anyone and I chose to walk through it alone.  I withdrew and isolated. 

Keep going…

I felt lonely and afraid

I did not have the tools to cope with what the world was handing me.  I struggled in silence.

While I can’t understand the reasons for these experiences, I do know that God does.  He has and always will be on my side.  I don’t need to hold onto this anymore.  I can let it go. 

As I keep sifting I can see the glimmer of the ruby…

I SEE the people who showed up, I see the people who were real.  I SEE them!  

I am NOT that same girl…I have the tools now to handle this.  To rise up and fight for myself.  I am a warrior!  My story has a purpose to help others find strength in the darkness.  I am and always have been enough!    

This year God has shown me how MANY people are in my circle.  This year God has shown me how to be in MY own circle.  I have everything I need.  I am OK!

 

Living abstractly

My recent expressions of future desires have been under the magnifier glass of many over the past few weeks.  I can’t lie, initially, the sting of criticism burned...like a candle in the night.  However, for one of the first times in my life I can say that I am OK with the choices I am making.  I feel confident, empowered and EXCITED!  

Recently I had a friend over, and we were hanging out on the couch talking.  She randomly gets up off the couch and says, “I just can't take it anymore.”!!I have to fix it!  ...she leans towards the large plastic Tupperware dish I have sitting out on the coffee table which has the lid on…well kinda.  The lid is just laying across the top of the container and its upside down.  She couldn't resist any longer, she just HAD to put the lid on right side up.  I made some comment about my 'abstract art' on the table and how I liked how it looked.  

I would say I live a pretty abstract life.  I am met with criticism when my choices go against the grain, but I stand firm in my beliefs and how I pursue my visions for a future.  I have spent the majority of my life taking care of others at the expense of myself.  

I am a partner, a parent, a daughter and a friend who has big visions for living life to the fullest.  Chasing my dreams and not being afraid to go against the grain.  

When I was 16 my family moved from Athol, ID to Columbia Falls, MT. I was a Junior in high school, and I heard about a program offered through the University of Montana that took you out into the wilderness to learn how to live off the land, make a shelter and find food.  I was sold on this idea!  Something inside of me came alive, and I was considering college for the first time in my days of youth. 

Well, life took a couple turns and I never ended up taking that course, but I also never stopped thinking about it.  Growing up in Idaho was the coolest childhood for me and it sparked a love of exploring and adventures in nature that are still alive in me today.

As I raised my kids in the midwest I have been grateful that they were able to be around their family...grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins.  This is something I was able to give to them that I didn't have a lot of growing up.  While I had considered the benefits of raising them in the mountains, I didn't want to take away their ability to connect with their families.  I don't for a moment regret this decision.

However, as my kids are growing up and finishing high school, I see an opportunity to spread my wings and follow my vision for a future.  

Amanda has desires of her own...I am after all- my own person.  Separate from anyone else.  Full of abstract ideas, creative views, and passions uniquely mine.  I know my kids wholeheartedly love me and want me to be happy.  If I stayed in Kansas for their sake, I may grow to resent them.  I may hold it against them in some fashion that I stayed to fulfill some sort of obligation.

As I was raising my family a part of me thought that my dreams to exist and adventure in the mountains would die.  I wanted to believe that I would be fulfilled with other things.  I was wrong.  The older my kids get the stronger my desire to chase nature becomes.

I want to live a life exemplary of chasing dreams...never accepting a life someone else chooses for me, facing my fears.  I want my kids to know the value in taking risks and stepping out to find their way.  

The greatest gift I can give to them is acceptance to be whoever they are!  To create a story that is uniquely theirs and live abstractly.  Shake up the ground a little bit...go against the grain...and pursue a life of joy and happiness!  For me this journey is in the mountains! 

Living abstractly and LOVING it! ❤️

Quaintly organized

Now that the prepping of 411 Prescott is mostly behind us, I can now focus on organizing the new place at Berkshire.  I have been really motivated to declutter and maximize the space I have available. 

As I was packing up the old house I found SO many different things that I either didn’t remember where they came from, or I no longer found joy from having them.  I felt no shame or guilt in letting these items go.  I desire to put energy into connections and experiences with people this year.  

I threw a LOT of things away and donated many more.  Donating is very dear to my heart.  We have a local church that runs a 'clothes closet' and any items donated to them are returned to the public free of charge.  That's my kind of place.  Sharing what we no longer want/need with others who could benefit from it.  Growing up we received many treasures and were greatly blessed by the donations of others.  I appreciate being able to pay it forward.  

Over the past few weeks I have been researching and investing in how to make the most of a small space. There are so many fun and creative ways to create less clutter and maximize potential in the available wall space.  The biggest obstacle that I've yet to resolve is what to do with our bikes.  I know storage is a possibility, but I like my bike to be with me when I am ready to ride.  I feel that if I have to make an extra step to get it from storage, it's likely I won't.  

I feel really blessed to be at the townhouses again.  I personally like it here in my quant space…close to walking trails, straight shot to work, food and parks nearby…a calming pond with water fountain and some familiar neighbors.  And despite my excitement I shared with Allan regarding mowing the lawn at the last place...I am ok NEVER mowing again...lol

Cheers to a quaint and relaxing place to call home!